I could write jokes for 800 years and I'd never think of something funnier than Trump booking the Four Seasons for his big presser, and it turning out to be the Four Seasons Total Landscaping parking lot between a dildo store and a crematorium.
Also the twist that they announced Biden won DURING the conference, and Rudy asked which network called it, and the reporters said "All of them"
Here’s the “all the networks” moment
Also truly love the idea of a small landscaping company getting a call from Rudy Giuliani to book their space (something that a landscaping company does not do) and them just agreeing and not correcting him
Anyone else can’t sleep bc they’re just lying on their side in the dark thinking about Four Seasons Total Landscaping?
Stuck between a cock and charred place

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More from @ZackBornstein

26 Jun
Finally some good news, scientists discovered a treatment that can reduce COVID19 transmission by 70%, and its just a piece a cloth you wear in front of your dumb fucking face
Truly cannot understand why people don’t want to wear masks, it’s not like they’re expensive or uncomfortable or awkward, it just prevents people from dying. It’s the lowest risk, highest reward.
Americans could have put a single piece of cloth in front of their wet fucking mouths and prevented a World War One amount of death, and they just didn't
Read 5 tweets
30 May
NYC friends, I noticed all the undercover cops are wearing white arm bands, probably to recognize each other. Be careful.
Historically, is it a good or bad sign when violent police forces start wearing matching armbands?
Sounds like the color changes, so today the arm band is white, but tomorrow it could be red with angular black lines
Read 5 tweets
28 Apr 19
And on the first day God said “um so I made a thing”
And on the second day, God RT’d it and said “This.”
And on the third day God said “Wow I’m overwhelmed by all your support. It’s taken years and years of working alone on it, uncertain it would ever be seen. So, yeah, my heart is about to explode. Thank you. This is surreal.”
Read 8 tweets

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