Says something about me that I'm going through a list of *legal policies* all nerding out, like "okay, hmm, that's good, that's good, that's not so great, okay cool, can I change that one maybe we'll see, hmm..."
I promised to uphold national values instead of enacting democratic reforms but a lot of these policies sound kinda democratic to me, where's my real ultimate supreme power, I can even be impeached :| oh well, this will do (until I can change it maybe)
on the other hand the president has no term limits so that's good
btw I didn't take a screenshot but I'm not used to a game having a faux history this familiar, before I became president the country had a civil war in 1928 and I could choose to either join the nationalists or the socialists
hmm that reminds me of something
Okay how's our economy doing
Terrible apparently
Our military was doing okay, but our social security is also doing terribly.
Gotta fix that. I may want to be a dictator in all but name, but that's just so that I can help our people.
Made a deal with a guy who controls most of the media in this country. We agree not to interfere in his company's business, and he also gets one unspecified favor in the future, and in return they suppress bad stories about me.
Kind of unnerving not to know what he'll ask of me in the future, but can't get anything done if I'm not willing to form any alliances. I already turned down one outright bribe from another businessman so I have *some* moral high ground here.
I love it how this game has multiple different newspapers that each cover things with their own slant and bias.
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Fun fact: several years ago I decided I'd take a break from all the "save-the-world", high-impact stuff for a few years at least and focus on myself. But then I couldn't figure out what to do for a living and a save-the-world organization was willing to give me money. Oops.
(Also I did get genuinely excited about this project for a while.)
Additionally had some *very* exhausting stuff going on in my personal life for the last couple of years, so that decision to take a break and rest... yeah no, didn't happen. Sigh.
Oof. I was today years old when I realized that _none of the people who ever hurt me did it because there was anything fundamentally wrong with me_.
I don't mean that as in "realized intellectually", I mean as in "realized emotionally so that in any shame-tinged memory that I can think of, the other person decomposes to their inner pain and what they did to me in reaction to that pain and it's obviously not really about me".
So I was doing a lot of meditation / parts work today and came to an early experience where I thought dad didn't care about how he made me feel, and then that got juxtaposed with later memories of how he obviously did care and OH at that moment he just didn't realize how I felt.
Just realized that me always having had a hard time picking a favorite movie/book/whatever has been an instance of being out of contact with my body/felt senses.
In retrospect it's kind of obvious: my thought was usually "things are good on so many different dimensions, how could I possibly ever rank them?" Like this novel might have good world-building but the other one has better characterization so how can I tell which one is better.
Which I now recognize as an instance of the classic "I don't trust/have access to an intuitive judgment of this, so I want some explicit algorithm that lets me make a rational decision" source of paralysis.
@nickcammarata Thank you making the possibility of that state this explicit. Now I'm motivated to get there as well.
@nickcammarata Initial stab at this: what's my first reaction if I imagine myself in such a state?
Parts start piping up with objections. Saying "you don't deserve that", "what would [person] think", etc. So one of the steps: get familiar with & address those objections.
@nickcammarata Another issue: what would it feel like in practice? This is often one of my problems directing metta at myself: who/where is the "me" I should orient it at?
But could work at it from other direction. "You don't deserve it" also implies a me. How does _that_ feeling manifest?
Some emotion/trauma stuff claims that things like blocked emotions manifest as muscle tension, so that you are subconsciously tensing particular muscles in order to block yourself from feeling something or doing a particular thing. Now why would this be necessary?
Ideomotor theory proposes that the mental representation of an action causes the action to happen. For example, as I consciously think about writing the rest of this sentence, the thought of carrying out that action is translated to a set of motor commands to do so.
But what if my sentence is bad? Suppose that the thought occurs to me to say something offensive that will get me in trouble. One part of my brain generates this thought, a second part notices this would have a bad consequence. What can the second part do?
I generally like how I feel after I've done metta (loving-kindness meditation) "right", but I find I often have self-centered motives sneak into it that make it hard.
E.g. if I'm sending metta to a friend, I might hope that they are happy because I like it when people around me are happy. "Be happy, because that will be nicer for me!"
Also, just imagining someone happy makes me feel safe and then my focus starts alternating between the feeling of safety and the loving-kindness. The safety feels more appealing, but doesn't translate to longer-term satisfaction the way that focusing on loving-kindness does.