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Eketi

12 Nov, 16 tweets, 3 min read

"Eketi, this is in response to your post about the worst breakup.

We started dating in secondary school. Everyone in our families knew we were in a relationship. We both came from a poor background, so, going higher institution was impossible.

After WAEC, I decided to work as a security guard and sponsor her through school with my salary. The plan was after she finished, she would work while I went to school.

Before she finished, she got pregnant. Since everyone knew it was mine, our families decided we should wait until after she finishes, before we got married.

She gave birth to a boy.

After her B.Sc, she told me she wanted to go for her Master's too, so I should hold on until she finished before going to university. Her mother was the one taking care of our son.

Then it happened.

Some months into her Master's, I met my girl late at night,

in front of her house, inside the car of a strange man. I fought with her seriously that night, almost beating the man. The next day, her father came to me and said he didn't think his daughter can marry me. That I'm a very violent man.

He also said that the man I saw was his daughter's fiancee from Germany. That the man had already paid the bride price and he was only waiting in Nigeria for the white wedding.

I lost 10kg the first day. My girl stopped seeing totally and blocked my calls. They got married.

The man returned to Germany. I didn't see my girl throughout that period.

Her mother brought my son to me. She said her daughter could no longer be known to have given birth. That her husband doesn't know she has a son. And she, the grandmother, could no longer take care of him.

I took my son to my mother to raise. I tried to commit suicide three times and lost a total of 40kg during that ordeal.

A year after, I was arrested by the police. Because that girl, who had now gone to meet her husband in Germany, couldn't give birth!

She sent the police to arrest me, so I could sign a statement that I'll remove whatever I did to block her womb and no harm will come to her or her husband.

I was tortured for three days in the cell till I signed their statement. Is this heartbreak or heart death?"

-Akinola A.

"I flew to Abuja from Lagos to have breakfast with her, because she said she was craving SFC that morning. I lived in Lagos at the time and that day was my birthday.

So I hopped on a plane, arrived at ABJ and we had breakfast at SFC. Then I went to the airport and flew back.

Did I mention she took my watch and didn’t get me a birthday gift?
I got to Lagos and feeling all romantic, I called and told her I wanted to spend forever with her.

She said, no thanks, she’s actually in love with my friend. No, that's not he shocker.

She then insisted that I must help her get him, if I truly loved her cared about her happiness.

I was in so much pain, I proceeded to throw my iPhone at my 38 inch TV and shatter both phone and TV.

Flight tickets - almost 50k
SFC / transport -10K
iPhone / TV - don’t remind me.

But you see the God that I serve (burst into spontaneous tongues)!

She’s now following one 3rd rate raga artist in Gbagada. He’s 40, she’s 37 and they have hope that he will still “blow” any day now.

My sister, I have suffered in this my small life. Which is why God broke the bank when he rewarded me with my wife.
*bursts into spontaneous negro hymnals*

Please keep me anonymous."

Anonymous Two:

"She told me that she can’t date my type because I love too much. Said I won’t beat her; that she needs a man that will handle her with “Strong hand.” A man that will “reset her from time to time," as that's the only way she will know that a man loves her.

Because her head dey touch and sometimes she dey like scatter things just to see how him go do. But guys like me go just dey do love, we won’t beat her.

Mind you this wasn't a hood rat. Babe was an account manager at an advertising firm, made good money and drove a Pathfinder."

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More from @eketiette

Eketi

@eketiette

13 Nov

On Project/Master's Thesis Defence in Nigerian Federal Universities - A thread:

"We had to pay hotel bills for the members of the panel. You could also offer sex, if your supervisor is the devil's apprentice. Transport money inclusive."
- Erdoo N.

"I decided I'd never have anything else to do with Nigerian universities, the day I saw people defending their masters dissertation presenting coolers of rice, garden eggs and crates of drinks to their supervisors. I legit thought someone was getting married."
- Bibian U.

