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Kingfisher & Wombat

17 Nov, 17 tweets, 2 min read

It’s D&D night, and the party has encountered a corgi vampire!
CORGI PALADIN: I knew something was wrong when he wouldn’t let me sniff his butt.

The vampire has a coffin full of tennis balls.
GM: It’s really more of a ball pit shaped like a coffin.
CORGI: I JUMP IN
PARTY: We question whether this was included in the original design of the dungeon.

CORGI: I turn undead! I hold up my holy symbol and say “You are a Bad Dog!”
GM: He saves.
CORGI: He’s still a bad dog.

ELEPHANT: I pull CHEETAH out of the vampire’s embrace!
GM: Do you move him out of combat or just leave him there?
BUFFALO: Move him! He’s fragile and magey!

VAMPIRE: *attempts to charm BUFFALO*
BUFFALO: *is immune to charm because of sword*
BUFFALO: *is also not an idiot*
BUFFALO: Oh...hey....
ELEPHANT: No! BUFFALO, he’s not your type!
BUFFALO: I dunno, he’s kinda goth.

CORGI: I roll around in the ball pit, looking for the enchanted hammer!
PARTY: Dawwwww
GM: Dawwww
GM: ...you don’t find it.
CORGI: We’re taking all these balls with us when we leave.

VAMPIRE: *teleports*
BUFFALO: Hey man...I thought we had a connection...
VAMPIRE: No, it’s cool. We’ll hang out and light some candles to listen to Sisters of Mercy.
ELEPHANT: I can’t believe you.
BUFFALO: What? Sisters of Mercy is cool. I also like the Cure sometimes.

ELEPHANT: I am so disgusted.
CENTIPEDE: We can’t pick our friends based on their musical tastes!
BUFFALO: But we all did as teenagers!

VAMPIRE: *bites centipede*
BUFFALO: Hey! I thought we had something special!
VAMPIRE: It doesn’t mean anything, baby!

VAMPIRE: *charms ELEPHANT*
BUFFALO: Sisters of Mercy? Eh? Eh?
ELEPHANT: ...they’re alright, I guess.

BUFFALO wrenches CENTIPEDE free of the vampire’s embrace.
BUFFALO: Homewrecker!
CENTIPEDE: It meant nothing!
VAMPIRE: It meant nothing!
BUFFALO: *stealthily Cures Wounds while flinging CENTIPEDE aside*

BUFFALO: *flings arms around vampire* LOVE ME!
GM: Oh god, you’re like the tree from Last Unicorn.
BUFFALO: Yup! And he’s grappled.
GM: He bites you.
BUFFALO: I resist piercing.
GM: What about necrotic?
BUFFALO: EAT TEMPORARY HIT POINTS
TOAD: Like the tofu blood...

BUFFALO: I mash the vampire’s face into my cleavage. I believe he should get modifiers for blindness.
GM: ....well, his vision is certainly limited.

ELEPHANT: There’s plenty of love to go around!
CENTIPEDE: I cast lightning bolt.
TOAD: Just...use protection...

GM: He attempts to charm CHEETAH—
BUFFALO: Charm requires him to see the target. I argue he can’t see anything but boobs.
GM: ...fair.

At last the vampire is mostly slain! And the corpse thrown into boiling mud!
BUFFALO: Is he dead now?
GM: SO dead.
BUFFALO: Slayer’s better than Sisters of Mercy anyway.

Play is paused while BUFFALO’S player goes downstairs and rams the GM’s head into her cleavage.
PLAYER: How’s your line of sight?
GM (muffled): I should not have doubted you.

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2 Nov

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I briefly contemplated honking dogs.

WILDHAIRED OLDER GENTLEMEN: Well, he’s a duck.
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ME: Is that evil? It’s internally consistent—
LIZ: *facepalm*

SHEP: MURDER
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SHEP: That is SO Murder!
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