Remember, when you mess up and rupture a relationship, that provides an opportunity for repair. It is in this repair that relationships are strengthened. No one is perfect (or can be), all we can do is try our best each day.
This tweet brought to you by T indeed having the discussion with Grace and then her having a go at me, Lucas and Eleanor, and me responding in a calm (but not entirely fair, given she'd already been spoken to) way.
I apologised for also talking to her about it, and said I should have left it with T, but that I reacted to my frustration. Big hugs, and then some more big hugs as we spoke about how as you get older you have more responsibility.
She cried and said she hates being 11, and hates getting older and doesn't want more responsibility. And look, I said I agreed, it would be nice to not have any, as I am not a fan of adulting most days.
We both gave her hugs, and after she had calmed, then T spoke about rules, and responsibilities and how they are community rules for the benefit of everyone in the family, and we spoke about how this translates to our social responsibilities as well, to our wider community.
And then, before she left, I asked her for a hug and gave her a big hug and said that when we remind her of these things it isn't a criticism of who she is, and that I love her to pieces even when she slams doors or breaks rules, but encouraging responsibility is about helping
Her to grow. And that I think she is doing an amazing job of that even though its really hard sometimes.
So there was rupture and repair in action. I have to remind myself of how important that is. When you grew up with only ruptures it has a terrible impact on your self worth, your capacity to assert needs and boundaries, and pretty much everything.
When she came home tonight from cheer, I helped her shower and she let me condition and comb out her hair (which I did very slowly and patiently), and we chatted. She drew a love heart on the steamed up shower screen and wrote Me + Mum inside of it.
"I would have written Mummy, but I couldn't fit it. My friends call their friends Mum, but I call you Mummy, because you're my amazing Mummy." Then I towel dried and plaited her hair, and tucked her in to bed.
When I got Lucas his ice, she asked if she could have some ice too, and I said yes. And then she read for about ten minutes. When T came in to sing her nursery rhymes, she asked if I could lay with her too.
I said yes, even though it hurts my neck and shoulder (so many toys and not much space). She curled her hand into mine, and tucked it under her chin. I was disruptive to the sleep process initially because T sings bespoke versions of nursery rhymes.
So for example "Gracie's avocado followed her to school one day..." which made me laugh, which made her laugh, which made T laugh. It was a very nice little moment of connection, which she asked for and I said yes to.
She just turned 11, and despite all those responsibilities weighing heavily on her some times, she's most definitely still a tiny human who both wants and needs to be nurtured. Today was a good parenting day, and it came from a mistake.
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
