Thread by @VespertilioGem

PS controllers have to charge, so let's go for a #Kissmatewatches! Yeah! Today's is a randomly selected pick (free to watch on Tubi) of... Gods of Egypt, dir by Alex Proyas!
Why is the cast mostly white? Did they mean- No, Gerard Butler as Set. Egyptian Gods. Huh. Oh boy.

#Kissmatewatches All I know about this movie is that I was told to avoid it. When it came out, I did. Now? I have to see what the stink was for. And since it's free, the only thing I'm wasting is my time!

#Kissmatewatches We start with some narration that is supposed to give us a quick run down of how these deities and this world works.
I'll be the first to admit I'm not SUPER knowledgeable of this pantheon, but OH BOY are some fundamentals feeling wrong!

#Kissmatewatches First off, the idea of golden ichor running through the deities veins instead of blood is strictly a Greek thing.

#Kissmatewatches Second, I feel like they mistook size hierarchy in art for "welp gods are taller because they're drawn bigger".
I really hope this isn't the case. If it is, I might punch the British narrator.

#Kissmatewatches I'll admit to not knowing much about the transforming-at-will portion. But it still feels like more "Greeks Did It" type of writing, if you catch my meaning.

#Kissmatewatches Egypt was divided at one point, yes, but they're giving us the "Upper Nile" propaganda version of the tales. Set is "evil, barren, and foreign" while Osiris is "life-giving and just the best".
It'd be like a Greek myth making Hades evil OH WAIT

#Kissmatewatches So Osiris is crowning his son, Horus, as new king.
Then the Narrator gets very personal, and we meet his younger self! His name is Bek. He and a lot of the extras are very white. He's also a street-rat thief who steals a dress for his beloved Zaya (girlfriend?).

#Kissmatewatches I'm going to keep the number of tweets about the white-washing to a minimum, but I mean it's SO OBVIOUS.
Like, I can see the bottle of bleach they poured on every scene to avoid hiring BIPOC. It's right there, in the corner! They didn't even put a cover over it!

#Kissmatewatches Oh, and of course the clothing is NOTHING LIKE ancient Egyptian clothing. And I'm not just talking about covering up the topless women that would be totes walking around.

#Kissmatewatches Zaya doesn't seem bothered at all that her dress was stolen and in fact plans to wear it for the coronation of Horus. Bek complains he doesn't care about the gods, which Zaya very Christianly responds with "But the gods care about you!"
I offer my rolling eyes.

#Kissmatewatches We jump to Horus waking up from a night of partying. He walks around and WOW does the size difference look very CGI-not-good.
Hathor, goddess of love and women, comes to wake him. I think they're married. She seems to love shiny things more than most, too.

#Kissmatewatches Ah, not married, but he wants to ask. I think she wants him to ask too.

#Kissmatewatches At the coronation, all the gods are white except Thoth played by Chadwick Boseman!
He gets a few lines too!
RIP, Chadwick.

#Kissmatewatches But he's the ONLY Black deity. No BIPOC women deities.
And they're all heralded in by a Black priest.
And then they do "the poor gave more" speech with the offerings, which is a story straight from the Bible! Not an Egyptian myth thing!

#Kissmatewatches Set walks in and gifts Horus a golden horn, which he immediately blows on. Red-clad soldiers surround the gods. Set demands a fight, and then shanks Osiris while claiming the throne.
So now I'm interested.

#Kissmatewatches Set tells the mortals that they must buy into a good afterlife, and the gods must obey him.
The only two who dare tell Set 'no' is Horus, who gets a fight scene, and Isis, who gets a "not wise" hold-back from Thoth.
Isis could beat all y'all's asses but sure...

#Kissmatewatches AnaMardoll is going nuts over here.
"ISIS WOULD NEVER! No one could even hold her back, NOT EVEN RA! And the dumbass holding her back is THOTH? HE WOULD NEVER!"
I am learning so much about Egyptian mythology today.

#Kissmatewatches Omfg the "animal-headed forms" the gods can take (which is non-canon) is just a mech suit armor. In ancient Egypt. There is mech suit armor. what?

Oh, and Set's mech looks like Anubis because it's too black and too jackal-looking. That's just bad design.

#Kissmatewatches Set just plucked out Horus's eyes. My hopes for a blind protagonist raised. But we're still switching back to Bek, so I'm trying to not get too excited.

