Thread by @autisticats

If you’re the parent, teacher, caregiver, friend, etc. to an autistic person, keep this in mind:

When you want us to do something, you have to be explicit about it.

If my parents want me to do something but don’t tell me the specifics, I have no idea what’s expected of me.

This usually creates misunderstandings related to chores and other household tasks.

If I don’t know what’s expected of me, there’s no way for me to do whatever is needed.

But often my parents seem to think it’s okay to leave things implied, because I “should” know what to do.

Here’s the problem with that:

Autistic people don’t make as many assumptions in social situations, and we often have trouble making inferences based on things people say.

We tend to take statements literally, so you can’t imply things & expect us to always pick up on them.

This issue has gotten more pronounced since I’ve turned 18 and my parents’ expectations about my level of independence have shifted.

They want me to “take initiative.”

But they’re often not specific enough about what I should take initiative on, versus what they’ll help with.

For example, today I had to go mail a package.

I avoid driving whenever possible because it’s overwhelming and anxiety provoking, so my mom agreed to drive me.

Without telling me, she had assumed that I would automatically go wipe the snow off the car for her first.

But I had no idea I was supposed to do that, and she told me 15 minutes before the time I had to get the package in the mail.

I wasn’t able to budget my time earlier in the morning to allow for scraping snow off the car, because I hadn’t known that it was a task on my list.

So it was both surprising and stressful when I was informed that I only had ~5 minutes to completely de-ice and de-snow the car.

I was frustrated because of this unexpected demand that put me in a time crunch.

She was frustrated that I hadn’t “taken initiative” earlier.

This is an example of cross-neurotype miscommunication.

My mom thought it was clear that the social expectation was that I would take responsibility for every aspect of the process except driving.

But I didn’t know that, because she never told me explicitly. It was implied.

She didn’t understand why I didn’t pick up on what she expected, and I didn’t understand why she would assume I knew something she never told me.

This is an extremely common dynamic between autistic people and those who expect things of us.

It’s not something we can control.

Autistic people have trouble making inferences. We don’t easily pick up on unspoken social expectations.

That is something that can’t be changed.

What can change is how you interact with us and accommodate us.

Please be clear and specific. It will make life much easier.