Thread by @lokiscottishrap

For men out there who feel they should say or do something in response to the justified anger and dismay following the murder of another woman. Speak to women in your life. Listen. Read female writers, academic literature. Visit websites of women's groups.

Donate to charities that advocate for women. That support women. Teach your sons what you weren't taught. Look yourself in the mirror. Recall the entitlement. The objectification. The 'banter'. Bring into your awareness the pornography you stumbled on then actively sought out.

Make amends to women (where it is appropriate and not simply to purge your guilt). Reexamine your sex conduct. Create new ideals for intimacy to which you can aspire. Cut down on porn or stop completely. If you can't, seek support.

Lets not get drawn in by the comforting notion this doesn't apply to us. Resist the impulse to defensiveness. Instead of saying #notallmen just say nothing and sleep on it. Challenging male violence involves challenging ourselves as men - not just other men.

It involves listening to women. It involves taking instruction from better men than us. It involves contending with that discomfort we may feel when male violence and sexual misconduct becomes the focus of public discussion - not running away from it.

For some of us it involves difficult conversations with current or former partners. It involves awkward moments with friends we refuse to laugh along with or them no longer laughing with us. A leap of faith that confronting who we are or were will result in more than shame.

It involves accepting while we may #notall be 'monsters', all 'monsters' were once guys just like us. Honest men know they aren't perfect. Know their capacity to be bastards.Know they could and should have done better. Women don't want perfect men, they just want to feel safe 🙏

I'm sorry if this is not the male response some people want. I just know the work is better done off twitter. Not just on other men, but on ourselves. There are clearly systemic issues that make male violence likelier. These are significant and require political action.

In awful moments like these, when women die and others speak out, two types of men emerge - those keen to convey they 'get it' but lack self awareness, who think its about other men and insecure defensive men who feel personally attacked and vilified.

A man who knows himself shouldn't feel satisfied by his own tweets, whatever group he falls into. A man should feel nervous, tentative and apprehensive to add his voice here, but having reflected and concluded his motives are true, should speak out - and accept the consequences x

I don't know much and what I do know I learned from compassionate, forgiving women, honest, self aware men and from making mistakes i came to regret once I knew better.

Its also worth suggesting that even where your intentions are noble, not all women will agree with the sentiment. Some will push back. They may see it as you making about men. This is OK. Don't let that become an excuse to spit the dummy or to retreat to all male message boards.

Take on board what you must and incorporate that into whatever you say or do going forward. This is an issue I've tried to remain in tune with despite times when my opinions did not feel welcome. When my ignorance betrayed me. But that criticism was something I sat with.

I processed it and came to realise that expecting women who live in fear of male violence to also remain completely cognisant of my male preferences for discourse around it was a subtle kind of entitlement. A lack of empathy. An absence of patience.

These words im writing now I've felt and held back for so long. So afraid to get it wrong. So afraid of punishment and condemnation. So afraid of opening old wounds. Now I see that as men we must speak up in spite of those fears so long as we do for the right reasons x

(And get at least two women to proof read your fucking columns about anything related to gender, feminism and violence against women as standard)