#Kissmatewatches We get a timeskip to the future that- WOW, skipped a lot!
Lots of nameless gods stepped up to Set, but were all killed. Horus went into exile while blind. Mortals were forced to be unpaid slaves.

#Kissmatewatches Bek sneaks around to meet with Zaya in this new world regularly. She tells him that Horus' eyes are kept in Set's vault, which unlocks when Set returns with spoils from war. Zaya gives Bek the blueprints to the vault, because her master built it. Convenient.

#Kissmatewatches In the same scene, Bek mentions that theft is the only way to live and have a decent afterlife. Also that stealing from a god is insane.
And remember, he doesn't care for the gods!

He still agrees to the plan with a stupid shit-eating grin on his face.

#Kissmatewatches Set returns to his queen after winning some new war. Hathor doesn't look pleased to be here. I recall that she valued her freedom above all else, but she gave it up for Horus' life to continue.
There's a trope name for this, but I can't think of it...

#Kissmatewatches Either way, we learn that Set has built a giant gold-and-black obelisk to show off to Daddy Ra as he passes over the land.
It looks ostentatious af, but what do I know about deities and their father's tastes in things?

#Kissmatewatches Wow, there are so many scenes that they just gave up and used CGI to create.
I get that CGI is a tool in a kit that can be used, but if it's used for "nah, can't shoot our protag swinging on a rope, just put it in in post" then it's not being used properly.

#Kissmatewatches Bek hops into the gold carts and gets thrown into the vault. Now to avoid the traps he clearly already knows about because he's got the user's manual in his hands. There's not a lot of tension here.
And his one-liners aren't worth the breath used to say them.

#Kissmatewatches Oh, he finds a trap that WASN'T on the manual and still out-runs it. With Horus' eye, he holds back the scorpions and looks for a way out-
OR HE'S JUST OUTSIDE THE NEXT DAY! What, getting in is hard, but getting out is a breezy stroll?! ESTABLISH HOW HE'S HERE!!!

#Kissmatewatches Bek runs to Zaya the next day with great news! Too bad her master somehow found out and is waiting for him. Bek thinks fast and uses the eye of Horus to get away. How does he do it? By holding it up while kissing Zaya. Don't ask why it works. Mostly because IDK.

#Kissmatewatches Bek rides off in a chariot with Zaya in his arms, where she dies from an arrow to the heart! Just, kills her. Bek doesn't even shed a tear. Just goes to Osiris' tomb where Horus is sleeping off another hangover.

#Kissmatewatches Bek, this dumbass brat, says he'll give Horus his eye once his love is alive again.
Horus tries, but fails. "We may live thousands of your years, but we cannot cure mortality."
That and I don't think this is your jurisdiction? But whatever...

#Kissmatewatches Oh, they keep trying to convince us that Bek just KNOWS parkour-like moves from.... don't ask he just does okay.

#Kissmatewatches So Horus does do one thing for the mortal Zaya: call Anubis.
Who is CGI and not an actor.
WHAT.
WHAT?!
THE FUCK?!
You white-wash the Egyptian Myth Movie, and give Anubis the CGI treatment?!
Don't worry! His VOICE actor is white!

#Kissmatewatches After... that, Horus grabs his eye from Bek (who is throwing a hissy-fit that no one could save his girlfriend) and demands the other one.
Horus is going to go through this whole movie one-eyed, huh? Why not get an actor who's half blind, or blind in one eye?

#Kissmatewatches Horus gives us the plot rundown.
Bek helps Horus get into Set's Pyramid of Power.
Horus destroys Set's power and kill Set.
Horus, now King, calls back Zaya's soul and brings her back to life (somehow).
Profit!

#Kissmatewatches Back in Egypt, Set rallies his army before getting the bitter news of the treasury breach.
Set isn't fucking happy.
Enough of that, though!
Horus and Bek climb a mountain to try to meet Ra!

#Kissmatewatches Ra is on a spaceship-boat in the stars where he drags the chained sun behind him during his journey over and around a flat, disc-like Earth. He lives up here to fight off the chaos snake, Apephos. Also, he looks like a weary, old man who needs his nap.

#Kissmatewatches Horus begs for the power of flight, even though he only has one eye (wat).
Ra says no because he needs to build character.
As for how Set's doing things below, he figures the """two""" choices he has are both pretty bad.
(I scream about Isis and move on)

#Kissmatewatches Speaking of Set, he is knocking down the walls of the rebel gods' city and plans to kill Nephthys (of protection) who might be his ex-wife.
It was a weird throwaway line.

