Thread by @QuinnyPig

"Join now to watch the Microsoft Ignite keynote!"

There we go. And as an apology for the trouble, @Microsoft has disabled the social profile nonsense.

What kind of crapass "cloud" conference is this?! They've got pre-keynote streams so you feel engaged and involved, they bother to *mention* the virtual sponsor expo hall so customers know it's there...

MS has so much to learn from AWS's approach to half-assing things.

And now @satyanadella starts his keynote talking about "these unprecedented times."

Okay, what easter eggs are lurking on his shelf?

I spy... an old VR headset, a cloud stress toy, and the ball that @Azure dropped with capacity at the start of the pandemic. Your turn!

"Large scale multi-modal models" is a hell of a tongue twister.

"No one wants to use technology from a provider that sells to them on one end and competes with them on the other."

I get what he's saying, but the world is a complicated place.

Branding their offering as "The Microsoft Cloud."

Talking about a mixed-reality platform. "So you can collaborate with no screens between you." I can't *wait* for my shitheel boss to invade my personal space digitally!

Everyone's wearing glasses that make Google's Glasshole look stylish in this video. That's sad.

Now being told what a dream says about the dreamer by Microsoft Shingy.

The whale tells me they're acquiring Docker.

This has strong "late 90s multimedia" vibes.

"Expressing your emotions with holograms." This is a Microsoft-branded dystopia.

"Invite your coworkers into your home" means you want to be very, very clear that you don't work with vampires.

"Imagine a mesh-enabled @MicrosoftTeams where--HEY GET BACK HERE I'M NOT DONE SPEAKING!"

"Microsoft Mesh: From the sea floor to the pelvic floor."

Using examples of AI wins. Toyota, where he talks about exactly what they do. Lockheed Martin where he pointedly does NOT and moves on very, very quickly. "What's the problem, we don't make landmines anymore!"

Microsoft Shingy is now getting carried away with his model train set.

"You can hang out with your friends *ANYWHERE*" so apparently they pick a building with a Microsoft logo on it.

"To demonstrate this transformational communications technology, we're having guest speaker @johnhanke who sounds like he's yelling in a conference room over a speakerphone that's under a foot of water."

"Version 2 is planning to offer limbs."

A Pokemon Go demo.

No comment yet as to how a population that refuses to wear a mask is going to be persuaded to strap four pounds of VR gear to their heads.

The best part of VR is how the more obnoxious reactji obscure what you're trying to see.

Special guest James Cameron to talk about his trip to Challenger Deep. "We were seven miles underwater and it was still more comfortable than this bullshit you've strapped to my head."

Sure is an awful lot of "leveraging the power of human connections" delivered in a corporate tone that makes it clear that "friendship" is a hard thing for some of these folks.

Now Microsoft is demonstrating its ability to set money on fire on videos that remarkably few people resonate with, while Billie the Platypus ponders what he could do with a tenth as much.

Friendship lesson #1: When your colleagues tell you you should dance for a corporate video, they are NOT your friends.

"We started off on a high note with the opening keynote" because it's 9:30 in the morning and watching that Burning Lad nonsense gave me a contact high.

And this concludes this thread because I need to sober up.