Thread by @drlouisehansen

Why I switched from ‘self-esteem’ to ‘self-compassion’? Traditionally psychologists thought the hallmark of psychological wellbeing was self-esteem. A high self-esteem; you love yourself. A low self-esteem; you hate yourself and might even want to die. 1/16 #March4Justice

However, the problem(s) with self-esteem is how do you get it? To have a high self-esteem in Western culture you have to be ‘special and above average’. If you said I was an average psychologist that’s considered an insult. So where’s the problem(s)? 2/16

It’s a logical impossibility for all of us to be above average. This has led us to puffing ourselves up and putting others down. This has led to bullying, fear, prejudice, racism, etc. Self-esteem is also problematic because it depends on external factors. 3/16

If you do well; feel like a success. If you fail: feel like a failure. Compliments feel warm and fuzzy; insults or criticisms feel offensive. It’s problematic because on any given day many pleasant or unpleasant experiences can make us feel incredibly up and down. 4/16

Lastly, self-esteem is problematic because we now have a narcissism epidemic. Narcissism has steadily increased over years (e.g. the “selfie” movement). Some argue it’s due to the self-esteem movements in schools (e.g. competing for grades, physical performance/appearance, 5/16

Adults: status, beauty, fame, fortune and power. So what is the solution? Scientist Dr Kristen Neff spent more than ten years comparing self-esteem and self-compassion. She first learnt of self-compassion during a difficult time of her life when she tried a meditation class. 6/16

At the end of the meditation class the teacher said: ‘make sure you include yourself in your circle of compassion’. This idea was new to Dr Neff. She was always kind to others. But never thought to be kind to herself. This began her work on the science of self-compassion. 7/16

Dr Neff has since identified three elements to self compassion: ‘kindness’, ‘common humanity’, and ‘mindfulness’. ‘Kindness’: is treating yourself like you would treat a best friend. We all know how be there for someone else. Do we do this for ourselves? 8/16

Often we treat ourselves worse than someone we don’t even like, by being overly self-critical. Crucially, self-compassion is not about external factors (i.e. performance/approval). This self kindness is offered whether you succeed or fail (self-esteem abandons you). 9/16

‘Common humanity’: what do we all have in common rather than what separates us. While self-esteem is driven by a desire to be perfect, common humanity acknowledges being human is imperfect; our imperfections and suffering are what connects us. 10/16

Instead, often when something bad happens to us we have irrational thoughts: “Why is this happening to me? Why am I the only one experiencing this?”. With clarity we can easily see shared human experiences, one of which includes suffering. So how do we get clarity? 11/16

‘Mindfulness’: nonjudgmental acceptance of the present with openness and curiosity. Self-esteem requires judgment: to be more or less at something/than someone; instead self-compassion is ‘nonjudgmental’. We only need judgment to assess risks, drive a car, cook a meal, etc. 12/16

However, if we’re always judging/critical of everything, including ourselves, life becomes very unpleasantness. Self-compassion gives us respite from this judgment. Moreover, self-esteem is always hungry (i.e. to be the best), where self-compassion ‘accepts the present’. 13/16

Finally, a child looks upon life with ‘openness and curiosity’. How many adults can say they do that? Self-esteem has us narrowly focused on being number one; competing for: grades, physical performance/appearance, status, beauty, fame, fortune and power. 14/16

Self-compassion is ‘openness and curiosity’ to all of life’s experiences and existence. I believe self-compassion is our solution to address injustice. Why? Self-esteem is ‘survival of the fittest’: competition. Self-compassion is enlightenment: awareness and compassion. 15/16

Self-compassion offers the benefits of self-esteem without the pitfalls. Self-compassion increases personal wellbeing and our shared humanity. This is why I switched from self-esteem to self-compassion. Thank you Dr Neff for lining up young science with a wisdom tradition. 16/16