#Kissmatewatches Set takes Nephthys' wings before her life, I guess. We cut away after he takes one.
Horus and Bek fly back to earth, and then talk about the Waters of Creation (gained from Ra's boat) being enough to quench Set's fires and kill him. Good that we have a plan!

#Kissmatewatches Bek gets caught filling waterskins at the river by Set's baddies, but Horus is there to fight them off.
It's CGI fighting, but this movie knows no other fighting.

#Kissmatewatches Bek and Horus bicker as they go onward.
One of the hunters goes back to Set with the news of Horus' badass CGI moves. Set kills him and tells his two women generals to kill Horus.
I'm just surprised one of them is Black and had a line of dialogue!

#Kissmatewatches You know, this movie is shitty to BIPOC, but it's also bad to women. No woman has agency, power, happiness, or reason to exist outside of men.
Why can't Isis, Nephthys, Hathor, and all the other goddesses form a fighting group and kick Set's ass Shrek 3 style?!

#Kissmatewatches In fact how is Set stronger than not just all the other deities 1v1, but also all of them COMBINED?
He killed Isis' husband, ripped Nephthys' wings, and is threatening Hathor, but NONE of them stand up to him. Nephthys tried to FLY AWAY instead of fight, FFS!

#Kissmatewatches Oh, yeah, Set threatens Hathor constantly. "See how I killed my wife? Yeah, that's gonna be YOU one day!" No reason for it except Set needs evil points, I guess.

#Kissmatewatches Set mentions he wants to take over the Land of the Dead after he takes over earth. Hathor can help him, but she doesn't want to because she... liked being bad? In the Land of the Dead? What?

#Kissmatewatches Hathor reaches out to Horus, which Set sees. Set goes to kill her, but she removes the bracelet of 42 Demons, which sucks her into the Land of the Dead, I think.
It wasn't made clear WTF this bracelet is or does, just that Horus made it for her.

#Kissmatewatches Horus and Bek go to Osiris' first temple for some backstory or whatever.
Here we learn that Osiris' body was cut apart into 14 pieces, though no one could find the heart (I don't think it was the heart).
And then we learn Isis isn't around anymore.

#Kissmatewatches [Suicide mention]
Isis has seen Osiris die in a myth before. She gathered her skirts and his body parts all up and brought what she could back to life. Maybe she needed a dildo for the bottom bit, but it worked.
THIS ISIS COMMITED SUICIDE?!?!
FUCKING WHAT?!

Basically this:

https://twitter.com/AnaMardoll/status/1397328588064673799

#Kissmatewatches I heard this, paused, walked out, and came back in with a fresh strawberry daquiri.
I can't finish this sober. No one should.

#Kissmatewatches Oh boy, the woman generals/hunters have huge color-matching cobras they ride.
You know, if the movie handed the controller over to me, I bet I could beat the duo-boss battle before Horus does.

#Kissmatewatches The two generals (or at least their namesakes) are canonically Set's wives, but they aren't here. Odd. You'd think they'd do more with- Right, Set hates women in this. Silly me. Why do more with what will soon perish?

#Kissmatewatches Hathor finally shows up and charms/hypnotizes the final cobra to burn itself to death with its own venom. Because Love means manipulation??? Ew?

#Kissmatewatches After that, Hathor tells them that there's a Sphynx guiding Set's Pyramid of Power. Answer its riddle and only then can you enter.
It's feeling pretty fuckin Greek in here again.

#Kissmatewatches Wait, instead of asking for the riddle and work it out themselves, they're just going to go ask Thoth for help? Thoth ain't Google, asshole!

#Kissmatewatches This entire movie is Horus going up to someone, OR someone going up to Horus, so they can help him. This isn't a fucking Greek Myth! Use your wits! Use your own strength! Do literally anything other than asking someone else to do your work!

#Kissmatewatches [rape]
While we're on Horus, we finally get to see his reaction to Hathor's "imprisonment" to Set.
She was basically sleeping with Set to survive, because it's sex or die. Hathor was NOT happy in Set's arms.
Horus is treating her like she betrayed his love!

#Kissmatewatches [rape, victim blame]
Hathor is telling him that she had no choice. Horus KNOWS it was bend a knee or lose a head! So why is Horus giving her this shit?
Hell, he was there when Hathor struck the deal with Set! Did she SOUND fuckin happy? NO! She couldn't say no!

