Thread by @crabcrawler1

THREAD: If I Ran the Zoo

By Dr. Seuss

""It's a pretty good zoo," said young Gerald McGrew, "and the fellow who runs it seems proud of it, too." "

""But if I ran the zoo," said young Gerald McGrew, "I'd make a few changes. That's just what I'd do..."

^"The lions and tigers and that kind of stuff they have up here now are not quite good enough. You see things like these in just any old zoo. They're awfully old-fashioned. I want something new!"

"So I'd open each cage. I'd unlock every pen, let the animals go, and start over again. And, somehow or other, I think I could some beasts of a much more un-usual kind."

"A four-footed lion's not much of a beast. The one in my zoo will have ten feet, at least! Five legs on the left and five more on the right."

^ "Then people will stare and they'll say, "what a sight! This Zoo Keeper, New Keeper Gerald's quite keen. That's the gol-darndest lion I ever have seen!""

"My New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, will make people talk. My New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, will make people gawk at the strangest odd creatures that ever did walk."

^"I'll get, for my zoo, a new sort-of-a-hen who roosts in another hen's topknot, and then another one roosts in the topknot of his, and another in his, and another in HIS, and so forth and upward and onward, gee whizz!"

"But that's just a start. I'll do better than that. They'll see me next day, in my zoo-keeper's hat, coming into my zoo with an Elephant-Cat!"

^"They'll be so surprised they'll all swallow their gum. They'll ask, when they see my strange animals come, "where do you suppose he gets things like that from? His animals all have such very odd faces. I'll bet he must hunt them in rather odd places!""

"And that's what I'll do, said young Gerald McGrew. If you want to catch beasts you don't see every day, you have to go places quite out-of-the-way. You have to go places no others can get to. You have to get cold and you have to get wet, too."

^"Up past the North Pole, where the frozen winds squeal, I'll go and I'll hunt in my Skeegle-mobile and bring back a family of what-do-you-know! And that's how my New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, will grow."

"I'll hunt in the mountains of Zomba-ma-Tant with helpers who all wear their eyes at a slant, and capture a fine fluffy bird called the Bustard who only eats custard with sauce made of mustard."

^ "And, also, a very fine beast called the Flustard who only eats mustard with sauce made of custard."

"I'll catch 'em in caves and I'll catch 'em in brooks, I'll catch 'em in crannies, I'll catch 'em in nooks that you don't read about in geography books."

^ "I'll catch 'em in countries that no one can spell like the country of Motta-fa-Potta-fa-Pell. In a country like that, if a hunter is clever, he'll hunt up some beasts that you never saw ever!"

"I'll load up five boats with a family of Joats whose feet are like cows', but wear squirrel-skin coats and sit down like dogs, but have voices like goats -- excepting they can't sing the very high notes."

"And then I'll go down to the Wilds of Nantucket and capture a family of Lunks in a bucket."

^"Then people will say, "Now I like that boy heaps. His New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, is growing by leaps. He captures them wild and he captures them meek. He captures them slim and he captures them sleek. What do you suppose he will capture next week?""

"I'll capture one tiny. I'll capture one cute. I'll capture a deer that no hunter would shoot. A deer that's so nice he could sleep in your bed if it weren't for those horns that he has on his head."

"And speaking of horns that are just a bit queer, I'll bring back a very odd family of deer: a father, a mother, two sister, a brother whose horns are connected, from one to the other, whose horns are so mixed they can't tell them apart, can't tell where they end and..."

^ "...can't tell where they start! Each deer's mighty puzzled. He's never yet found if his horns are hers, or the other way 'round."

"I'll capture them fat and I'll capture them scrawny. I'll capture a scraggle-foot Mulligatawny, a high-stepping animal fast as the wind from the blistering sands of the Desert of Zind."

^"This beast is the beast that the brave chieftains ride when they want to go fast to find some place to hide. A Mulligatawny is fine for my zoo and so is a chieftain. I'll bring one back, too."

"In the Far Western part of south-east North Dakota lives a very fine animal called the Iota. But I'll capture one who is even much finer in the north-eastern west part of South Carolina."

