Thread by @JoLuehmann

We have normalized calling parenting what really is child abuse (Christianity played a big role in making this the case). Spankings, manipulating, silencing, removing agency, infusing shame, using guilt and fear as motivators... it is all child abuse, not parenting.

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Children who often feel unsafe in the presence of their caregivers are not being parented, they are being abused and groomed.

While child abuse may result in obedience, that isn’t a goal we should we pursuing when it comes to equipping people to become healthy adults.

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Obedience doesn’t give us tools to be the healthiest version of ourselves, instead it tells us to fit into other’s expectations of us. The idea that if you practice child abuse, then you are parenting and your children will be well and grateful to you later on is fallacious.

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Abuse never yields wholeness. Your adult children may tell you they are grateful because you told them to compare themselves to people who seem worse; you told them many who are are well are not ok because they don’t fit into your narratives of what wellness is.

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The truth is that if they compared themselves to whole people, and were able to know what wholeness and healing looks like; they’d know they are not ok.

Your adult children may play the roles expected of them to seem like they are well; that’s a response to their fear...

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of you and of losing belonging. And that’s for those of us who could cope with the abuse through societally acceptable coping mechanisms...things like like being religious, being a perfectionist or doing whatever it takes to be able to hoard wealth; many of the ones who

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couldn’t cope in acceptable ways have lost their lives due to the abuse they were subjected to at the hands of their caregivers.

Abuse disguised as parenting makes for adults with attachment issues, mental health issues, and complex trauma. It makes for adults who are...

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emotionally stunted and conflate love with abuse, which makes them perfect targets for abusive people/systems to exploit them; and also renders them unable to love themselves and others in healthy ways. It keeps us all in abusive cycles through generations.

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I have found that it is often the case that caregivers that resort to abuse disguised as parenting are unhealed themselves and they resort to abuse because they don’t want, or don’t have the tools, to heal and do better. For those who have the tools and means;

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and still choose not to heal, you are a lazy caregiver.

We are not ok because our caregivers abused us, we are healing yes, but we are decidedly not ok; and we refuse to continue to perpetuate cycles of abuse. Child abuse results in traumatized adults, not parented ones.