Thread by @abbyhonold

The average person has no idea the lengths that most victims of abuse go to to hide the abuse from everyone. The reason you don’t see abuse isn’t because it isn’t happening - it’s because both the abuser and the victim are often heavily invested in hiding it.

It makes sense why an abuser would hide their behavior. But most people can’t wrap their minds around why victims cover for their abusers. First & most importantly: this is often someone that they love. Someone who loved was good to them once.

Calling your partner an abuser - to anyone - often feels like crossing a point of no return. And for many victims, the response is either:

1. Defending the abuser - “maybe you’re overreacting”, “I don’t know if I believe that”

2. “You need to leave”

Neither of these reactions are helpful. Most of us can probably figure out why it doesn’t feel good to disclose abuse and then hear someone downplay or defend it. But immediately jumping to “why don’t you leave?” is harmful, too.

The choice to leave a relationship needs to be up to the victim (w/ exceptions for children and vulnerable adults). Abuse is a loss of choices. Being pushed into a choice that you aren’t ready for is another loss of control.

Many victims who are pushed to leave too soon end up back with their abuser or with a new abuser. And those who are pressured to leave, but don’t, end up feeling like they are a failure, and that they’re doomed to be stuck forever. Leaving isn’t as easy as it sounds.

TL;DR if you have a friend in an abusive relationship:

1. Listen to them without judgment
2. Tell them the positive things that they DO deserve from a relationship, instead of trashing their abuser
3. Learn about the resources they may need, be ready to share them when it’s time