If you’ve been following my maddening monthlong quest to find a PlayStation 5 for my son, an update...

Fresh off getting smacked down by Target at 6:15 am, I diversified my tactics and redoubled my efforts.

To defeat a bot, one must think like a bot.

1/
So, I set up five web instances using three browsers across two devices.

And then I crouched like a tiger in the tall grass to watch Playstation Direct for their next release.

Crouching is bad for my knees but one must crouch before one can pounce. That’s, like, Tiger 101.

2/
And then it happened. Sony opened up the queue for the next wave of consoles for sales.

POUNCE, HOARSE; POUNCE!

And so I did. Hit that queue like a bongo.

In line five separate times.

3/
And then... it didn’t move.

In line one minute after it went live five times on different browsers and devices.

Over an hour wait time when it went live. Didn’t budge an inch before they sold out for the day.

4/
Undeterred by being repeatedly deterred, I went back at it the next day.

And then Sony teased me so hard, I may or may not have briefly wept.

I had just attacked the queue like a spider monkey.

In one window, up pops this message...

IT WAS MY TURN!

5/
But then the screen hung for a few seconds and took me to... this.

They would not be letting me in. There would be no turn.

It had been a glitch.

A part of my soul died on that screen, never again to know joy or love. Out, out, went my light.

6/
But then, a Christmas miracle happened.

A message was received and answered. An immeasurably kind offer was made and accepted. Arrangements were made.

And that’s how I found myself in a Barnes & Noble parking lot on a cold December night to receive a great kindness.

7/
And then I drove home with my white whale safely buckled into the passenger seat.

An angel got his wings that night.

Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!

8/
My son was the beneficiary of a great kindness. But more, I was.

I never feel more deeply indebted than when someone does something for my son.

There will be some paying it forward - but for now, there is just a deep thankfulness to a person who I hope is reading this.

9/
It’s a quiet Saturday morning. My son is in the other room, playing online with his friends.

Next to the TV sits the one thing he asked for on his birthday in a quarantine year.

From under the door, come the sounds of happy laughter.

Life is good today. Happy son, happy dad.

• • •

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More from @TheRealHoarse

12 Dec
I know there are a lot of folks out there hunting for PlayStation 5’s.

Having exited the battlefield, thought I’d share what I learned and a tool I built for the task.

Hope this helps.

1/
Step 1: Follow accounts who keep an eye on when and where consoles go on sale.

I followed a private list of about 15 accounts.

I have now made it public. You can subscribe to it here if interested.

twitter.com/i/lists/131674…

2/
Step 2: Follow some or all of those accounts directly and turn on “alerts” by clicking on that bell button.

You will get notifications whenever they post. That’s the only way to hear consoles have dropped somewhere fast enough.

3/
Read 11 tweets
11 Dec
Okay, I’m just going to blurt this out and then go look for a quart of ice cream and my ugly sweatpants:

The new Taylor Swift album is very, very good.

It’ll be lost on some. It’s a grower not a shower.

It is adult and aching and layered. It is a winter album.

1/
I’ve always had a thing for musicians’ divorce albums. They’re often raw - and perfect for that. They strip away the varnish to the bare wood.

Swift has written plenty of breakup songs. They’ve all lamented small deaths though. Crushes. Fleeting togethers.

2/
They grieve things that never were rather than things that were and then weren’t.

The track “Tolerate It”... Man, that one hurt. It’s like the diary entry of one of my divorced women friends in the year when it just came time.

3/
Read 4 tweets
3 Dec
The next chapter in my now comical quest to find a PlayStation 5 for my son...

Having now been shutout online and in person over and over, I’ve incrementally upped my game.

Followed a bunch of accounts that track restocks. Set alerts to get txts whenever they tweet.

1/
Also set up online shopping accounts at major resellers preconfigured for fast check out.

Downloaded all their apps.

And then I found an app that tracks actual store inventories. Not what their website says they have in inventory; what they actually have in the back room.

2/
I am now at CIA-level PS5 surveillance.

If a unit hits a shelf within the atomic blast radius of New York City, I know in minutes.

3/
Read 9 tweets
27 Nov
This is actually comical.

Get to Walmart at 3:45. Line grows to probably 100 deep (spaced way further apart than those folks up front).

At 4:59, as they’re opening the doors, an employee announces they have no Xbox’s or PS5s.

Huge groan erupts. 2/3 of the people walk away. 😂
Just a postscript on this rather than reply to a bunch of the same comments.

Might just be my area but this wasn’t your typical Black Friday scene.

- line well spaced out
- everyone in masks. 100% compliance.
- store was capacity controlled
- staff directing customer flow
I can count on one hand how many retailers I’ve been to in the last eight months.

This was more orderly and less crowded than a grocery store.

I’m in no hurry to shop retail for the holidays but this store, at least, was doing a good job.
Read 4 tweets
22 Nov
Six years ago today, a 12-year old boy was standing alone in a park.

Police pulled up and opened fire before their car had even stopped moving.

A child was shot and killed in literally two seconds.

1/
The two officers were responding to a dispatcher’s call about a “person with a gun.”

The original caller had said the person was “possibly a juvenile” and the gun was “probably fake”; the dispatcher didn’t pass that along.

Instead, the police just pulled up and opened fire.

2/
The 12-year old boy was indeed a juvenile and the gun was indeed “fake”.

It was a toy and it was tucked into his waistband.

He wasn’t holding it or brandishing it. He was just a kid with a toy gun tucked into his belt.

3/
Read 8 tweets
22 Nov
Oh my.

Michigan misses the field goal attempt in OT.

Rutgers with the ball and a chance to win.
Ooof. Rutgers misses the FG and it’s on to a second OT.
And a third OT.
Read 4 tweets

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