Thread by @OSPyoutube

is it too late to start a bad movie night -R

okay hypothetically if it ISN'T too late to start a bad movie night what bad movie would you recommend -R

hokiedokes let's do this

well… I have literally never seen a tie happen before, but let's go with Hellboy because I've heard it's an absolute trashfire

less than a minute in and we've had our first f-bomb

why is the narrator… lisping

"No mortal weapon can harm me."
🗡
"*gasp* Excalibur!"
"This is no mortal weapon!"

well we're three and a half minutes in and it is nothing but ADR exposition

and luchadors

it was not worth licensing Rock You Like A Hurricane for this underground luchador fight

as much as I like "I know you're in there somewhere" fights this movie has not earned dropping that line verbatim

it is kind of cute that this vampire bat wrestler man was going by the name "Camazotz", the mayan bat god

it's been a while since I watched the Del Toro hellboy movies but somehow I remember that version of hellboy being a million times more charming without dropping anywhere near as many one-liners and jokes

I'm trying to figure out why there's such a correlation between movies having over-licensed pop song soundtracks and movies being godawful

I think the point of exposition is to get information across quickly so you can get to the good stuff, but all we've got is a series of character intros repeating expodition we've already been given (nimue, vampires, Ruiz Was A Good Agent, etc)

I miss Abe :c

that's 👏 not 👏 what 👏 the 👏 wild 👏 hunt 👏 is

the blocking in this movie is nonexistant. everyone's walking because there's nothing to do while everyone talks about the exposition

oh I remember this bit from the beginning of the good version of the movie

"the lobster"?

"beware my claw for I have come to inflict justice on all of you"???

is this movie supposed to be funny ot not

what does this backstory dump have to do with the giant stuff or the immortal witch or the wild hunt or the vampires or

I liked the original hellboy movie just fine and it didn't even have ONE gorey dismemberment

or f-bombs

well this just took a very stabby turn

so some of the comments are implying this is a mashup of a bunch of different comic arcs, and I totally buy it, because this all feels extremely disjointed

"And you'll restore me, as promised?"
"Don't worry, you'll get what's due."

I'm trying to figure out why this fight cinematography isn't working for me. It's almost… too bright? Like it's full sunlight and wide shots. It's too clear, and the choreography's not good enough to make that worth it

"Gonna feel that in the morning."

all right I kinda like the shot where he got kicked like two hundred feet and then picked up the really big sword to kill the giant

well I guess the wild hunt thing is over, time for Goofy English Shenanigans

ohhhhh they're quoting jabberwock, ohhhhh she's alice, ohhhhhhhhhh who the fuck is alice

literally who is this person

it's been five minutes without a fight scene and we can't have that

oh god not another new character

everyone's either trying to murder hellboy or relentlessly insulting him for looking weird, it's almost like this story only really works if hellboy has kindred spirits to play off of like abe

did the vampires actually matter

that shot was like five dutch angles, ending with one dutch angle tilting into another dutch angle

I wasn't paying attention, who are all these dead guys

ohhhhh it's the osiris guys who tried to murder him, this would've made more sense if they'd showed us more than four dudes

everything in this movie is so unnecessarily disgusting and then hellboy is just nonstop quipping so what tone are they going for

I do really like the line "uhhhhh yea I'd appreciate a prophecy with smaller and more relatable stakes" though

"they call us monsters we should make out" is a bold pickup line, let's see if it pays off for Nimue

this little substory about rescuing a baby stolen by fairies is cute

okay question, in the first scene hellboy gets some weird looks but he does a full wrestling match and then goes on a three-week bender and nobody seems particularly perturbed. in what sense is he stuck "in the shadows"

in fact, the audience screams and runs when his opponent turns into a bat monster, which means HIS monstery-ness wasn't deemed scary enough to prompt screaming and running. what are the rules here

he is fully out on a major street in daylight. why is hardass military man talking shit about him "scaring the locals" and then taking zero precautions about it

this movie is definitely bad, but it also just… feels bad. it's icky and unpleasant and everyone's mad at everyone all the time.