^ "When people see him, they will say, "Now, by thunder! This New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, is really a wonder!"

"Most beasts are quite friendly, but still, in some lands some beasts are too dangerous to catch with bare hands. For those that are ugly and vicious and mean I'll build a Bad-Animal-Catching-Machine."

^"It's rather expensive to build such a kit, but with it a hunter can never get bit."

"A zoo should have bugs, so I'll capture a Thwerll whose legs are snarled up in a terrible snerl."

"And then I'll go out and I'll capture some Chuggs, some keen-shooter, mean-shooter, bean-shooter bugs."

"I'll go to the African island of Yerka and bring back a tizzle-topped Tufted Mazurka, a kind of canary with quite a tall throat."

^"His neck is so long, if he swallows an oat for breakfast the first day of April, they say it has to go down such a long way that it gets to his stomach the fifteenth of May."

"I'll bag a big bug who is very surprising, a feller who has a propeller for rising and zooming around making cross-country hops, from Texas to Boston with only two stops. Now that sort of thing for a bug is just tops!"

"And when I've caught him, then the next thing you know I'll go and I'll capture a wild Tick-Tack-Toe, with X's that win and with Zeros that lose. He'll look mighty good in this Zoo of McGrew's."

"I'll bring back a Gusset, a Gherkin, a Gasket and also a Gootch from the wilds of Nantasket. And eight Persian Princes will carry the basket, but what their names are, I don't know. So don't ask it."

"In a cave in Kartoom lives a beast called the Natch that no other hunter's been able to catch. He's hidden for years in his cave with a pout and no one's been able to make him come out. But I'll coax him out with a wonderful meal that's cooked by my cooks in my cooker-mobile."

^"They'll fix up a dish that is just to his taste; three chicken croquettes made of library paste, then sprinkled with peanut shucks, pickled and spiced, then baked at 600 degrees and then iced."

^^ "It's mighty hard cooking to cook up such feasts but that's how the New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, gets beasts."

"I'll go to the far-away Mountains of Tobsk near the River of Nobsk, and I'll bring back an Obsk, a sort of a kind of a Thing-a-ma-Bobsk who only eats rhubarb and corn-on-the-cobsk. Then people will flock to my zoo in a mobsk."

^ ""McGrew," they will say, "does a wonderful jobsk! He hunts with such vim and he hunts with such vigor, his New Zoo, McGrew Zoo, gets bigger and bigger!"

"And, speaking of birds, there's the Russian Palooski, whose headski is redski and belly is blueski. I'll get one of them for my Zooski McGrewski."

"Then the whole town will gasp, "why, this boy never sleeps! No keeper before ever kept what he keeps! There's no telling WHAT that young fellow will do!" And then, just to show them, I'll sail to Ka-Troo..."

^
"And
Bring
Back
an It-Kutch a Nerkle
a Preep a Nerd
and a Proo and a Seersucker, too!"

"I'll hunt in the Jungles of Hippo-no-Hungus and bring back a flock of wild Bippo-no-Bungus! The Bippo-no-Bungus from Hippo-no-Hungus are better than those down in Dippo-no-Dungus and smarter than those out in Nippo-no-Nungus."

^"And that's why I'll catch 'em in Hippo-no-Hungus instead of those others in Nungus and Dungus."

^^"And people will say when they see these Bips bounding, "this Zoo Keeper, New Keeper's simply astounding! He travels so far that you'd think he would drop! When do you suppose this young fellow will stop?""

"Stop...? Well I should. But I won't stop until I've captured the Fizza-ma-Wizza-ma-Dill, the world's biggest bird from the Island of Gwark who only eats pine trees and spits out the bark."

^"And boy! When I get him back home to my park, the whole world will say, "Young McGrew's made his mark. He's built a zoo better than Noah's whole Ark! These wonderful, marvelous beasts that he chooses have made him the greatest of all the McGrewses!""

""WOW!" They'll all cheer, "what this zoo must be worth! It's the gol-darndest zoo on the face of the earth!""

""Yes... that's what I'd do," said young Gerald McGrew. "I'd make a few changes if I ran the zoo.""

THE END.