I’m off from work today, but my mind is still in the emergency room. Sitting across from loved ones in the consultation room beginning that difficult conversation, “What do you know about the condition of your loved one?” 1/8
As they gather their thoughts, I see the tears form in their eyes so I take a deep breath to offset my tears, because minutes earlier we were performing chest compressions on their loved one’s lifeless body. 2/8
“Are they dead?” they say, wiping the tears from their eyes.
I always describe the gravity of the situation before answering that question, “Their heart stopped so we had to perform CPR and put in a breathing tube. We tried everything, but we were unable to save their life” 3/8
I always describe the gravity of the situation before answering that question, “Their heart stopped so we had to perform CPR and put in a breathing tube. We tried everything, but we were unable to save their life” 3/8
I brace myself, because they always respond in a shrill cry,“Noooooo! It’s my fault. I should have brought them here sooner, when they were diagnosed with COVID.”
“It’s not your fault,” I reply, “this virus is unpredictable and has already killed over 300,000 Americans.” 4/8
“It’s not your fault,” I reply, “this virus is unpredictable and has already killed over 300,000 Americans.” 4/8
As I sit there, I’m reminded of every time I told a family member that their loved one has died. Repressed memories begin to bubble to the surface and I feel an immense pressure on my heart, squeezing tighter and tighter, as my eyes begin to swell with tears. 5/8
Even though I know BEFORE COVID, only 2% to 9% of patients who experienced out-of-hospital cardiac arrest survived to discharge, it still hurts that I cannot deliver better news. 6/8
So I sit there, through the sobbing and tears with that pressure on my chest squeezing tighter and tighter.
Before leaving the room, I always pat them on the shoulder as to absorb more of their grief, because I know I just broke their heart. 7/8
Before leaving the room, I always pat them on the shoulder as to absorb more of their grief, because I know I just broke their heart. 7/8
Sometimes it’s too much to immediately return back to treat patients, so I go outside to the ambulance bay & let the cool air dry my tears. Then I take a deep breath, walk into the ER and see the next patient, “Hi, I’m Dr. Gilman what brings you to the emergency room today?
/end
/end
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