Thread by @UrsulaV

I am having a Day, Internet. I will spare you the saga of my attempts to find a working ATM in a windstorm, but it culminated in getting sideswiped in a Burger King parking lot by a man going approximately two miles an hour.

You know how they say “That’ll buff right out?” My truck will buff right out. He barely scraped the paint. His minivan...not so much. The fender was pretty well corrugated.

His wife was furious and yelling at him and I felt terrible for the guy.

I was like “Dude, it’s not a big deal, nobody’s hurt, it happens to all of us, just photograph the scuff so you know I’m not gonna take a hammer to it or something.”

His wife growled something about how she didn’t want to use her insurance card because it was his fault, and he was all “But hon, we’re on the same policy, both our names are on the card...” Friends, this cut no ice with her.

On the phone to the insurance, more to cover the bases than to actually get anything fixed.

INSURANCE PERSON: Did the police come out?
ME: No. I’ll be honest, the other driver was a black dude and I wasn’t gonna be rolling the dice on his life over my car.
INSURANCE PERSON: ...that’s the best thing I’ve heard today. Okay.

INSURANCE: Let me transfer you to a specialist to take a statement.
INSURANCE2: Tell me what happened!
ME: Ok, so I was looking for an ATM in a windstorm...
*time passes*
ME: And that is the story of how I got a man’s insurance number in the next town over instead of a Whopper.

INSURANCE2: *attempts to recover from the full Ursula Storytelling Experience*
ME: I really don’t need a lot of money or anything. It’s a scrape. It’s a truck. I am not angling for it to get a full spa day at the body shop.
INSURANCE2: Oh...good...

And now, paperwork all filed, I can finally leave this accursed Burger King and go home.

So I get home, Kevin takes a washcloth to the scrape and it’s all the minivan’s paint. There’s one narrow line that I could literally fix with a Sharpie. And then the insurance calls back to say that the other driver admitted fault and knows he’s on the hook for 100% of repairs.

ME: Okay, so there aren’t any repairs
INSURANCE PERSON #3: Beg pardon?
ME: It’s his paint and one scratch. I could fix this with a black Sharpie and a car wash.
INSURANCE3: Ah...well...
ME: I have hurt this truck worse hauling cow manure.
INSURANCE3: ...

ME: Can I just not ask for any money? Am I allowed to do that?
INSURANCE3: Are you?
ME: I’m asking?
INSURANCE3: (very uncertainly) ...Yes?
INSURANCE: You can...uh...I can just close out the claim...if there’s something wrong that shows up later, you can call?
ME: Sure, will do.

INSURANCE3: *desperately trying to be upbeat for the call monitor people* Well, the other driver will probably be relieved.
ME: If you can pass along a message, tell him I hope his day improves!
INSURANCE3: ...thankyouforcallingstatefarm.

I need a nap.