Hey, jerkwad, listen up.
I am an immigrant. Yes, a dirty fucking immigrant who came to your country and is currently strutting around like he owns the place. I speak with an accent. I grew up watching soccer. I don't eat peanut butter.
And I am calling bullshit on your lies...
Oh my, baseball is getting politicized, you say? Holy crap, this like never happened before, you say? We can't allow to politicize something that is so unifying as sports, you say?
Yeah, sit the fuck down, you lump of semi-digested turnip, and let this immigrant educate your ass.
First of all, you balding monkey's ass, baseball was a unifying force in America's society for exactly zero seconds of its existence. It was universally beloved, yes, but unifying? Non-political? Ha!
Baseball was a subject of controversy from way back before it was even baseball!
Baseball was controvercial when folks tried to choose whether the Philly townball version, the Boston game or New York's rules were the real thing. Baseball was political back when Spalding made up the lie about its origins, aided by Madame Blavatsky's theosophist friends.
Baseball was at the very epicenter of disunity WHEN IT FUCKING BANNED BLACK PEOPLE FOR MORE THAN HALF A GODDAMN CENTURY, or did that little titbit of Americana escape your attention somehow?
One would think that of all sports who would take a fucking seat when talking about unity and staying out of politics, baseball would be the goddamn last.
But you know who should actually be last?
Anyone ever associated with Donald Fucking Trump, that's who!..
You have worked for the clown who, having been a mediocre athlete in his youth and a fringe celebrity in his adult years, was hell-bent on appropriating sports for his political means.
You have worked for the asshole who called Colin Kaepernick a son of a bitch at a rally...
... so that a bunch of Alabama racists could cheer him.
You have worked for the piece of reptilian shit who dragged baseball players to his COVID press conferences just to lend "star power" to the dangerous, death-inducing inanities he was spewing out into the world...
You have worked for the absolute piece of trash who made EVERYTHING about politics and all politics about himself. You have helped him promote himself by any means available, which included making the NFL, the NBA and even NASCAR take part in his pissing contests with the country
Yes, one league dominated by black people, one league where black people made it a point to make their voices heard and one league which decided that, maybe, it might not be a great idea to help promote the symbol of FUCKING SLAVERY.
That's what your dear leader made an issue of.
And you, you subhuman puddle of toxic drip, dare, FUCKING DARE to utter the word "unifying." You have the gall to claim someone else is sullying the treasured part of our national heritage?
You want to see someone who has sullied sports more than anyone?
Look no further than the asshole you have served. The one who spread his tiny hands over a pile of cold hamburgers he was serving a college football team in order to make a political point. The one who never missed an opportunity to dunk on athletes who disagreed with him...
The one who practically forced Big Ten football to resume playing in the midst of a pandemic because it would help his numbers in the Midwest (and bragged about it constantly at his rallies).
Nobody has made sports more divisive than your fucking boss, skippo.
I come from a fucking country where sports were run by the government and Olympic medals were a part of official foreign policy, and I am fucking dumbfounded by how horribly over-politicized and shamelessly divisive sports were under your fucking scumbag of a boss...
Fuck, I didn't even like baseball my first 25 years in this country, and I am scandalized by your appropriation of it. By your blatant misrepresentation of its place in American history. By your shameless fucking lies.
Take a fucking seat, you unathletic rag of sadness.
One would hope that someone who got bodyslammed by @mPinoe, dissed by @SteveKerr and dragged by @KingJames, your fucking bunch of loonies would be too ashamed to even talk about sports, let alone lecture about them.
One would be wrong.
You have no shame.

