Thread by @PulpLibrarian

Now many readers have asked me over the years "how do I (with my great hair) go about fleeing a gothic house?"

That's a very good question, because it's not as easy as it seems...

There are of course many gothic domiciles that women with great hair can flee from:
- a house
- a mansion
- a castle
- a chateau

More adventurous gothic heroines can also choose to flee:
- a manor
- a keep
- a graveyard
- some dark foggy towers

As gothic houses come in all shapes and sizes you may come across the following things which require fleeing:
- Strangers (call a taxi)
- Tombs (walk to the nearest exit)
- Hell (fleeing recommended)
- Darkest Death (head start required)

There are some items that are a clear giveaway that you are in, or near, a gothic house that requires fleeing. Look around you and see if you can spot:
- sarcophagi
- crucibles (unless in a chemistry lab)
- anemones
- any form of ides

Given the above you may want to work up gradually to fleeing a gothic house. Try fleeing the following first to build up your skills:
- clouds
- plants
- insects
- unexpected wine stains

If gothic houses aren't your thing you can always flee (with great hair) a range of animals instead:
- crows
- cats
- an elephant
- 400 rabbits

Gothic house fleeing is a worldwide hobby so feel free to run away from any abodes you find in the following locations:
- München
- Venetzia
- Hawai'i
- Canada

Despite what you may think it doesn't matter what you wear to flee a gothic house; what matters is how you wear it:
- is your hair wind-blown enough?
- is your dress billowing correctly?
- do you look sufficiently haunted?
- did you leave one light on before you fled?

Finally please remember the following before you flee your gothic house:
- dress lightly
- avoid disturbing the neighbours
- don't stop to chat
- remember to write and say 'thank you' to the host afterwards

Congratulations! You're now ready to flee your first gothic house. Don't forget to play some Kate Bush first to get you in the mood!

More pulp advice another time...