Thread by @KonstantinKisin

News Update #7 from the People's Republic of Lockdown for 18 Nov, 2027

The Government has announced that the lockdown will be extended for a further month after police officers responded to reports of a serial sneezer loose in central London. This marks 75 months...

...of continuous lockdown but Prime Minister Dawn Butler has promised this extension will be the last one. Her statement was received with apathy as anyone who cared about living ended their life years ago.

Meanwhile the toll from the deadly coronavirus continues to rise...

...with the 14th wave said to be one of the most lethal events in living memory, causing nearly as many deaths as toe stubbings, bathtub drownings and ice cream van accidents combined.

An emergency meeting of THYME confirmed the need to crack down on misinformation about...

...the disease and the Social Transition And Solution Initiative has therefore begun monitoring unscientific discussions between citizens, including in their homes, gardens and what they say to themselves out loud while taking a dump.

In cultural news, the Great Makeover...

...continues with bleeders and non-bleeders coming together, virtually, from inside their self-isolation facilities, to wear gender neutral clothing to celebrate how different and diverse we all are. "It is essential that we showcase the full range of human beauty by...

...dressing, thinking and being identical," a weird pink-haired-teenager-who-never-had-any-friends said.

Finally, we remind citizens to take their daily vaccine. Any failure to comply will result in immediate cancellation of your Netflix subscription or death, whichever...

...you find more painful at this point.

Stay at Home. Flatten Your Life. Protect the NHS.

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