Thread by @R_Denhollander

This is so critical.

Pastors and friends walking alongside, this is where you come in.

Here are some things you can do. Without this kind of help, it's almost impossible to leave, much less heal and get a halfway decent custody arrangement...

https://twitter.com/LisaCongo/status/1388190374858936320?s=19

First, be the voice that tells the truth. Survivors' sense of normalcy is so distorted, and their trust in their own judgment and abilities so decimated, they need you to call what they are experiencing what it is: abuse and evil, and define what is actually normal and good.

This means you need to understand it yourself and learn from trusted advocates to be able to.

Be honest and blunt about the reality of abusers changing, and about enabling. Remind them that change only happens with honesty and consequences. Change doesn't require their harm.

Then think through the practical, with community resources and expert help especially if her or her children's safety may be at risk:

How is she going to get out and where is she going to go? For how long? And then what?

What kind of job is available to her and who is going to help take care of the kids while she looks for one or works? Bear in mind that many of these women have no marketable degree/training and they may have little significant job history.

Also bear in mind that many custody arrangements require that the abusive spouse gets priority if mom is working. So a job that covers her time with the kids means more time with an abuser.

Others have no recourse except the spouse, for covering work hours.

How can you help with the kids, creative work that pays well, and finances so that the wife and kids aren't continually left with no options but to rely on an abuser still?

Most of these women have no money to their name because he either spends it, or totally controls it so...

Who is going to pay the down payment for a GOOD attorney who knows abuse and will fight for her? This isn't cheap or fast.

Can anyone help the mom and kids get into good trauma counseling to start unwinding the damage? That's not cheap either. Help.

When these women leave, they usually lose their church, their friends and their families (actually, they usually have to fight all of them just to get out. )

Who is going to help replace that community? Holidays? Birthdays? Help moving or mowing the lawn and fixing a leaky sink?

The single moms I know are the strongest, most resourceful, tenacious forces of nature. Seriously.

But they shouldn't carry this stuff alone.

And leaving requires years of healing and support and work to gain some level of stability...

One time, or occasional financial help is good, but this process takes years. Who is going to be there for that?

Think about the practical realities of leaving, for the wife and the kids, and show up. Ask good questions. Offer specific help. Make it clear they matter.