Thread by @ramkid

This is a story about how a mobile phone saved my life. Some people say it's a true story. I am on the fence about it. +

I was driving my car down a lonely road in a jungle. At night. I was alone. I left my charger at home. My phone battery was down to 10%. The network was like an adolescent boy's moustache. In some angles you could faintly discern it. +

Did I tell you I was in a jungle? You know they have wild animals, right? I should have checked my tyres. That's what I was thinking, when my engine coughed. Trouble comes from where you don't expect it. After some Nazir Hussain style death bed histrionics, my engine died. +

I glanced at my phone. 7% battery. a flickering bar of internet. It was already dark. My brain was in swaying wildly from Bear Grylls to Aahat mode. I spent a few minutes trying to rekindle internal combustion. As hopeless as trying to get an expression out of Surender Sharma.+

Is this a good time to tell you I know nothing about cars? I'm not even exactly sure how the bonnet opens. I know there's some thingamajig under the steering wheel that I have to yank. But what should I do under the bonnet, even if I manage to prop it open? No idea. At all. +

So I did what every dummy does. Turned to Google. But first I spent 2% of my battery reading my notifications. Addiction is like that. It has no sense of priority. But guess what. Ricky Ponting, Order of Australia, had liked a tweet of mine! But alas, I had to let Ricky wait. +

I use Google the way school kids do. Type out the entire question. My engine just spluttered and died while driving. What should I do? I lost another 1% of my battery as a 3/4th circle on my screen went round and round, trying to catch its tail. +

Meanwhile, I found what looked like a likely bonnet opening lever. And yanked it. I heard a click from outside. Yay! I stepped out of the car, taking care not to lock myself out. My brain was not totally putty. Yet. I propped the bonnet open after some amateurish attempts. +

I stared inside with my phone torch. Using up another 2% of my battery. I might as well have been looking at Einstein's notes. Attentive readers with a propensity for math would have figured that I was down to 2% battery. But the circle was still circling. +

Under the bonnet, nothing was obviously amiss. That was my only hope. A dangling wire, leaky tube, or smouldering cable. I desultorily tapped a few parts, tugged at some wires, pressed down some things that seemed to need pressing down. And closed the bonnet with a heavy clunk. +

Then two things happened. My phone screen lit up with google results. And a twig snapped a few yards away. Then I dropped the phone. I should have jumped into the car and closed the door. But the brain putty thing decided to kick in. +

I groped around for the phone blindly, my eyes still staring into the forest. Two shiny eyes looked back. I have no idea of the zoological identity of that creature. All I know is that the eyes said one word. Dinner. I glanced at my phone. It said two words. Powering off. +

In what neuroscientists call a fight or flight response, I unleashed a blood curdling scream. Sadly, it didn't as much as cause a ripple in my predator's blood, let alone curdle it. Instead, the eyes came a little closer. I imagined a giant tongue smacking giant lips. +

Then, with preternatural instinct, I did what Ricky Ponting would have done. With Walter Mitty-esque accuracy, I hurled my mobile phone towards the advancing eyes, channeling all my energies at one spot. Middle of middle stump. +

I heard a startled whimper. The eyes stopped moving. Then they blinked. And disappeared. I heard undergrowth snapping as my would-be-consumer scampered away. Defeated by a refurbished phone with a dead battery. And a throw of remarkable precision. +

I spent the night in my car. And was rescued the next morning. I never found my phone. If any of you ever find it, lying triumphantly, beside a lonely jungle road in the heart of India, you'll know that my story is true.
ANTHE.