It's kinda weird how much harder it feels to speak English than it does to read it. For writing, sentences spontaneously compose themselves in my head, just waiting to be written out.
For speaking, it's often as if I have to forcibly hammer my meaning to the kinds of words that would convey the message, and even then it feels like half the nuance I'm trying to convey is lost and I'm super-aware of everything that I feel like I'm mispronouncing.
It's not just a general "I find writing easier than speaking" thing either, since it's accompanied by a yearning to just be able to switch to Finnish where my intended meanings are much more likely to naturally fall into the kinds of shapes that mostly convey my intent.
(And then if I switch to writing Finnish, it's frustrating how even more easy and expressive _that_ still feels than writing in English. Not that I'd mind the ease, but I would like to have a similar sense of fluency with written English too, after producing it for so long.)
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We tend to think of a "cult leader" as someone who *intentionally* sets out to create a cult. But most cult-like things probably *don't* form like that.
A lot of people feel a strong innate *desire* to be in a cult. Michael suggests it's rooted in an infant's need to attach to a caregiver, and to treat them as a fully dependable authority to fix all problems - a desire which doesn't necessarily ever go fully away.
Once someone becomes a teacher of some sort, even if they had absolutely no desire to create a cult, they will regardless attract people who *want* to be their cultists.
Every now and then I look at my Google Drive and find documents that I started writing and of which I have no clue what they're about.
Like this one. Okay? Well, did you? Or did something happen before? What was it? And why is this titled "people details"? I'll never know.
Okay...? In light of what? Where's this going?
I *think* this one was sketching out some Dwarf Fortress -style game that was to simulate individual people who acquired habits by reinforcement learning. Didn't get very far, though.
Says something about me that I'm going through a list of *legal policies* all nerding out, like "okay, hmm, that's good, that's good, that's not so great, okay cool, can I change that one maybe we'll see, hmm..."
I promised to uphold national values instead of enacting democratic reforms but a lot of these policies sound kinda democratic to me, where's my real ultimate supreme power, I can even be impeached :| oh well, this will do (until I can change it maybe)
on the other hand the president has no term limits so that's good
Oof. I was today years old when I realized that _none of the people who ever hurt me did it because there was anything fundamentally wrong with me_.
I don't mean that as in "realized intellectually", I mean as in "realized emotionally so that in any shame-tinged memory that I can think of, the other person decomposes to their inner pain and what they did to me in reaction to that pain and it's obviously not really about me".
So I was doing a lot of meditation / parts work today and came to an early experience where I thought dad didn't care about how he made me feel, and then that got juxtaposed with later memories of how he obviously did care and OH at that moment he just didn't realize how I felt.
Just realized that me always having had a hard time picking a favorite movie/book/whatever has been an instance of being out of contact with my body/felt senses.
In retrospect it's kind of obvious: my thought was usually "things are good on so many different dimensions, how could I possibly ever rank them?" Like this novel might have good world-building but the other one has better characterization so how can I tell which one is better.
Which I now recognize as an instance of the classic "I don't trust/have access to an intuitive judgment of this, so I want some explicit algorithm that lets me make a rational decision" source of paralysis.