🧵 A THREAD IN WHICH I REVIEW BEING BITTEN BY VARIOUS ANIMALS
1. GOAT 🐐
Overall a soft and gummy bite, often with a faint bouquet of fermented grain. Near-prehensile lips make the whole experience rather cute. Only downside is the painful accompanying headbutt. 4/5 stars.
1. GOAT 🐐
Overall a soft and gummy bite, often with a faint bouquet of fermented grain. Near-prehensile lips make the whole experience rather cute. Only downside is the painful accompanying headbutt. 4/5 stars.
2. CALIFORNIA KINGSNAKE
Startlingly swift, a thing of beauty to observe. No fangs, just teeth. Perplexing belief by snake that a human finger can in fact be swallowed by an eighteen-inch animal adds a quirky, vintage charm. Drew blood, but wounds healed quickly.
3.5/5 stars.
Startlingly swift, a thing of beauty to observe. No fangs, just teeth. Perplexing belief by snake that a human finger can in fact be swallowed by an eighteen-inch animal adds a quirky, vintage charm. Drew blood, but wounds healed quickly.
3.5/5 stars.
3. AFRICAN PYGMY HEDGEHOG 🦔
A rare bite, suitable for connoisseurs, best obtained by offering a sweaty hand to a hedgehog craving salt. Brief, sharp pinch, no lasting effects. Humor value added by hedgehog’s tendency to react to taste of human by hissing.
5/5 top notch bite
A rare bite, suitable for connoisseurs, best obtained by offering a sweaty hand to a hedgehog craving salt. Brief, sharp pinch, no lasting effects. Humor value added by hedgehog’s tendency to react to taste of human by hissing.
5/5 top notch bite
4. PARROTLET 🦜
A large bite in a small package. If you’re looking to induce your brain and mouth to emit new curse words, this is the bite for you. Focuses on tender webbing between human fingers, as well as cuticles and nail beds. Useful for CIA interrogations?
1.5/5 stars.
A large bite in a small package. If you’re looking to induce your brain and mouth to emit new curse words, this is the bite for you. Focuses on tender webbing between human fingers, as well as cuticles and nail beds. Useful for CIA interrogations?
1.5/5 stars.
5. HORSE 🐴
Variable-quality bite, owing to lack of standardization among horses in terms of size, quantity, and condition of teeth, not to mention strength of bite. Ranges from delightfully amusing mischievous love nibble to aggravated assault.
1 - 5 / 5 stars, depending.
Variable-quality bite, owing to lack of standardization among horses in terms of size, quantity, and condition of teeth, not to mention strength of bite. Ranges from delightfully amusing mischievous love nibble to aggravated assault.
1 - 5 / 5 stars, depending.
6. ROBOROVSKI DWARF HAMSTER 🐹
An aperitif rather than a main course bite; painful, but brief and localized to a small area. Hamster usually more alarmed by experience than human. Suitable bite for newer appreciators, but gourmands will seek larger hamster varieties.
3/5 stars
An aperitif rather than a main course bite; painful, but brief and localized to a small area. Hamster usually more alarmed by experience than human. Suitable bite for newer appreciators, but gourmands will seek larger hamster varieties.
3/5 stars
7. UMBRELLA COCKATOO
A crushing bite, a nice change of pace for those tired of bites that cut or pierce rather than mashing. Left bloody, crescent-shaped marks. Would rate higher, except bite was followed by bird attempting to vomit in my mouth as prelude to mating.
2/5 stars
A crushing bite, a nice change of pace for those tired of bites that cut or pierce rather than mashing. Left bloody, crescent-shaped marks. Would rate higher, except bite was followed by bird attempting to vomit in my mouth as prelude to mating.
2/5 stars
8. OSCAR 🐟
Teeth where no teeth were expected! Far from goldfish-like kissing motions, this tank-dweller packs a surprising punch with a bite that combines small, piercing teeth with alarming strength. Shocking at first, with aftertaste of profound amusement.
4.5/5 stars
Teeth where no teeth were expected! Far from goldfish-like kissing motions, this tank-dweller packs a surprising punch with a bite that combines small, piercing teeth with alarming strength. Shocking at first, with aftertaste of profound amusement.
4.5/5 stars
9. FERRET
With dedication and practice, this Mustelid could become a truly adept biter. At present, however, it lacks focus and determination. Bite quick and sharp, but ferret typically distracted and across the room within seconds. Got a headache watching it.
2.5/5 stars
With dedication and practice, this Mustelid could become a truly adept biter. At present, however, it lacks focus and determination. Bite quick and sharp, but ferret typically distracted and across the room within seconds. Got a headache watching it.
2.5/5 stars
10. NORWEGIAN RAT 🐀
The casual hobbyist will tend to assume this is a top-quality bite, based on length and yellow color of teeth. In reality, a very difficult bite to obtain. Even slathering hand in gravy only produced a frenzy of licking. Good pets, bad biters.
0/5 stars
The casual hobbyist will tend to assume this is a top-quality bite, based on length and yellow color of teeth. In reality, a very difficult bite to obtain. Even slathering hand in gravy only produced a frenzy of licking. Good pets, bad biters.
