Thread by @CSakwah

Story Thread

Using chaos to solve chaos in an apartment is so refreshing and satisfying, sometimes. One weekend in 2017, our neighbors decided to suspend the peace that we had enjoyed for the few months that we had been neighbors. I used to live in Kasarani with my cousin.

We lived in a 1-bedroom house. Our immediate neighboring house belonged to a couple. Theirs was a 2-bedroom house. The apartment had studios, one and two bedrooms.
Our neighbor used to live with 2 girls in their earlier twenties. They were students at USIU University.

One girl was the husband’s younger sister and the other one was the wife’s younger sister. When we moved into that apartment, I had a fling with the husband’s sister, Purity. A fling that ended when she saw my girlfriend visiting me two months after moving in.

In my defense, I thought our thing was just a fling. I had not disclosed to her that I loved her. Siz caught feelings while at it. Since that day, bad blood developed between us. We rarely saw eye to eye. She also hated my cousin. And also influenced her mulamwa to hate us.

For so long, we lived peacefully, side by side. The husband and wife were very friendly. When they were around, (the wife was a housewife), they never behaved in a manner that was condescending towards us. They were very accommodating.

If you have lived in an apartment whose number of bedrooms is not uniform, you understand how sometimes tenants whose houses have more bedrooms behave in a snobbish manner. The more the number of bedrooms, the meaner the tenant.

One day, the man, the wife, and their 2-year-old kid left for their shags during that year’s Easter Weekend. They left the 2 girls in the house because they were in the middle of an examination. Coincidentally, my cousin also had an examination.

The only difference was that his was an online exam. He was to take the exam on the Sartuday that proceeded the Good Friday.
Online exams are very strict, sometimes. The exam room had to have a table, a chair, and a laptop, and nothing else.

The invigilation was done through a video call. No other person was supposed to enter the room during the exam. The room was supposed to be very tranquil; free from any kind of noise. Any form of noise or secondary company could earn one a disqualification.

At 10 AM, on that day, as we emptied the bedroom, our floor turned into a disco-matanga. The two girls started playing loud music. They never played loud music whenever the man or his wife was around. I had Purity’s phone number, the one that I had had a fling with.

I sent her a WhatsApp message imploring her earnestly to switch off their music for at least 2 hours. I explained that my cousin was about to sit for a very important online examination with strict rules which prohibited noise.

She blue-ticked me and immediately updated her Whatsapp Status: ‘It is such a hassle and a nuisance living next to envious and jealous neighbors. Nunueni yenu.’
30 mins later, and 30 mins to the start of the exam, they had not pulled down the volume.

In contrast, they had pulled the volume a notch higher.
Amidst the loud music, we heard loud peals of their laughter as they danced and sang along the music. They were doing laundry as well. My cousin walked to their house to beg them to at least reduce the volume.

They ignored his knocks, either intentionally, or the music was too loud for them to hear the knocks. He walked back downcasted.
After 5 minutes, I texted Purity again. ‘I know you hate me, Purity. My cousin has nothing to do with what happened between us.

Don’t punish him because of what happened between us.’ She blue-ticked me again. Without hesitation, she updated her status again. ‘Wicked people are doomed. The wicked that they meted out to others will be done to them now- Isaiah 3:11.’

She quoted the Bible to justify her actions.
My cousin was devastated. He had invested a fortune taking the online course and its subsequent examination.
15 mins to the examination, I conceived an idea. Let chaos be solved by chaos.

I went to our kitchen, picked our charcoal jiko, picked charcoal, a few leaflets of old newspapers, and walked to our balcony. Our balconies faced the same direction. They were next to each other. They had hanged their wet clothes on their balcony after doing the laundry.

I sprinkled a few droplets of water on the charcoal to dampen it. Damp charcoal produces the thickest, darkest, and ill-smelling smoke. The way I desired. Nature also conspired with me. The wind was blowing towards their side.

Two minutes after lighting the charcoal, I heard Purity’s sister-in-law click her mouth loudly. ‘Gas ya hao vijana tena imeisha,’ she lamanted.
‘Maybe they are preparing githeri again.’ Purity howled. Because the music was loud, they were talking to each other loudly.

The smoke grew stronger, their uproars grew louder.I smiled. The gods of Shamakhokho Forest were on my side.
Purity was the first to note that the soft wind was blowing the thick smelly smoke towards their wet clothes.‘The smoke is blowing towards the wet clothes,’ she screamed.

‘Those wet clothes will smell of the charcoal smoke even after drying. Please, ask that guy to light the jiko from the rooftop.’ When I heard those instructions, I smiled again.
‘The wickedest man wins the wickedness battle,’ I updated my status. Purity viewed the status first.

I pulled off my T-shirt and started doing push-ups. Purity walked out of their balcony door and ‘heyed’ me with rage. I ignored her hey.
She moved a step closer to me and ‘heyed’ me again. I ignored her. She moved closer. ‘Hey, Sakwah. Go and light the jiko from the balcony.

Do you know that the smell of the charcoal smoke will stick on our clothes even they have dried?’ She raised her voice. I stopped doing press-ups and stood up. I flexed my muscles. I mouthed to her that I had not heard her. She moved closer again and repeated the same word.

I moved closer to her as well and shouted, ‘your music is very loud, I can’t hear you.’ She moved one more step closer and repeated the words again. I moved closer to her as well, and repeated the words; ‘your music is too loud, I can’t hear you.’ She was frustrated.

She pulled her mouth, mschewed, and clicked her lips, all at the same time. Rage was fizzing in her facial veins. I was rejoicing.
She turned and walked back into the house. A few seconds later, she Whatsapped me, ‘I am asking you to go light the jiko from the rooftop.

The smell of the charcoal smoke will stick on our wet clothes.’ She sprinkled a few rage emojis on her texts just to show me how angry she was.
I was taught manners. I replied to her text with the same words as before. ‘Your music is loud, I can’t hear your text message.’

A second later, I heard a glass break from their house.
‘I can’t believe that guy’s audacity?’ Purity asked her sister-in-law.
‘Let us just switch off the music, because, wee, my sister will skin us if she comes back to clothes smelling like charcoal.’ Purity tried to resist.

However, as always, the wife’s relatives are entitled to the last word. They make house decisions in the absentia of the wife. They switched off the music, eventually, just five minutes to the exam.

Likewise, I picked the jiko and walked to the rooftop where I just sat and watched as the charcoal wasted away without cooking anything.
While sitting, I started texting Purity to thank her for turning off the music. To annoy her further.

Midway, as I composed my text, her Whatsapp picture disappeared from her wall. She blocked me while I was texting her. Ouch!
As the Nigerians say, if a snake does not show its venom, little kids will use it to tie their firewood.

*If the snake does not show its fangs...