Every now and then I look at my Google Drive and find documents that I started writing and of which I have no clue what they're about.
Like this one. Okay? Well, did you? Or did something happen before? What was it? And why is this titled "people details"? I'll never know.
Okay...? In light of what? Where's this going?
I *think* this one was sketching out some Dwarf Fortress -style game that was to simulate individual people who acquired habits by reinforcement learning. Didn't get very far, though.
This also looks like some game design.
This at least makes sense as the beginning of some story, and seems kinda cool, though is in need of editing. As well as writing the rest of the story. I don't have a clue of what was going to happen next, and probably the problem is that past-Kaj didn't have, either.
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Says something about me that I'm going through a list of *legal policies* all nerding out, like "okay, hmm, that's good, that's good, that's not so great, okay cool, can I change that one maybe we'll see, hmm..."
I promised to uphold national values instead of enacting democratic reforms but a lot of these policies sound kinda democratic to me, where's my real ultimate supreme power, I can even be impeached :| oh well, this will do (until I can change it maybe)
on the other hand the president has no term limits so that's good
Oof. I was today years old when I realized that _none of the people who ever hurt me did it because there was anything fundamentally wrong with me_.
I don't mean that as in "realized intellectually", I mean as in "realized emotionally so that in any shame-tinged memory that I can think of, the other person decomposes to their inner pain and what they did to me in reaction to that pain and it's obviously not really about me".
So I was doing a lot of meditation / parts work today and came to an early experience where I thought dad didn't care about how he made me feel, and then that got juxtaposed with later memories of how he obviously did care and OH at that moment he just didn't realize how I felt.
Just realized that me always having had a hard time picking a favorite movie/book/whatever has been an instance of being out of contact with my body/felt senses.
In retrospect it's kind of obvious: my thought was usually "things are good on so many different dimensions, how could I possibly ever rank them?" Like this novel might have good world-building but the other one has better characterization so how can I tell which one is better.
Which I now recognize as an instance of the classic "I don't trust/have access to an intuitive judgment of this, so I want some explicit algorithm that lets me make a rational decision" source of paralysis.
@nickcammarata Thank you making the possibility of that state this explicit. Now I'm motivated to get there as well.
@nickcammarata Initial stab at this: what's my first reaction if I imagine myself in such a state?
Parts start piping up with objections. Saying "you don't deserve that", "what would [person] think", etc. So one of the steps: get familiar with & address those objections.
@nickcammarata Another issue: what would it feel like in practice? This is often one of my problems directing metta at myself: who/where is the "me" I should orient it at?
But could work at it from other direction. "You don't deserve it" also implies a me. How does _that_ feeling manifest?
Some emotion/trauma stuff claims that things like blocked emotions manifest as muscle tension, so that you are subconsciously tensing particular muscles in order to block yourself from feeling something or doing a particular thing. Now why would this be necessary?
Ideomotor theory proposes that the mental representation of an action causes the action to happen. For example, as I consciously think about writing the rest of this sentence, the thought of carrying out that action is translated to a set of motor commands to do so.
But what if my sentence is bad? Suppose that the thought occurs to me to say something offensive that will get me in trouble. One part of my brain generates this thought, a second part notices this would have a bad consequence. What can the second part do?