So a CERTAIN CANINE REPROBATE who has impeccable eyeliner and absolutely no shame whatsoever dug a hole under the fence and escaped into the woods. After fruitless callin, we got in the truck to go to the next street over, where Hound has meandered in the past.
While Kevin was having a deeply Southern conversation with the neighbor who’s driveway we wound up in, @LizardbethArt texts that Hound is on the front porch, sans collar, going “HI HOUND IS BEAUTIFUL AND WISHES TO BE INSIDE NOW”
Hound’s adventure included a mud puddle. She has now had a bath. Her look of horrified betrayal would put Cleopatra’s wrath at Marc Antony to shame.
She never wants to run AWAY, she just wants to run TO an interesting smell. Just when your nose is that sensitive, the interesting smell could be in the next county.

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More from @UrsulaV

22 Feb
So Shep and I have to go into The Big City for errands (aka Apex) or rather I have to go and Shep came because I promised them free food. Errands concluded, we go to Noodles & Company.

It is empty.
The lights are on. The computers are on. The drinks machine hums with ice. But there are no humans. It is empty.

We wait, but no one comes to take our order.

All is silent.
Has the noodle Rapture occurred? Were the employees taken and we were judged unworthy?

“hello...?” I call, at a volume low enough that I don’t feel I am imposing, and thus, no one can possibly hear it.
Read 17 tweets
22 Jan
Because these are much too good to never see the light of day, I present A Series Of Sidebar Conversations With My Editor @KBSpangler
We have some slight disagreements about punctuation.
Sometimes I name the ellipses so that she can't kill them.
Read 15 tweets
4 Jan
My dad honored a bet with me once when I was about eight.

Okay, this may take a minute.
My first stepfather was a piece of work, in that sneaky way some men have of ferreting out weakness, and he enjoyed telling me I was wrong. Which, I mean, I was a kid, obviously I was wrong A LOT. No question! But if I was right, which did happen occasionally, it didn’t matter.
Now, it may come as a shock to you, dear reader, but I am a trifle argumentative by nature. I would fight my corner every time. But my mom hated conflict and would tell me to drop it, which meant he got in the habit of starting crap just so that she’d tell me to drop it.
Read 11 tweets
3 Jan
I would just like to point out that some of us here on love beans for good and wholesome reasons that do not involve making small children miserable.
Embrace the wonders of the heirloom bean! It is a good and noble plant and while it does come in its own little packaging, you will not require a can opener!
Read 6 tweets
2 Jan
Bathroom sink is draining slow, but has one of those unremovable stoppers. I have purchased something called a Drain Weasel and I’m going in. Image
Okay. No pics. Just imagine chunks of solidified dark chocolate pudding threaded with hair, being slowly coaxed up by a giant pipe cleaner.
Read 6 tweets
2 Jan
I ran into two friendly acquaintances while we were out and told them I hoped 2021 would be better. One told me how she was just diagnosed with severe arthritis in her spine (!!) and the other told us about her brother-in-law’s murder in September (!!!!)
So, uh, y’know, actually my 2020 was fantastic, I don’t know what I was whining about.
But they were both wearing masks and the nice lady who used to work in the garden center begged us to be careful because you know, a lot of people believe COVID isn’t real, but they’re so wrong.

We reassured her that we believed in the COVID.
Read 10 tweets

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