I'm trying to figure out why this character sassing nonstop isn't endearing him to me at all. I think it's because he has nobody to play off of.

Okay so this "monsters hiding in the shadows" thing to motivate hellboy to The Dark Side is becoming a central pivot of the plot, but the comments imply that this is completely non-comic-canon

oh okay I see what's happening, this movie saw how the original hellboy had a really good tragic daddy issues subplot and decided to make it more hamfisted and less compelling

he rode an elevator to the facility basement and wound up in an ethereal forest with baba yaga's house in it

this movie is really just "hellboy gets dragged through a series of apparently unconnected setpieces complaining the entire time"

the rhythm of this movie is
*villain monologues at length about Their Motives And Stuff*
*beat*
*hellboy says a quip*
*something disturbing happens*
*fight scene*
*hellboy is brought to a new setting, either unconscious or complaining nonstop*

hardass military cheekbone man's backstory is just the plot of predator

and now there's zombies

we're in Final Battle territory and there's 45 minutes to fill

so this is what the plot was about? all these monsters coming out of the shadows?

oh yeah I forgot about the good-guy witch lady, kinda cool how she was in the intro and then never mentioned in the last full hour

alice can punch ghosts now

the final battle has been postponed, we needed to distress the damsel first

oh I remember this plot point from hellboy 2: the golden army, except they used a really cool-looking angel design instead of a decrepit zombie wizard

welp, wasn't seeing the "hellboy is the true heir to king arthur" thing coming

I love how anyone reading this twitter thread without seeing the movie has no idea if I'm making shit up or not

pretty cool how they looped in the twist from Sonic And The Black Knight where Sonic turned out to be the real King Arthur and also hellboys great-great-great grandpa

okay NOW is final bossfight time right? only 35 minutes left in the movie??

uh oh the final threat is a plague

when did cheekbones mctragicbackstory decide he didn't want to kill hellboy

all right let's slog through this miniboss fight before we sort out the nimue thing

oooh I suspected cheekbones mcmurderman might be a werewolf since they put so much focus on his magic epipen

okay how strong and durable is hellboy? he got stabbed like fourteen times earlier and treated it like a mild inconvenience and now he's like "ahhh chair"

things hellboy can beat:
-giants
things hellboy can't beat:
-chair
-four normal dudes
-baba yaga
-pig man who used to be baby

ten minutes ago merlin was like "noooooo you didn't take the sword I used the last of my power to bring it and now you fucked up and it's gone forever noooo ack my booooones" and now they just fell through this random floor and excalibur is right there

ouch right in the father figure

ahhhh now I look coolerrrrr

be pretty cool if baba yaga's curse on him to see the person he loves most die meant nimue got iced, kind of a "gollum and the ring's curse on him to die if he ever touched it again" situation

why were all these people out on the street? there's a freaking plague

also I feel like hellboy is maybe using the wrong arm for this

he's gonna start quipping any second now

that horn-breaking scene was better and more emotional in the original movie and everybody knows it

"lady… quit while you're…… a head"

that's not even me sassing, his delivery really sounded defeated

cheekbones mcwerejaguar seems fine now, guess that werewolf epipen was totally unnecessary and he's got it all under control and can turn into a big cat

this movie really thinks it deserves a "six months later"

they really thought they were getting a sequel huh

oh NOW you assholes give me abe

well that was an absolute hot mess

I knew we'd get an after-credits scene. this movie is so proud of itself. and they brought back the FUCKING lobster man

I don't understand why this movie was made

who really looked at Del Toro's movies and thought "we should do this again, but with more gore, more exposition, less charm and significantly more boring blocking"

this movie tried to do too many things and then the things it did do it didn't do very well

mulling over the movie is making me appreciate cheekbones mcmurderkitty more, his character had actual layers even if they did rush through the "hellboy's a monster jk we're besties" thing

WAIT THEY DIDN'T EXPLAIN WHO BROUGHT HIM TO ALICE'S HOUSE

WAIT NIMUE'S ARMY OF MONSTERS NEVER EVEN DID ANYTHING