Thread by @StewartalsopIII

A #stablethread on talking to strangers.

I've been working with @socialanimal_us for a few years on an off and on basis. Yesterday I sent him a message saying I was desperately in need of help. I want to break free of this in person self-censorship that I experience regularly.

Ruben and another counselor taught me that if you aren't joking around with the strangers that you happen to share physical time and space with, your perception of the world could be reorganized until that happens naturally. Particularly in this time of online violence

The spice of life is other people. They are infinitely complex which makes them so interesting. When we censor our natural urge to express ourselves it is truly a form of violence that we are doing to ourselves. There is nothing to fear from other people (unless its mob time).

But most people don't talk to strangers. Most people have this deep-seated fear of other people or often times a kind of superiority-inferiority complex.

But what will people think? What if they reject me? What if I say the wrong thing? I can't talk to people with masks on.

After several years now, I'm pretty comfortable expressing myself with strangers as long as that stranger is not a woman that I find beautiful. For a single man who hasn't confronted this part of himself, approaching such a woman is like a singularity, a black hole.

Nothing except the actual activity of approaching an attractive woman can prepare a man for this. Its deeply evolutionary, back in the day when we only had 150 people in our tribe, approaching the wrong woman could mean ostracism from the tribe and thus death.

I should make it clear that Ruben (@socialanimal_us) does not offer seduction tips, he is not a pickup artist and doesn't teach people that.

But self-censorship often is the most pronounced when it comes to strangers we find attractive so it should not be avoided either.

As for myself, I'm getting to the age where I want to find a partner, maybe have kids. I don't do dating apps and I find them repulsive. Partner dancing was a good way to meet women, but now dance socials are done for the foreseeable future. Now I have no choice left, bravery.

So Ruben has given me a few tips today:

Goal for the mind: Give 3 compliments a day to strangers.

Goal for the soul: Understand why I view the world in such a way that giving strangers compliments is seen as work or anxiety-producing.

Already given one today!

If this topic interests you and you want to hear Ruben speak directly about it, check out my podcast with him:

open.spotify.com/episode/4lJ8oz…

He is also going to send me some videos of him in action later on which I will post here as well

Here is a video of Ruben's that goes into the nature of desire, specifically as it relates to something we find beautiful. Beauty causes an immediate reaction in the perceiver, we can pretend to cover it up, but the reaction is automatic.

You can tell Ruben is a master teacher because he always brings it back to the point:

"All the things you think are problems are in reality symptoms"

The mind sees some behavior and says "I don't want to do that anymore" without really looking at why the perception is there.

I decided to start talking to strangers in a foreign country which is coming with both its easy side and its difficult side.

The easy side is that Brazilians are ridiculously friendly and open to random conversations particularly from tall foreigners

https://twitter.com/StewartalsopIII/status/1320087438916804610?s=19

The hard part is that my goal for the day is to give three compliments a day and its really testing my Portuguese vocabulary. Not only do I have to identity something I enjoy about the other person but I also need a specialized vocabulary. Its great Portuguese practice.

Also im finding that one of the best antidepressants is to give strangers compliments. Its a crazy emotional aikido move. I was feeling low which made it difficult to start but immediately after compliment is delivered and connection made, I am feeling lighter and grounded.