"We we're told we'd pay 60k each, for both entertainment and logistics of external supervisor."
-Chiamaka O.

"We spent the night prior to my mother's defense at the University of Ilorin, cooking coolers of rice with assorted meat for the lecturers."
- Omekagu.

Read 15 tweets

Eketi

@eketiette

24 Sep

I am fourteen.

My sister has just returned from her afterschool lesson. Her face is stormy as she dashes to her room, unwilling to respond to our greetings and customary question, “how did your lesson go today?”

Mama asks me to go see to her, ask what is the matter.

I find her lying face down on her bed, head buried in the pillow, quiet sobs shaking her shoulders.

My sister is reserved. She doesn’t speak unless she wants to; she’s always had a mind of her own. So, I know that nothing I say will make her tell me what’s wrong.

We will have to wait until she’s good and ready. So, I put my hand on her shoulder and tell her everything will be fine.

I say, “You can always tell me what’s bothering you, you hear?"

I get up and head for the door. My hand is stayed when I hear her whisper something.

Read 20 tweets

Eketi

@eketiette

13 Sep

Years ago, my father said something to me that was a teaching moment.

A former tenant had owed rent for almost three years. Then his light disconnected by NEPA. When they left, he began to tap light illegally. If NEPA came for an inspection, my father would have to pay the bill.

Knowing this, Dad did what was necessary; he called a professional to come and disconnect the light.

While he stood to the side and watched as the electrician did his job, one of the man’s children came outside. On seeing the two men, she lost it.

"You're very wicked!

Stupid man!” she railed. “You’re doing as if you’re God because you’re the landlord. You want us to live in darkness? Wicked man! Bet here, we’ll have our own house one day. If you like, cut the light.”

Fact to note: my father was older than that girl by at least thirty years.

Read 9 tweets

Eketi

@eketiette

4 Sep

My name is Kokonne and I used to see things. My grandmother, Nnenne said it was a gift and her husband Etebom agreed. But my parents were not so inclined.

"She has the gift," Etebom said.

"Ete, mbok kutañ uto iko ado," my mother would say. "Don't encourage her fantasies."

But they weren't fantasies - the gift was real.

It was there when I told Iya Philomena in our compound that one day, her husband would lock the door of their bedroom and dance the horizontal waist dance with the landlord's daughter.

She said she'd heard tales of my predictions and knew I was a witch.

But she said very little else afterwards, when I told her that I knew she was already doing the horizontal dance with the landlord and that her son, Ugo, had come after their third dance session.

Read 11 tweets

Eketi

@eketiette

6 Aug

"Vacancy! Vacancy!! Vacancy!!!

Electrical Engineer needed. Fresh Post-NYSC. Twenty years experience.

Must be able to think fast and on their feet. Must be able to drive.

Must know a bit about everything.
Must be able to recognize an ancestor at first glance.

Must have commissioned at least five capital projects in the five major cites in the country.

Must be able to work under pressure.

Must be able to read people and act accordingly in the work place.

Must be able to treat fellow workers of simple ailments like malaria...

cardiac arrest, nephrotic syndrome, etc. and know a little bit about cesarean section just in case.

Must be able to represent the company well, both outside and in court.

There's a special consideration for applicants who can raise the dead.

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Eketi

@eketiette

29 Jul

"My Mother-In-Law was poisoning me, then I found out why.

Everyone has their own nightmare in-law story, though I couldn't imagine how bad mine would be. As it turns out the worst thing wasn't my mother-in-law poisoning me, the worst thing was why she did it.

I met Craig on one of my rare vacations and we had sort of a whirlwind relationship. We fell hard for each other and were married in a courthouse wedding within two months without ever meeting each other's families.

Mine visited a few weeks later and after their initial shock really liked Craig.

While we got moved in together and figured out married life I got to hear more about his parents who lived near the rest of his extended family a few hours away, though we never saw them.

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