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More from @SlavaMalamud

4 Apr
For 2000 years, a Jew's death has been commemorated by festive deaths of millions of people who didn't believe he was magic. Especially of his blood relatives.
Cultural appropriation is awesome!
"Loving one particular dead Jew specifically because he is dead so we can hate the rest of them" is an unbelievably badass move. As usual, Russians are Olympic gold medalists here.
I vividly remembered entering the Temple of the Holy Sepulcher ("WTF is a sepulcher?", my sister asked) and watching all these Russian/Ukrainian peasant women screaming in ecstasy as they writhed on the ground and thinking: "Damn, all a Jew needs to do to be loved there is die!"
Read 5 tweets
4 Apr
Reading about the history of Mormonism. Holy shit, are people ever gullible idiots!
I mean, Christianity, Judaism and Islam can always be excused by having been invented by and preached to backward, illiterate folks living in the middle of nowh... Oh.
Seriously, though! I mean, SERIOUSLY! The dude's family loses their farm and has to earn money by claiming to know a magic way to find buried treasure. That alone is enough to instantly dismiss the poor chap as a desperate fraud.
But the rest of it is just pure insanity.
But hey, why should adherents to an obviously insane and transparently invented lie not be respected for their sacred believes in magic underwear?
I mean, it's not like the "major" religions are any more believable. They just benefit from their origins' not being as well known.
Read 6 tweets
3 Apr
Remember when corporate America forced NC to back away from its bathroom bill? Well, in truth, most NC Republicans were just pandering to crazy, uneducated evangelical voters. They didn't really care.
This, though? Vote supression is an existential issue to GOP. They won't buckle
The GOP has convinced itself that high turnouts are deadly to it, so it has made it its mission to depress the turnout, especially in cities. This is how they plan to keep existing as a viable party. Life and death.
GOP's survival is contingent on killing democracy. In its mind.
They can coat it in any language they want ("robust", "secure" and "legal" are the buzz words de jour), but never let them get away with this. The intent is, always was, to suppress votes in blue-leaning areas.
Nothing else.
Nothing. Else.
Read 6 tweets
3 Apr
Sen. Graham is employing the word "robust" like three times in this thread. He also loves his "integrity."
Don't be fooled. These meaningless buzz words are ALWAYS used to mask the real purpose of these laws.
Which, of course, is to make it harder for black folks to vote.
"Robust" and "integrity" are talking-point words circulated in the GOP memo to make sure nobody accidentally says the quiet part loud.
The intent is as clear as day. The easiest example is the "no food or drink" provision. Look at it closely...
Pundits will defend it by saying many states prohibit gifts, including free food and water, being given to voters near the polling place.
What many states do indeed prohibit is electioneering, including bribery and enticement, near the polls. Food in exchange for a vote. That.
Read 6 tweets
3 Apr
The best part about the new Mighty Ducks is the speech the Mom gives early on. "All of these kids have zero chance of playing in the pros!"
Well, technically, it's Minnesota, so it's actually like 0.13%, but this speech must be required viewing for all Maryland hockey parents.
The rest of it is pretty cringy.
Who cuts players right on the ice, in front of other players? I don't care if you run a hard-ass athletic outfit meant to turn 12-year-olds into little Spartans. You just don't do this. It's stupid. It serves no purpose at all.
If they wanted to show a soulless, savage hockey program designed to rip the kids' souls out of their bodies through their nostrils, they should have just invited a Russian consultant. Because that's how they run hockey clubs in Russia.
But they don't cut kids on the ice either.
Read 6 tweets
31 Mar
A periodic reminder to new followers.
Slava does not stick to sports (or anything).
Slava is substantially to the left of Joe Biden, so if you are hoping for the standard "I have eskaped kommunism in kommunist Ukraine and I don't vant Demokrats to bring eet here" shit, sorry.
I feel like I need to explain the latter.
See, unlike most of my compatriots, I have learned (it was a process) to differentiate between "left of Ronald Reagan" and "the second coming of Brezhnev." I have learned that there is in fact A LOT of daylight between the two.
Suppose there was a US political party whose policies really would bring about the resurrection of the Soviet Union. Its program would necessarily include the following:
- a rigid ideology based about veneration of a sanctified party leader,
- prioritization of military spending
Read 5 tweets

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