Thread by @ImmyKaur

If a small thing goes wrong in my week or month, I upset someone or get something wrong or have something happen I don’t know how to speak about while doing my relatively simple, not life or death job I’ll lose sleep, be anxious for weeks, have a good cry at home, + feel ..

... pretty lonely in doing something which in the grand scheme of things is important but not that big a deal. So I do rate those who get up, + put themselves in the firing line online, in person, all the time, everyday, who then have to pretty much be perfect to not be ..

... ripped apart + even if they are will still be ripped apart, trying to make decisions, hold massive teams together, turn up with a smile + hope + energy day after day after day. When you add that to jobs where your ultimately going to be responsible for the arc of ..

... history, a raging pandemic, deathly violent division, anti blackness and racism, rampant inequality, crumbling climate, a broken media, + all the rest. Then to get up everyday to say yes I’m going to work to somehow prove myself to you, I know half of you hate me, ..

... and will tell me everyday, I know even the half sort of on our side, really dislike most of this, + we have to appeal, understand, work alongside all these views of how we go foreword knowing no one will ever be truly happy, or have the purest perfect answer, honour ..

.. all the work, and organising, and then try to find some sort of consensus, or bold decision amongst all the structural dark matter + energy that makes these decisions always huge compromises, + accountability looking pretty brutal at times with no space for nuance or ..

... the reality of the situation, nothing happening at all, the opposite happening. Within all that you got to a good partner, Mum, Dad, Aunt, Grandparent, stay fit, healthy, eat your good food, drink water, turn up every day impeccable, inspiring, holding hope ..

... I have no desire to hold any high office or power, I don’t have the mettle or the steeliness or can handle the overwhelm, or even simply the sensory overload. But, for the sake of turning a notch on the arc of history, for the sake of the challenges ahead like the meta ..

... ones, I hope I can grow some proper deep strength to not be so damn scared or paralysed by certain things + I can recognise how ridiculous it is to get anything done in this world, + the people who still try, I’m pretty convinced this lot aren’t even power hungry ..

.. their too old or going to get too much abuse just for being who they are, + still they going to turn up every day amongst the tidal wave of crap + try, as are all the people who been ploughing away at tiny different parts of the system, movement + work. I want some of ..

... that strength, resolve and focus and to shed some of the everyday fear, pettiness, and confidence that is zapped by that, because ultimately the problems are so big we are only going to make a tiny dent in our lifetimes, but we have to madly deeply insatiably ...

... believe it’s possible everyday, with an open heart and mind to grow, change, go together, because what’s the point otherwise. All of it can be true, the imagining of a new world, the working within what we have, the nuance, the problems, the compromise, the hope.

And maybe just maybe the only answer is to sit outside the system entirely, opt out, not be complicit at all in anything, not use anything, + build totally anew like many Khalsa + others are doing. I just don’t know how to do that, at all, without deep hypocrisy.

Because when I’ve unpacked most of what’s happening in those circles it’s really problematic too, really selfish, really centred on money, + dip in + abuse the system when needed like the NHS + treat those humans like shit, so I don’t know what that looks like if I’m honest.

Within all this I still want the long arc of history and all our micro contributions to move towards our most radical imaginations of what is possible.

Also this is my kryptonite because people know if they tap into my fear, and anxiety to have not got it right I’ll go round in circles playing a game I can never win, so I understand escaping our own shit, is part of how we step being part of collective working but it’s hard.

I remember a prominent leader in the sector saying I was too fragile for this kind of work or the work that will topple large entrenched systems, and she was probably right but it was still shit for a WW to say that, but I was even younger then ..

... there’s time to outgrow our fears and insecurities right? There’s time to make peace with the loss of the things you thought you’d have or were snatched right? Where do these snapshot assessments of who we are come from + what do they seek to serve?