Thread by @tessie18

Since its Friday night & the dating scene is on lower lockdown levels in JHB, let me tell you all about the date when I first learned about the transactional nature of dating in Jwanseburg. I was 30 years old & had lived in Joburg all my life, I really should have know by then🙈

I was on a lunch break with a friend at a strip mall when a guy pulled up next to me in a Porche as I walked back to my car. I greeted and kept it moving. My friend was horrified insisting I give my number. He pulled the car next to mine to ask for my number, I took his instead.

My colleagues laughed at my lack of interest and called me out for not at least hearing the guy out. So I called him and he came to meet me that night, joining me and dinner with another friend just to feel him out before agreeing to a one on one meeting. Mans passed.

So the real first date was set up. He came to fetch me at my apartment. I hot in the car and the first thing he asked was "who pays for your car?". I was shook. I looked at him on some what do you mean tip. I said "me", which he followed up with "who pays for your house?". WTF?!

I have never been more confused in my life. I said "I'm 30. You met me during my lunch break. Surely you know that it's possible for me to pay for a flat and a i10?" I was offended. He said he didnt mean to offend he just didn't want to come to a house someone else was paying for

"Who else could be paying for it?" I thought. Also why was mans more worried about stepping on the toes of a fictional guy paying my bond then offending me? Anyway, he suggested we get some food on the way and chill at his house. Cool. I said we can get Nandos. He was confused

He said he meant he could call a resturant & place an order on the way so that we can pick it up, was I sure I wanted Nandos? I was sure. We got to Nandos drive through and I immediately noticed to looks and stares we were getting in the drive through. People pointing at the car.

I asked if it was usual for people to do this. He looked at me and said "You really dont know what car this is do you?". I said "No, I do. It's a Porche." Then he lost it a little. "Its an R8. Not even the same make as Porche." I admit I had no clue what that meant at the time

He was visibly irritated when he said "I brought my latest car on this date and you didnt even notice the difference?". I knew at this point that I was out of my league and my element. Now we were on our way to his house with our Nandos. This was going to be interesting.

Now mans is preparing Nandos with "condiments from his pantry". I was so far from Eldos guys. I started conversation by asking why he thought it appropriate to ask who pays for my house and car. That date became a master class I JHB dating. He told me that it's common.

According to mans even among working women men pay for homes and cars. And it's not that he would not date me if someone or multiple people were paying for it, but he needed to know the playing field and competition. I was SHOOK. Said men approach women based on affordibility

I kid you not. That had never occured to me. He said based on the clothes I wore and my hair I looked low maintenance (aka I'm cheap) but because I lived on my own and had a car the affordability calculation was about who his competition was so he asked. Also didnt want surprises

I appreciated his candor. Anyway, I stayed till late chatting then asked to be taken home. Again came the stunned look from him. "I have so many rooms" he said. You dont have to share my room. I was adamant that I dont sleep outside my house. Mans was over me and took me home

We had a few more dates, each stranger than before. All had the same theme "What can I buy you today, to show you how interested I am in you?". It was really unsettling. As thoughtful as some suggestions were I refused each offer to buy me things, he eventually stopped calling

If nothing else it was an ethnographic study in how normalized transactional dating had become and how naive I was to it. I spent the rest of 2014 asking men and women about their experiences. Fascinating stuff.