Thread by @pptsapper

I have wine

Stew is simmering

I'd say y'all might get some drunj history but as you can see, getting a refill is gonna be a problem

She's purring SO loudly

Okay, I got refills

She's relocated her base which means that I'VE GOT TIME AND SPACE FOR DRUNJING

Ok ok ok. Lessee...

OH

HEY

LET'S TALK BOUT THAT CRACKER LINE AT CHATTANOOGA

And you're like ugh, no, that sounds like grocery shopping

FINE

Lemme rephrase that

Who wants to talk bout how that dude who they named a fort after that got horny on Twitter got his ass kicked

YES I KNOW THE GRAMMAR BROKE DOWN, YOU'LL GET OVER IT

Ok ok ok

So it's like 1863 and all that shit, and William Rosecrans basically blindfolded that rebel asshole braxton bragg, spun him around three times, pinned a tail on him, and maneuvered his ass outta Tennessee in a goddam SYMPHONY of maneuver

Some lyrical shit, man

Bragg suddenly wakes up one day in Georgia and is like "oh fuck, how did I end up like this" and calls for help from Bobby Lee who's like, fine, have some reinforcements, and so Bragg attacks Rosecrans, because that's what ya do, and wins a basic bitch victory at Chickamauga

But there's a probbbbblemmmmmm for ol B-squared

And his name is George "fuck the hell right off" Thomas, who just doesn't know what retreating in front of rebels even is

I mean, he's from Virginia, but still wearing that ol US blue, and lives for schwacking rebels

Anyways, Thomas buys everyone enough time to get back to Chattanooga and Bragg rushes up and begins besieging the shit out of things as best he can

Lincoln freaks the fuck out and sends in US Grant to save the day

Lemme tell ya

The Army of the Cumberland didn't need no rescue

Grant shows up OTD in 1863 just as Rosecrans gets his resupply line established - called the cracker line because it brought crackers in - that's just exactly how imaginative they were at naming shit back in the 1860s

Ummmm... Right. Yes. So. Besieged

Ok, so here's how this shiznit lay. Confederates up on this long ass ridge named for their sex lives - Missionary Ridge. Some of em up on Lookout Mountain, on their left. Some of em dug in on their right

Grant's looking around like "lotta high ground up there"

Now Grant, he devises a cunning plan. Super cunning. He's gonna attack the rebs with Willy Sherman on their right. Then he'll have some newly arrived troops from the east under Joe "Yes, that's actually my last name" Hooker make a feint against Lookout Mountain

Sherman and Grant are buds, they arrived to this total loser army, in their opinion, and are like the cool kids in high school, sitting at their own table, attacking in their own cool kid way

And totally faillllllling

Except for Hooker on Lookout Mountain, who's soaring like an

Sherman gets all kinds of hung up so Grant asks Thomas to make a demonstration in the middle against the impossibly strong sex ridge

I mean, Missionary Ridge

So, Thomas sends his boys after the first rebel line at the bottom of the ridge. But they alllllllll kinda mad

See, they've NEVER LOST and they don't like this implication of WT Sherman and Ulysses SG coming to "save" them

So, they take the first rebel line and, uh, keep the fuck going

Grant and Thomas are sitting in an orchard. Grant mumbles something about someone catching hell

Sheridan, probs a tad drunk, def short, toasts the enemy artillery, then gets mud splattered all over his uniform by a rebel shell

"That was ungentlemanly. I'll take your guns for that," he says, all short and whatnot.

Thomas's boys goin straight up Unimaginative Sex Ridge

Grant asks who ordered them to do this

Thomas shrugs. Maybe moves an eyebrow.

They watch the flags go straight up Basic Sex Ridge, as Wisconsin, Illinois, and Ohio vent some Big 10 rage on the SEC

Now, Missionary Ridge is a strong af position. But the rebs can't angle the guns down low enough

Also, their morale can't go any lower even though they'd just won but now they're surrounded by pissed of Midwesterners with bayonets

And then the rebs begin to RUN

Sure, everyone had seen the rebs retreat. But... Run? Straight leggin it

Bragg's army was straight up runnnnnnning allllllll the way back into Georgia with their proud leader (for whom we named a horny base for, let me remind you)

And that's how Braxton Bragg got his ass kicked at Chattanooga

Willy Sherman would take this opportunity to run after Atlanta & then Savannah & burn. It. All. Down.

Allllll down.

Cause that's what you get when you do a treason to defend enslaving people

This was #drunjhistory