Thread by @Realoilsheikh

How important is communication?

Do you realise that majority of the challenges we face today in our homes are due to poor communication or its absence totally?

It's a thread.

Let us take a quick look back to those days we were dating. When you were dating your partner, don't you spend so much time, energy and different styles to convey a particular message misunderstood by the partner? Why is it hard to do same now that you have become one?

Today, everyone you seek for counsel from, about failing relationship will tell you that "communication is key". But what kind of communication are we talking about? How should couples communicate?

While it has become fashionable to talk about “communication problems,” many couples influenced by the folklore of romantic love, or those that watch Zee TV, or some Love Dramas like the Ali Nuhu Series of Sangaya & so many others today believe that an innate

sensitivity should link them with their partner. It should just come naturally!🙄🤦🏻‍♂️

Others assume that being in a relationship affords them the privilege
of being less diligent in their efforts to communicate than they would
be in casual contacts.

Sometimes, people spend so much energy and time to clarify issues with their friends in the office when there is a misunderstanding than they'd do when it has to do with a misunderstanding with their wives. Communication solved that office problem, why won't it solve this too?

Another issue is, many middle-aged adults grew up in households in which marital intimacy between their parents was not
even a goal. They grew up and found Mummy and Daddy just living"any how". In some of these homes, deceptions and lies are almost institutionalized,

standard
operating procedures (SOPs) between the sexes. As a result of these & other factors, many husbands and wives, rather than sharing the
closeness of an intimate relationship, live in very separate emotional worlds. That kind of separation has a negative impact on how

everything in that house works. Couples who “never talk anymore” typically “never have sex any more” either 🤷. Their conversation is limited to necessary exchanges
about the running of a household, a joint social life, and family obligations; children school fees, PTA meetings,

visitation to sick parent, feeding money, shopping, and that is it! Why will there be happiness in such homes? How can friendship between those couples flow? How can can their sexual life be richer? Good sexual communication is rooted in good intimate communication!

Establish good verbal intimacy by talking to each other about your emotions, opinions, ideas, hopes, fears, and so on, then it will be easier for you both to talk about your sex life.

For Example: (curled)

Married 15 years, Habibi & Habibtiy have been “drifting apart” over the
past several years. Their sex life is not fulfilling for either one of them.
She frequently fakes orgasms and complains to her friends that he
doesn’t satisfy her in bed.

He would like to make love more often in
more varied positions and have more oral sex but he doesn’t tell her specifically what he wants. Each feels their needs are not met and
silently resents the other for not meeting them.

“He’s always saying he doesn’t ‘get enough,’” Habibtiy complains,
“whatever that means. I don’t get enough of anything. He isn’t affectionate and he never has time for me unless he wants sex. Most nights he falls asleep on the sofa watching television.

But when he’s ready for sex, he expects me to be ready too; and I’m not.”

“She’s always tired or busy,” Habibi complains.

“We never talk,” Habibtiy says.
“No, we don’t,” Habibi admits. “In the beginning of our relationship
we talked to each other about everything.

I called her from work to talk over things with her. We were very close. We told each other things we’d never confided in anyone else. Now I feel like she’s closer to her friends than she is to me. I’d like to talk to her about our sex
problems, but I’m afraid she’ll tell them

whatever I say."

“How am I supposed to tell him I want the sex to be different when he doesn’t know I’ve been faking?” Habibtiy asks. “After all these years, shouldn’t he know how to please me? I don’t understand why it’s up
to me to provide instructions.”

To improve their relationship, Habibi and Habibtiy must first reestablish
the intimate connection they once had. Then they have to discuss
some touchy issues. None of their problems are insurmountable. As
they talk more openly to each other, they should observe the 5 principles

of communications.

What are they?

Here are the 5 principles of communications:

1. Listen Empathically Principle;

When your spouse comes with an issue, listen effectively & be empathetic. In effective listening, we fully hear the speaker’s message, particularly the emotional component, & relay our

understanding of the message to the speaker
in such a way that he or she feels accepted and understood. It is easy to misread or overlook feelings. Many of us learned to
hide our feelings in childhood. By the time we are adults, most
of us have mastered the rituals of the

superficial exchange of
feelings, the harmless small talk that is expected in polite society.
Empathetic listening requires us to listen on a deeper level,
connect to the feelings of the speaker, & communicate the
connection.

2. The “I-message” principle: It means, when you're asking a question or
making a statement, take clear responsibility for every message
you send. Often “you” statements are “I” statements in disguise.
For example, when people say, “You make me mad,” they are
really saying,

“I am angry.” And sometimes questions are really
disguised accusations or traps. Ask legitimate rather than rhetorical & manipulative questions.

3. A direct communication principle. When you want change, clarification, reassurance, companionship, support, or something
else -

be direct. Don’t speak in generalities. And don’t expect
the listener to read your mind by correctly filling in the blanks.
Misunderstandings inevitably grow from unclear communication.

4. The principle of weak words and strong gestures. When our
words convey one message,

5. The principle of descriptive language. When behavior is described
rather than labeled, the outcome is likely to be more positive.
Too often in an effort to make sense of the world around us, we
categorize and label complex behaviors. Also we fail to take into
consideration

the fluctuation in human behavior. Rather than
saying, “You are selfish in bed,” for example, say, “I would like
you to spend more time arousing me orally and manually before
we have intercourse.”

These communication issues are very vital. Please let us learn and practice.