Thread by @aubrey_li

Accidental matchmaker Jin Zixuan who has great intentions but very poor instincts for what makes for a successful couple, a threadfic: let's go.

It all starts when JZX gets married, and becomes one of those people who's so happily married that he wants to set up all his single friends so that they too, can enjoy marital bliss. And oh look, his perfect angel goddess wife also has single brothers! What luck!

So he thinks, in all his straight male wisdom, wouldn't it be great if he could set up A-Li's brothers? They'd be happily paired off, A-Li would be happy, JZX would get PRAISE -- win-win situation for everyone!

WWX is the easier one to match up; he's obviously straight, and now that he's not actively trying to make JZX pray for death, is actually pretty outgoing, clever, and fun. JZX's friend Mianmian, who is also outgoing, clever, and fun, would be perfect for him!

JC is harder to match up because his personality is. Well, let's just say that if WWX were a friendly, affectionate cat, JC would be a steel-reinforced concrete wall.

But JZX believes in the power of love! JC just needs someone who won't be scared off by his... everything.

Someone who also has softness beneath a frosty, unforgiving exterior. Someone who's a man, because JZX is pretty sure that JC is gay, since he's shown no interest in any woman ever.

Which is great, because JZX's friend LWJ is also gay! JZX has a good feeling about this matchup.

The premise for both pairings is the same: JZX gives each pairing a 4-use gift certificate to an Escape Room (he knows from work team-building exercises that a combination of conflict and collaboration is great for developing rapport between people and he's hoping for Sparks).

The WWX-Mianmian date goes well. They don't have a lot of romantic chemistry (it's ok, JZX knows that Love At First Sight is only reserved for those blessed by the gods of love, like him and A-Li), but they got along and had fun.

The JC-LWJ date ends with only some bloodshed.

The problem, JZX hears, from JYL, is that LWJ is the most boring man on earth. In fact, if JC were forced to choose between dating LWJ again and getting a root canal, he'd consider the fact that the root canal at least has long-term health benefits.

(Some context: the Jiangs and Lans don't know each other, except through NHS, who knows everyone.

JC considered dating after seeing how happy JYL was, and thought that maybe not all marriages end up in conflict and anger?

LXC talked LWJ into the date. No one knows how.)

WWX and Mianmian go through their 4 escape room dates and are delighted to have made a new friend, but Mianmian privately tells JZX that she doesn't see their relationship progressing beyond that.

JC goes on his second date with LWJ (look, he knows, okay, but what's he gonna do, NOT use the free thing? That's un-Asian) and tells WWX that if he ever had to be in a real life escape room situation with LWJ, only one of them would be making it out alive.

After hearing JC rant on and on about how LWJ is simultaneously incredibly boring but also the rudest, most petty, argumentative, stubborn, and aggravating man on earth (WWX's like, "ahhh the problem is that they're TOO similar, got it"), WWX makes JC an offer.

On his next scheduled date with LWJ, they'll lie that something came up, and WWX will go in JC's place.

JC: No brother, I can't let you sacrifice for me like this!

WWX: oh come on, how bad can he be?

JC: YOU'RE ONLY SAYING THIS BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T MET HIM YET

Eventually, they come to an agreement. WWX will go on the date, with JC on standby at home. If WWX texts a code word (the word is "muffin"), JC will immediately call/ run to the restaurant with a fake family emergency.

Date night comes and goes. WWX doesn't text "muffin."

In fact, WWX doesn't text at all, except right at the start of the date, when he texted "WTF WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME HE WAS HOT"

By the end of the night, JC is starting to get worried. What if LWJ killed him? JYL said LWJ is JZX's friend, but how well do we know our friends?

JC thinks back to the time he spent with LWJ and is like, yeah he can see LWJ murdering WWX and disposing of his body and getting away with it because no one would suspect him of crime. Heck, some days JC wants to murder WWX too, and JC loves WWX!

So after several (dozen) unread texts to WWX, JC starts texting/calling LWJ instead:

"LWJ IF YOU'VE DONE ANYTHING TO WWX THERE WILL BE BLOOD"

"LWJ WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO WWX"

"LWJ I KNOW YOU! I SEE YOU! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT"

"LWJ I SWEAR I WILL *TEXT YOUR BROTHER*"

Finally LWJ calls JC back. "Yes?" he says, in his dull, emotionless voice that could 100% belong to a serial killer.

And JC is just starting to launch into his I Will Murder You With the Shovel That You Used to Bury My Brother's Body, when he hears WWX's voice in the background.

In the most revolting voice JC has ever heard, WWX says, "Lan Zhaaaaaaan, come back to bed. I'm getting lonely!"

LWJ: you were saying?

JC: forget it. KEEP HIM. *hangs up*

Anyway, Wangxian get together and make JC wish daily that he'd been born without eyes. Or ears. JZX decides that 50% success is still a pass, so overall he did well! One day, WWX introduces JC to his friend WQ, and THEN there are Sparks.

JZX: wait, he's STRAIGHT?!

-THE END-