Thread by @NeckarValue

Last Wednesday, I returned to NYC after an 8-month hiatus in Germany. I thought it would be a blast. It turned into a Feynman quote and a haze of pain.

I got lost in the most perfect eyes. Found truth, beauty, and all the agony I could bear.

“The first principle is that you must not fool yourself — and you are the easiest person to fool.” Richard Feynman

I always liked that quote. I just had no idea how true it was. How capable I really am of fooling myself. How painful the un-fooling would be.

Last summer, my life was a mess. I lost my job. Saw no way forward in my career. Decided to return to my hometown to be with family, clear my head.

I was going to leave in September. On a whim, I went on a date in early August. My best worst decision ever.

I was upfront about leaving. But what started as a summer fling quickly turned into the most incredible two months. We squeezed in everything, including a coastal weekend getaway and tripping on shrooms.

Then came the crash. I left. I had no idea if I was going to return. And left her behind with a broken heart.

I spent the next half year around family. Came to accept myself as someone better at writing than spreadsheets.

I also realized I had become a stranger in my home country. Like a plug that no longer fits the local power outlets.

Fast forward to May 2021. Looks like I can earn money writing, consulting on the side if need be. My stuff is back in storage. I book a flight back.

Many reasons to return: friends, culture, the library, an inspiring writing environment, other opportunities. I missed the energy.

And perhaps to reconnect with Her. We had been texting again.

We talked over the phone. The conversation was easy, natural. Almost like no time had passed.

We met two days ago, Saturday night. She took me to a party hosted by her friends. A townhouse filled with strangers. I was anxious as hell. And confused. Her guard was up. She kept distance between us.

Last summer, we had been two magnets. No way to keep us away from each other in close proximity.

Now, I was the magnet. And she was the life of the party, at the heart of a new world I didn’t understand. Suddenly, the 8 months felt like a very long time.

I got one real moment with her. On the roof, 4am.

She asked whether I really thought we’d just pick up where we had left off. I said no. But it was exactly what I had been hoping for.

She said she had been hurt too much, didn’t want to jump back into it. Wanted to take it slow.

That moment steamrolled me with clarity, un-fooled me.

About my motivations. I had pretended she was just one of many reasons to return. Nonsense. I was still crazy in love. Desperate to rewind the clock. To undo the pain I had inflicted. To jump back into the fountain of life.

About the depth of my feelings. My world broke with one long, mesmerizing gaze.

How often does someone hook so deeply into your soul that you find all the world’s truth in their eyes?

That locking eyes with them is pure bliss, is all that you’d want for the rest of your life.

It happened to me only once before. With the woman who became my ex-wife. I could still paint her eyes from memory (if I could paint, that is).

I left the party around 5. She stayed behind with her friends. In a new world, where I had been but a guest. An echo from the past. I haven’t heard from her since. Maybe it’s better that way.

I wanted to touch the sun, but it melted my waxen wings. Down I spiraled and crashed.

Why am I sharing this?

Two reasons. First, an apology. I’m supposed to move forward. Find an apartment. Write and publish. Deliver to my subscribers. This table and Starbucks wifi should do the trick (if I keep my books away from the sticky parts).

I thought NYC would be the perfect environment to write, and maybe it will be. But in the immortal words of Ozark’s Ben Davis: “Everywhere I go, there I am.”

And right now, when I try to focus on my drafts, I can’t see anything but those eyes.

Second. The last time I fel(l)t this strongly, it took me years to recover. In part, because I didn’t share. I didn’t want to burden my friends. I kept it all bottled up.

I fooled myself, again, by pretending I was fine.

https://twitter.com/NeckarValue/status/1392528448724344838

I don’t know if this can be pieced back together. Or if it should be. The pain of being close to her, but not with her, and the crash that followed were breathtaking.

I know it will pass. Color will return to my mornings. Nothing helps me process like writing. So, there you to.

I don’t have much advice except that I will always wonder what would have happened, had I not left. When you meet someone truly special, try not to fool yourself. Treat it like the magic moment that it is.

And when you’re getting crushed, find a way to share. It helps.

Just had lunch with one of my best friends. She helped me find my way back to laughter. One person can make such a difference❤