you heard it here first
I'm actually thinking that Trump flying into Alamo, Texas will turn out to be the new Four Seasons Total Landscaping
Suit yourself, but you're gonna miss some boffo footage of him driving around Alamo, Texas looking for the Alamo

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More from @iowahawkblog

14 Jan
Is it just me, or was there some kind of top secret $1000 per head dinner confab at the French Laundry when a bunch of drunk TED Talkers suddenly decided all us lumpenproles need to be eating bugs out of troughs?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Really, and I'm not kidding, absolutely no one:

Bien pensants: ImageImageImageImage
Ever notice that people who claim to love humanity think of it as their own personal livestock herd
Read 5 tweets
13 Jan
And what's up with all that WD-40 and duct tape?
jfc, how does a regular human survive without several bags of zip-ties
I bet that everyone who writes for the New York Times has a tool box that only consists of a eyeglass screwdriver and 3 leftover Allen wrenches from IKEA
Read 5 tweets
13 Jan
Hey man if you don't like it you're always free to start your own country
unanimous first ballot inductee into the Maybe You Should Sit This One Out Hall Of Fame
just to be clear, I remain stalwart in my defense of Twitter's right to ban any user for any reason. Their house, their rules. But I do find it a tad rich when a company that employs an army of frog cartoon scrutinizers suddenly poses as modern day Voltaires defending free speech
Read 4 tweets
13 Jan
true story: I had a dream last night where I'm out in my yard and there's this big white swan or goose flying around in circles about 20 feet off the ground and then I notice on its back is a beaver, just smacking the bird with its tail like a jockey's whip.

the bird gets tired and stalls out, and then the whole swan/beaver contraption plummets to the ground. There's a big "oof" from the swan as it bellyflops onto the dirt, but it cushions the impact for the beaver like an air mattress, and beaver waddles away unhurt.
My main objective at this point is to crowdsource some dream analysis
Read 4 tweets
12 Jan
You hate to see it, and by that I of course mean CNN at the airport
keeping my fingers crossed it will be replaced with vintage 80s Skinemax
I have vague memories of CNN actually having reporters in safari jackets dodging sniper fire in exotic war zones, back before they went 24/7 Zoom meeting hot takes
Read 9 tweets
12 Jan
I firmly believe that every political movement in this country is now hell-bent on confirming the worst suspicions everyone has about them…
Left: Trump will do anything to overturn the election, including mobilizing angry mobs to invade the Capitol

Right: the left considers the First Amendment a piece of toilet paper and will flush it the minute they get in power
Read the goddamn linked New York Times thinkpiece, a parade of so-called academic legal "scholars" arguing that free speech is an outmoded concept in this unique modern age of icky people saying bad things
Read 4 tweets

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