Thread by @shreyas

Listening well is a rare superpower.

I had been a bad listener most of my life.

Then I fixed that a few years ago.

The result?

Night & day difference in my critical thinking & leadership ability.

A thread on learning the art of listening v2.0

(with lessons from movies)

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First, why is listening hard?

It’s because we tend to have:

1) an inability to be present

2) the fear of being wrong

3) a desire for validation

4) a feeling of superiority

5) a lack of curiosity

6) the urge to impress

A couple of gems from Dee Hock:

"Communication would be vastly improved if everyone who wrote and spoke were content to be understood without needing to be admired."

"To speak is craft; to listen is art."

As a young child, I was an excellent listener.

Then, somewhere in my teens & early adulthood, I let my listening ability wane.

So I had to relearn the art of listening.

Here's something I didn't realize:

Learning to listen is fun.

It's more play than work.

Don't believe me?

We are going to start by watching a couple of movie clips.

After all, we often learn best through examples.

We will look at an example of good listening & an example of bad listening.

For an example of *bad* listening, let’s learn from this epic scene from The Darkest Hour (2017).

The setup: World War II. There are disagreements among British leadership about whether they should pursue peace talks with Germany or an all out war.

Go on, watch the scene.

Really, watch the scene before proceeding.

So, what can we learn from this scene about listening?

The superficial lesson is not to interrupt others.

But the deeper lesson is that most of us are like Churchill w.r.t. listening.

How so?

While we may not interrupt vocally, *we are interrupting others with our thoughts*.

Think about it for a moment.

Our tendency to constantly have our thoughts swirling in our head when someone is speaking is not too different from us interrupting them.

*They* don’t know it, but we certainly do. And isn’t that what matters more?

For an example of *good* listening, let’s watch this scene from Wonder Woman (2017).

The setup: Diana (who will go on to become Wonder Woman) has been protected by her mother, Hippolyta. Hippolyta’s sister secretly trains Diana on the art of combat, to Hippolyta’s chagrin.

Again, watch the scene before moving on.

Did you notice the supreme listening skills that Hippolyta demonstrated there?

Hippolyta started off upset at the disrespect shown by her own sister (Antiope) & her daughter. But, she pays attention to what Antiope has to say. She sincerely considers Antiope’s arguments, reflects for a moment, and gives Antiope the mandate to continue training Diana.

What’s more, once Hippolyta is convinced on a point of view that was opposed to hers, she clarifies her own revised vision for how hard Diana should be trained.

She commits and clearly lets her commitment known.

What a great communicator!

When it comes to listening, many of us are a lot more like Churchill than like Hippolyta. I certainly was.

And even if you are a good listener today, remember that listening is a lot like golf or public speaking.

No matter how good you are, you can always get better.

So where do we go from here?

I’ll leave you with what’s worked for me in my journey towards becoming a better listener.

To be a better listener:

1) practice being present

and

2) establish a listening pattern for important conversations. do this repeatedly and it will become a reflex

How can we be more present?
For me, meditation was key.

I started with the Body Scan guided meditation here:
penguinrandomhouse.com/mindfulness-me…

With practice, I can now meditate for long durations regardless of time & place, so I haven't tried other popular techniques.

Do whatever works.

But what if meditation doesn’t work for you yet?

Here’s an insight:

Great listening is all about observation.

So no problem if meditation doesn’t work.

Train yourself to observe the details of things.

Particularly observe things in nature.

For instance, I like observing the fine details of this gazanea flower in my backyard.

Everything in nature is stunningly intricate & beautiful, when we *really* observe.

Take a flower, a leaf, the bark of a tree, a crawling ant.

And just intensely observe it.

5 seconds? Great.

10 seconds? Even better.

Do this often enough and you will be able to immerse yourself for several minutes observing the most seemingly simple thing in nature, like the petal of a flower.

And guess what.

By doing that, you’ve also trained yourself to pay more attention to what someone is saying.

So that's about being present, being more observant.

Next, we need to establish a good listening pattern.

There isn’t just one right pattern, but I’ll share mine so you have something concrete to work from.

Here’s my listening pattern, step-by-step:

1) tell yourself that you are open minded (at the beginning of the conversation)

2) try to pay intense attention to the space between the words that are uttered (this is a critical step because it's very effective & not obvious)

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3) don’t try to interpret anything beyond what is said (when you listen carefully, the interpretation just happens without effort)

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4) once they are done talking, take a few seconds or minutes to collect your thoughts (I usually just ask “may I take a minute to reflect on what you’ve said?”)

5) get comfortable with the silence that ensues

6) start your response by summarizing what you heard

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7) focus on the most salient point you want to make

8) when you’re done, ask “what do you think?” or “do tell me if I am wrong” or similar (remember, your tone & the surrounding context matters)

9) and listen again

So, once again:

To be a better listener
1) practice being present
2) establish your listening pattern, with intent

As with many things in life that truly matter, this is simple, but not easy.

Once you develop the skill of listening well, here’s the main thing I hope you’ll notice: Everything is easier.

Arguments are easier to resolve.

Decisions, easier to make.

Relationships, easier to build.

People, easier to influence.

Peace of mind, easier to maintain.

It’s time for me to take your leave.

I hope this thread is helpful in your journey as a listener.

Please share any and all feedback.

I’ll be listening.

❤️

Back to the top of this thread:

https://twitter.com/shreyas/status/1358083885830078464

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