A good apology is one where you’ve paid attention to how what you did affected someone else, and you have reflected on it, and realised that you could only have acted that way, then, because of the ways you were limited at the time.
And that now you see clearly that there are different ways you could act, because of the person you can be now. You can imagine being in that situation now and responding in a different way, that takes their feelings and experience into account.
Asshole apology: I could have acted differently at the time, but I didn’t because it wasn’t important to me (I.e. you don’t matter to me)
Not-yet-ready apology: I want to have acted differently at the time, but even now I don’t see how I could have (I.e. the event hasn’t changed me, or I haven’t been able to fully understand it yet)
Emotionally fused apology: I want to have acted the way you want me to have acted, because if I don’t I’m worried you won’t love me anymore. (I.e. I only want to respond differently because you want me to, not because of who I want to be)
True apology: Given the person I was then, I could only have acted the way I acted. But the event, & your response to the event, has changed me, & I now know a different way to act, that I know I am capable of (I.e. you have metabolised the event & it is now a part of you).
This thread brought to you by me discovering apologies I am now able to make whose catalysing events are years old.
Maybe I’m slow, maybe this shit just takes time, idk 🤷♀️.
Maybe I’m slow, maybe this shit just takes time, idk 🤷♀️.
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