#Kissmatewatches I'm sorry, Hathor Goddess of Love can charm/hypnotize anyone SO LONG AS THEY'RE NOT IN LOVE?!
What kind of backwards-ass-
Moving on. Moving on.

#Kissmatewatches In Thoth's palace we see Thoths walking and working. Since he only trusts himself, Thoth only has copies of himself as servants.

And he couldn't use this trick on Set's armies? He couldn't use his mind for battle strategy? He couldn't "that's not wise" at Set?

#Kissmatewatches Chadwick Boseman is wonderful, but I think the director or someone told him to put on a British accent. It doesn't fit the character, personality or design.
And they get him to help by playing on his vanity. Like a Greek Myth. I'm getting tired of this sentence.

#Kissmatewatches They did something to Hathor's face in the next scene. I don't know if lighting or make-up, but her face is paler than the rest of her body. It looks BAD.

#Kissmatewatches The penny drops to the audience (not to Bek) that no one could get Zaya back.
Oh, and NOW we get a backstory on the bracelet! Too late!

#Kissmatewatches They finally make it to the Powermid and more CGI happens.
They get to the Sphynx which DOES NOT look like any Sphynx I've ever seen!
Thoth keeps answering it wrong, because it's a riddle for mortals. (Though I'm with Thoth, his answers also would have worked.)

#Kissmatewatches After Thoth fulfils his part, Set walks in and takes his brain. The only Black god dies.
Finally Bek learns there's no saving Zaya, from Set. Bek pauses long enough for Set to foil their plans and now all they have is sand.

#Kissmatewatches Hathor offers her bracelet to Anubis so Zaya can be saved. She gets dragged to "Hell", but not before Horus proclaims his lover for her.
You have a shit way of showing it, Horus.

#Kissmatewatches Also, why are we doing this? We don't need Bek anymore.
Either way, he gets to her in time and it cuts away before we see much more. Like, we don't know if she took the bracelet yet or not.

#Kissmatewatches Cut to Set who is using all the godly parts he took to build himself/his mech suit up.
Thoth Karr for +15 Int
Nephy's Wings for +50 Def
Osiris' Heart for +30 Con
You get the idea.

#Kissmatewatches Ra is visited by Set, who just gloats about his accomplishments. Ra says "yep, did good, now take over my boat".
Set would rather the serpent eat the world, so he kills Ra instead. It unleashes Chaos.

#Kissmatewatches Zaya and Bek see the Afterlife crumbling, so Bek (under Zaya's prodding) goes to help Horus stop Chaos. Plan is to take back Ra's staff and get it back to Ra. This will be Easy (it won't be!).

#Kissmatewatches Bek fights the builder master, Zaya's old master, while Horus climbs up the black obelisk to fight Set head-on.
It's about time we had another battle with these two. It means we're nearer the end.

#Kissmatewatches Bek won his fight. Horus is doing his best. Not enough, but he's trying.

#Kissmatewatches Bek takes the eye out of Set's mech and throws it near Horus. Now Horus has a choice: his eye or Bek's life.
He chooses Bek's life because he had a revelation. The power to transform was inside him along. He just needed something to protect. Gag me.

#Kissmatewatches Set and Horus have a CGI fight. Horus has Set on the ropes, but Set reminds him that he gave Horus mercy! Why not show some mercy to his uncle?
"I will not make that same mistake." And Horus kills him.
Thank the gods Horus didn't spare him.

#Kissmatewatches Horus finds Ra, gives him the spear, and Apophet is shoved back to the darkness.
The Land of the Dead seems to be healing too!
People bow to Horus as a small Black girl offers Horus his other eye, the rest of his power. She's given no lines. Fuck that.

#Kissmatewatches Horus sees Bek die. He then buries Bek and Zaya together. Ra asks Horus what he wants, for he can give anything. Horus asks for two mortals rezzed. Guess who?

#Kissmatewatches We don't see how the gods are brought back to life, and we're told that Osiris and Isis were too far gone to rez. But Horus is still crowned. He says afterlife is earned via deeds, not gold. People cheer.

#Kissmatewatches Horus leave Bek in charge while he leaves to look for Hathor and give her back her bracelet (Bek never let it go). We see Horus fly off.

The. FUCKING. End.

#Kissmatewatches It's racist, misogynistic, poorly written, poorly animated, and overall the worst mess I've never had to clean up.

1/10, you'd get the same effect beating your head against the wall with an art print from DeviantArt taped to the impact zone.

@threadreaderapp unroll the scroll