Thread by @HNIJohnMiller

Here it is, you all asked for it. Well, some of you did. ... one of you did, I swear.

Anyways, whether you wanted it or not, here is the transcript of what would have been Comrade Fudge’s RNC speech had I not had to cancel my appearance.

“Alright, welcome everyone to the 2020 RNC!” *pause for applause.* “Now, I’ll be making this short and sweet, because I met a pair of persian girls cosplaying as Ivanka, and here in a few minutes I gotta go back with them to my hotel room to Jared Kushner their middle easts.”

“Now, some of you may be wondering, why am I the opening speech? Why am I host? Why am I drinking bourbon straight from the bottle here on stage?” Pause for a drink.

“The answer to all three of these is fuck you, that’s why.”

“Yeah, don’t give me those shocked looks, those indignant gasps. You aren’t Democrats, you don’t get to act all moral and mighty when you’re doing worse behind closed doors. You all don’t have the media there to hide when you’re being a hypocrite.”

“Now that we are all on an even playing field, let me tell you why I’m here.”

“Its because you’re all scared.”

“Each and every one of you right now is scared. You’re frightened. You’ve got the pandemic without a devastating disease behind it, a pandemic of the mind.”

“You all did your due diligence, at first. You did your part to keep businesses alive and keep the hospitals functioning, and I respect that.”

“But then, you let the Dems take that inch, and run a goddamn marathon. And now all of you are too afraid to call bullshit.”

“There are states that should be solid red like Kentucky slitting their own throats economically because you all won’t stand up and say, enough is enough, the damage has been dealt and the panic needs to end.”

“Did you know that because I am here, in this state, giving this speech, that I will be put under house arrest relabeled to ‘quarantine’ when I go back to Kentucky? That if I refuse I’ll be detained and have an ankle monitor slapped on me?”

“Interstate commerce occurred! I traveled to another state, did commerce in the form of this speech, and will suffer legal consequences as a result. That is interference in interstate commerce! The constitution itself clearly states that is not something the states can do!”

“Yet here you all are, too stupid or too scared to call this out and stop this, meanwhile Governor Stacking Bodies Like Corkwood Cuomo is writing a book calling the genocide of his retirement homes and pensioned employees a success!”

“So congratulations to Cuomo and Newsome and these other fucking maniacs. Blue states won’t have to whine about needing pension plan bailouts for a decade.”

“Maybe they wouldn’t get to rest easy if someone was willing to light some fires under their asses.”

“Speaking of fires, nice to see none of you learned a lesson from the Obama years about how fucking pointless, how fucking destructive, it is to pay even lip service to the traveling maniacs that show up to light fires in cities.”

“You want to know what makes people feel alone? Do you want to know what makes people feel hopeless? Knowing a mob’s coming to torch down their life for something they had nothing do to with, and then when they turn on the tv its either radio silence or praise for the mob.”

“Get angry! Don’t fake an indignant rage, try to maintain composure. Composure is what fat French priests had being walked to the guillotine during the French Revolution.”

“It doesn’t matter if not a single person losing their homes or their jobs never voted red in their lives.”

“They are Americans. You are Americans. And when one set of Americans has an angry torch bearing mob coming for their homes, you as Americans shouldn’t go on tv and go, ‘well, um, we um, respect the, um, greivances the protestors, um, are airing-“

“Fuck that noise!”

“You should grab your guns, get out on your front porch, and scream ‘come get some you commie bastards!’”

“Fear comes from loneliness, from isolation. People afraid of large crowds aren’t afraid of the crowds, they’re afraid because they feel isolated and alone in them.”

“You are not alone! The only people that are alone are the ones you wont fight for in blue cities being flagellated by goddamn communists! The kid who got crucified on national tv for smirking while a fucking maniac beat a drum in his face! Why are you all more afraid than them?”

“Americans love fighting. Americans love a winner. Patton said that. And Patton was also an asshole. And Patton was also right.”

“Each of you, each and every one of you, needs to stop being afraid and start being an asshole.”

“Stop worrying about the criticism and just FIGHT.”

“The only ‘moral high ground’ that exists are the gallows they drag you onto when they finally get around to publically lynching you for something you can’t apologize your way out of.”

“Stop apologizing. Stop being afraid of the backlash.”

“I have a phrase I use. ‘Fuck your fear’. People misunderstand it.”

“When they hear it, they think they’re supposed to abandon their fear and replace it with courage. That’s not entirely incorrect, and that’s a good thing to do, so I don’t bother correcting them.”

“What I mean, though, when I say Fuck your Fear, is I’m saying that I’m fucking YOUR fear. I say this when someone approaches me trying to gaslight me into being afraid of Dems cheating or Trump losing in polls or the Chinese and some new superweapons or the Kung Flu.”

“I look these people in the eyes, and say, ‘No, fuck your fear.’”

“You should all be saying the same thing.”

“Some CNN reporter asks you a stupid question? You tell him ‘fuck your fear.’”

“Some Dem accuses you of treason for not supporting the Green New Deal? Fuck your fear.”

“Some protestors try to intimidate you into changing your vote in Congress’ hallways because the Dems are fucking sneaking them in with guest passes?”

“You tell them ‘Fuck your Fear, and get your unwashed commie ass out of my fucking office.’”

“I don’t know what it’s going to take to get you all to stop curling into the fetal position when a Dem farts from a block away. Certainly won5 be a speech from an asshole like me.”

“I do know whatll stop the riots and the pandemic without a disease. You all doing exactly that.”

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a three party peace plan to negotiate. Oh, and next year, get better bourbon. Comrade Fudge: out.”