Thread: One of the hardest things I live with, in the realm of regret, is that at the same time I got hurt my dad was hitting rock bottom. Addiction, depression. I think what I’ve realized, and struggle with, is that I was certainly selfish that first 5yrs after my injury.
What I know to be true is, had I dedicated myself to him I could’ve saved him. But what I also know to be true is -I couldn’t have saved both of us. I had to be dedicated to remaking myself. I had to become a Phoenix of sorts. Find and board and body surf this crazy wave.
He was an anchor of emotional baggage and frustration. I was so resentful that when I needed him most he couldn’t be the rock I needed him to be because that’s exactly what he needed me to be for him.
I guess what haunts me is,.. rather I did it consciously or not, I chose myself over him. In choosing myself I did what he’d want me to do. He is, after all, the one who taught me to be the kind of man who does whatever is necessary for his kids and family. It’s just ironic that
A time came where he couldn’t be that. And now I think I live in fear that that could happen to me. That addiction, or demons of any sort could bring me there. That’s why I don’t drink. But demons come in many shapes and sizes. Whatever irrational fear or guilt you’re struggling
with. Just know you’re not the first or only one. Life, itself, is anything but fair. Happiness and peace and fleeting feelings, but absolutely worth a lifetime’s pursuit. Keep the fight, lose the baggage and smile. It helps.
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