I experienced the lowest point of my life during graduate school. I've since recovered to full health. It has, however, left a lasting mental scar on me. I'd never experienced depression before that point. I do my work to try to spare people being where I was at. 2/
Speaking out whilst actively IN academia can be tough. I have no intention of being a professor (though I'd have been a darn good one), so the risk to my career is reduced. I therefore can risk being vulnerable due to the privilege I have to do so. 3/
If the pandemic has shown us anything, it's that specific mental health support for grad students is lacking, and academics need more than "wellness seminars" to be healthy. We need to raise more awareness of this and Twitter is a powerful medium to do just that. 4/
If I can tangentially help even one person succeed and "make it" in academia we begin to break the cycle. Having people in senior positions who are okay with opening up and showing vulnerability is something we desperately need. 5/
Visibility is one of the most important things for mental health. Showing that it's part of us all. I've accidentally hit a nerve with my mental health work, and I'm absolutely going to continue to do it until things change. 6/
I'm never going to forget my choice to never be where I was again. No-one deserves to be at a junction point they might not come back from in the persuit of higher education. My biggest hope is that my work will become no longer relevant. Until then, I'll occupy this space. 7/7
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How my ADHD masking manifests, and how they've always been seen as positive traits, so no-one really ever stopped to check that just because I was functioning didn't mean I was fine...a few examples:
Always being early for meetings and social events. Always on time. Wayyyyy on time. Like ridiculously early because then I *can't* be late.
How it looks: Organised and engaged.
How it makes me actually feel: stressed and anxious that I must get there early.
Responding to emails straight away, because if I don't, I might forget to get back to someone.
How it looks: Super on the case, lots of energy.
How it makes me actually feel: Often burned out/singed at the edges
A couple of ways ADHD presented during my PhD that made me feel like a terrible researcher:
-Not being able to read papers for more than ~1 min
-Being asked about literature and not remembering even though I HAD read them
-Getting involved in ALL of the things and overstretching
Coping mechanisms I learned over time:
-Making myself whole presentations about a paper to keep myself engaged
-Using "read aloud" functions for papers
-Running a paper book club to help me find it interesting
-Saying "I don't know" a lot
Oh and I genuinely resented people will great memories and it really wasn't there fault. But also memory and ability are not the same.
I didn't realise I had ADHD until the start of the pandemic. At that point, particularly with lockdown, all my decades of masking and coping mechanisms I'd built got ripped apart very, very quickly. For my whole life I'd kept myself BUSY.
In fact, being busy and doing ALL of the things in the society we live in, is seen as a huge asset, so why would anyone contend that? I struggle to focus on one thing for prolonged periods, so switching through what seems like an inordinate amount of projects enables me to...
...mix things up, and keep my interest up. Most of these were gone quickly, as this included social activities. I was then stuck in my own head a lot. It's also busy here. But what that often becomes is anxious. I've gone from A to B to Z in 3 seconds.
I do the majority of my talks at £500 each (plus travel if it's not online). The prep, the time and the energy it takes me takes a lot out of me. That way I can use the money for myself, for my causes, or donate my time where I see fit. But it IS work, and should be paid.
A lot of takes on that thread though like "you could help someone but you chose not to because you didn't get paid enough" not appreciating the irony though.
Also: I'm lucky. I have a lot of privilege and could afford to get by without charging but then, by not charging, I'd be setting precedent for not paying others. And I think DEI work needs to be valued and paid.
Why is seeking an ADHD diagnosis so important to me? Why bother when I've got a PhD, a good job, I've lived so long without it formally diagnosed?
I've lived a massive portion of my life with anxiety (including chronic stomach issues) and depression. 1/
I've also had periods of time in my life where I've been suicidal. It's not until recently (due to pandemic pressure on top of everything else I've realised, with help from my therapist, I likely have ADHD). Here's the thing: 2/
"Anxiety and depression turn into low self-esteem and self-loathing, and the risk for self-harm and suicide attempts is four-to-five times that of girls without ADHD" according to a recent study apa.org/news/press/rel…
My story of medical misogyny is going to the doctors 5 times with "side pain" and being told it's "just period pain" or "IBS". When I finally got a scan it was an "ovarian cyst the size of a potato". By the time I was booked in for surgery it ruptured. Believe people 😕
Top points for the people wading in to tell me that medical misogyny isn't a thing
Genuinely overwhelmed and my heart goes out to you all sharing your stories 💔