Thread by @owenbroadcast

one of the strangest things about becoming more of a fully fleshed out person is suddenly youre totally enmeshed into this somewhat confucian system of social obligations and currents rather than being a figure floating in a neutral matrix responsible only for his direct actions.

i think when it comes to ethics + responsibilities, things like that i tend to imagine that theres this somewhat idealized platonic matrix of action that im standing against where if i do X, ill be responsible for X, and thats basically it. as i get older, this isnt how it works

im constantly finding myself in this larger river of social currents and interconnected systems of implications and indirect action that in a way almost now characterizes most of my familial or long term social relationships.

youre driving along and you hit [major life event]. hey, thats exciting. but fractaling out from this event are a million pathways wherein, well, do i tell X relative about this? we havent spoken in like 5 years. i mean, that wasnt intentional, it kind of “just happened.”

so do i call him and tell him about this? that feels kind of weird. but surely, if i dont call him and tell him about [this], this [major life event], we just dont have a relationship. so now, am i being forced to decide something no matter what, via action or via inaction.

isnt it kind of obviously just for show, if i call up this relative i literally never talk to to just say “hey uh, im having [major life event] and i wanted to tell you”. am i just transparently doing what im supposed to do so its not awkward. keeping this “bond” on life support?

yet at the same time, it feels like a decisive action to [not] tell these people, like by doing nothing im finally pulling the plug on some semi-dead relationship. this is only made worse by social media spreading news second hand. im not [trying] to do that. its not intentional.

i constantly hit these nexuses of space + time now where im not [trying] to do anything, but by not doing something, that paradoxically functions as a positive action that im “taking” because of this larger network of implications that as i said seems to characterize “adult” life

second example. i have a cousin, havent spoken to him in years, i actually really like the guy, and last time he spoke to me + my side of the family he was apparently extremely upset about the fact that i never call him. but he never calls me. once again, i havent “done” anything

but my lack of action is interpreted as a positive action. this also illuminates something else about all this because, i could easily flip this and say, well, you dont call me either. its mutual. in this imagined platonic realm of ethics we have both done the exact same thing.

but what does that “get” me? nothing. so do i put on this bigger person confucian mask and step into this entirely, from my point of view, imagined narrative, and apologize for ... nothing, ironically the same exact thing i could say this other person has done? i guess.

more and more situations like this seem to characterize my adult life. i feel like im just standing there on a hill, just doing my thing, and these larger beings made of information move around me like giant flying eels warping the air, casting shadows, but im just standing there

not like a lump, i do things when i feel like i should, but the way these beings warp and alter the environment is something im almost held accountable for, im inextricably enmeshed into what other people conceptualize them as, to the point where im held accountable for them.

its all very strange. perhaps i should have gone with a confucian model of me being tied to this larger web no matter what from the beginning. although of course i do stupid things all the time, they mostly just effect me, by virtue of distance or lack of social proximity.

it must say something about me, that over and over i find myself in this situation of having this weird energy in a relationship and me having to apologize for it, but its coming from the other person. i havent done anything. is it me or the social system? its a mystery, to me.