0/5 stars
11. LEOPARD GECKO 🦎
A rare vintage; usually seen only when gecko mistakes human for cricket. Bite force sufficient to remind you of gecko’s distant relationship to alligators. Frightening, mostly to the gecko, and almost never repeated. Crickets taste better.
3/5 stars
A rare vintage; usually seen only when gecko mistakes human for cricket. Bite force sufficient to remind you of gecko’s distant relationship to alligators. Frightening, mostly to the gecko, and almost never repeated. Crickets taste better.
3/5 stars
12. BLACK BEAR (SYRIAN) HAMSTER 🐹
A bite of epic proportions. Why did evolution provide this creature with such jaw muscles? If this bite was a video game weapon it would nerf the whole game. Developers run out of town on a trail. Would NOT sample this bite again!
1/5 stars
A bite of epic proportions. Why did evolution provide this creature with such jaw muscles? If this bite was a video game weapon it would nerf the whole game. Developers run out of town on a trail. Would NOT sample this bite again!
1/5 stars
13. AKITA DOG 🐕
A bite only for the most serious appreciator. The Everest of bites. Do not attempt without health insurance. I collected this bite at age 9, scars still visible. Threw tantrum and bled on floor until parents agreed it wasn’t dog’s fault.
4/5 for experts only
A bite only for the most serious appreciator. The Everest of bites. Do not attempt without health insurance. I collected this bite at age 9, scars still visible. Threw tantrum and bled on floor until parents agreed it wasn’t dog’s fault.
4/5 for experts only
14. CHINCHILLA
A rare bite, usually more of a nibble. Probably your fault. You shouldn’t have upset him. He’s very soft and doesn’t deserve that. Whatever you did, I’ll represent him in court at no charge. Just give him here. I will love him—OW!
5/5 gimme that chinchilla
A rare bite, usually more of a nibble. Probably your fault. You shouldn’t have upset him. He’s very soft and doesn’t deserve that. Whatever you did, I’ll represent him in court at no charge. Just give him here. I will love him—OW!
5/5 gimme that chinchilla
15. IGUANA
An exotic bite not available in most regions. Where present, usually only obtained by either denying snacks to iguana accustomed to snacks, or upsetting male in breeding season. A small dinosaur bite, worth trying for fans of natural history especially.
3/5 stars
An exotic bite not available in most regions. Where present, usually only obtained by either denying snacks to iguana accustomed to snacks, or upsetting male in breeding season. A small dinosaur bite, worth trying for fans of natural history especially.
3/5 stars
16. DOMESTIC CAT 🐈
Often intended in play, but serious enthusiasts discourage the collection of this bite at any level capable of breaking skin. Salivary bacteria may cause unsightly after-effects. Only rank amateurs go for this bite.
0/5 you’re cute but SHOO MITTENS OW OW OW
Often intended in play, but serious enthusiasts discourage the collection of this bite at any level capable of breaking skin. Salivary bacteria may cause unsightly after-effects. Only rank amateurs go for this bite.
0/5 you’re cute but SHOO MITTENS OW OW OW
17. DOMESTIC BISON 🦬
Disturbingly humanlike teeth. Usually more of an exploratory tasting than a bite. Unpredictable level of force but rarely does serious damage. More forceful events may leave interesting bruise. Watch out for the horns, though.
3/5 bye, son.
Disturbingly humanlike teeth. Usually more of an exploratory tasting than a bite. Unpredictable level of force but rarely does serious damage. More forceful events may leave interesting bruise. Watch out for the horns, though.
3/5 bye, son.
18. NANDAY CONURE 🦜
A peculiar bite—aggression, or a manicure? This bite seems to focus on fingernails and cuticles, but the fingernail trim provided is haphazard at best, no substitute for a good pair of clippers. Still, amusing to watch them try. Occasional OW.
4/5 stars
A peculiar bite—aggression, or a manicure? This bite seems to focus on fingernails and cuticles, but the fingernail trim provided is haphazard at best, no substitute for a good pair of clippers. Still, amusing to watch them try. Occasional OW.
4/5 stars
19. VICUÑA 🦙
If this can bite you, you’re too close. Seriously, back up. This is not a llama. I know you want to feed it. I wanted to feed it. I regret feeding it. It is an agent of chaos. I suspect it serves an elder God that may yet awake and consume the world.
-5/5
If this can bite you, you’re too close. Seriously, back up. This is not a llama. I know you want to feed it. I wanted to feed it. I regret feeding it. It is an agent of chaos. I suspect it serves an elder God that may yet awake and consume the world.
-5/5
20. GIANT SQUID 🦑
Ending with an aspirational bite. Should be on every bite-ket list. Surrender yourself to the darkness and mystery. Do not ask why it looks exactly like a parrot beak. You will not like the answer. Or the additional questions that it sparks.
1000000/5
Ending with an aspirational bite. Should be on every bite-ket list. Surrender yourself to the darkness and mystery. Do not ask why it looks exactly like a parrot beak. You will not like the answer. Or the additional questions that it sparks.
1000000/5
If you finished this thread and want a chaser of an animal that does NOT bite even when he should, read about T’Challa the bobcat that doesn’t know he’s a predator (and kick the rehab a couple bucks, it’s peak orphaned fox season):
https://twitter.com/jelenawoehr/status/1372628896902836231
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