Thread by @gathara

#BREAKING Corrupt, brutal, far-white Israeli despot, Benjamin Netanyahu, who has ruled the tiny apartheid nation for 15 years, starting genocidal wars of occupation to consolidate support for racist regime, clings to power as shield against bribery and abuse of office charges.

#BREAKING After summit with aging US ruler Joe Biden, Russian leader Vladimir Putin to outline measures to contain the rogue, ethnically-divided, nuclear-armed, banana-exporting North American republic which props up a brutal apartheid and ethnic-cleansing regime in Palestine.

#BREAKING Needing to show strength to bolster tenuous hold on power in crisis-battered, Far Western nation struggling to recover from political and ethnic strife, Biden draws sharp distinction between Russia's violation of human rights and his regime's pretense of upholding them.

#BREAKING UK strongman Boris Johnson, the real power behind aging Queen Elizabeth II, accepts resignation of Health Minister who violated the corrupt, reclusive, ultra-conservative, ethnically-divided island kingdom's strict rules against extramarital affairs during the pandemic.

BREAKING Published images of Matt Hancock kissing aide shocked flavor-starved, prudish British society, already reeling from Brexit peace deal with sub-Scandinavian Europe which has inflamed ethnic tensions in separatist northern tribal districts of Scotland and Northern Ireland.

#BREAKING The UK, an oil-rich Middle Northern nation whose people have for centuries sought to refuge abroad to escape its inclement weather and a teeth-rottingly bland diet, has been hard hit by COVID-19, with nearly 130,000 dead, and is planning to lift restrictions next month.

#BREAKING Lusaka think-tank urges soft landing for tribal district of England, in ethnically-divided, flavour-starved, Middle Northern island kingdom of Britain, as tribal bubble is inflated by irrational, ahistorical and overinflated hopes of victory in continental soccer event.

#BREAKING Kanegi Foundation report predicts widespread anger and despondency unless govt moderates expectations, tackles fake news promising "it's coming home" to desperate English devastated by covid and Brexit peace deal that banned flavour imports from sub-Scandinavian Europe.

#BREAKING Report warns sporting humiliation may push warlike English - largest tribe in corrupt, Atlantic island kingdom ruled for decades by aging queen of foreign descent - into violence, igniting festering anger over warm beer, bland, teeth-eroding diet, and inclement weather.

#BREAKING Famed Ugandan explorer, Milton Alimadi, who has lived among the English and studied their customs, says hopes of miracles increase around 30 July, the most sacred day in the tribe's calendar, during which fevered football commentators chant mantras to spirits of "1966".

#BREAKING Allimadi says generations of English tribesmen yet to experience major football success believe in an ancient prophecy, passed from father to son, promising success in a major international competition will come if they unceasingly chant mantras like "it's coming home".

#BREAKING According to Allimadi, who discovered and named the Gulu River on whose banks the UK capital is today located, cheering for a losing side has evolved into a right of passage for English youth, preparing them for a traditional life of bad food, bad teeth and bad weather.

#BREAKING Aid agencies have proposed allowing the English to win one tournament in the interests of regional peace and international solidarity, a suggestion successfully trialed at club level, where English teams are routinely let to play each other in international cup finals.

#BREAKING However, others warn that letting the English win may inadvertently revive the culture that followed their last victory, with every conversation including references to 1966, and the resulting international ostracism empowering reclusive tendencies that led to Brexit.

#BREAKING In bid to rally international sympathy for proposal to gift generations of English tribespeople opportunity to enjoy at least one international success, aid agencies release video of Queen Elizabeth II's traditional address to the football team.

#BREAKING Tensions rise in politically troubled, ethnically-divided, oil rich, Far West nation of US as rumours spread among far white, anti-math, Shite Christianist extremist followers of defenestrated ex-ruler, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, of the Covfefe's imminent return to power.

#BREAKING The rumours are exacerbating fears of ethnic violence and come as groups in the banana-exporting, North American nation face off over Critical Race Theory, which controversially asserts that a society that enslaved and systematically oppresses Black people is racist.

BREAKING The nuclear-armed, ex-superpower is still reeling from post-election violence, disease and humanitarian crises that have left over 600,000 dead, millions more hungry, and has been forced into a humiliating retreat from Afghanistan following a 20 year military occupation.

#BREAKING Heat wave in sub-Scandinavian Europe set to get worse in coming days as experts warn of intense blasts of hot air from southern areas of reclusive, ethnically-divided flavour-starved, Middle Northern island kingdom of Britain following rare semi-final win for England.

#BREAKING People around the world have been advised to shelter in place and to try to keep cool by avoiding English people and especially not listening to English football commentators and media, who are expected to release large amounts of greenhouse gases in the next few days.

#BREAKING Growing alarm as many look to corrupt, crime-infested, sub-Scandinavian state of Italy to prevent catastrophic win by England that could fracture tribal relations in reclusive UK and harm global climate by unleashing over half century worth of pent-up hot air emissions.

#BREAKING AU envoys urge crackdown on corruption and nepotism in crisis-battered, ethnically-divided US as reports emerge of exorbitant prices to be paid for artwork by son of aging ruler, Joe Biden, days after revelations of children of top aides getting coveted government jobs.

#BREAKING Lusaka-based think-tank warns brutal, ethnically-divided US may use Haitian President's assassination as pretext to invade and loot country as it did over 100 years ago, in attempt to rescue tattered military reputation following humiliating failure in Afghanistan.

#BREAKING Newspaper in separatist tribal province of Scotland, in flavour-starved reclusive Mid-North island kingdom of UK, accused of fanning anti-colonial sentiment by appealing to sub-Scandinavian European nation of Italy to prevent win by insufferable English in football cup.

#BREAKING Chronically unstable Italy, located in south of Off-White Europe, will face England, where far-white extremists have used Brexit peace deal to impose ban on flavour imports and enforce teeth-eroding traditional diet amid deadly covid outbreak, in European soccer final.

#BREAKING Facing "ultimate test", soccer minnows England, whose loud bark has for over half a century proven worse than their bite, summons genocidal "warrior spirit of generations past" responsible for immiserating societies around the globe, in bid to inspire team to victory.

#BREAKING England, who claim to have invented soccer but have been singularly bad at it, have rare once in a generation chance to fulfill ancient prophecy, passed down from father to son, of glorious win in international competition with fears of ethnic violence should they fail.

#BREAKING In chilling message, nonagenarian English monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, who for 7 decades has headed brutal regime responsible for torturing and murdering hundreds of thousands around the world, reminds soccer team of 55 year wait for major international football trophy.

#BREAKING Aging Queen Elizabeth II, whose family enjoy opulent publicly funded lifestyles even as 10% of the population suffers food insecurity and tens of thousands succumb to disease, fails to condemn violence and boorish behaviour of English football fans in message to team.

#BREAKING Corrupt UK strongman, Boris Johnson, the real power behind the throne, whose blood-stained tenure has killed 130,000, reminds England team that this is first and only time in their lives and in the lives of their countrymen that they will play in an international final.

#BREAKING Relief as crime-infested, politically unstable, sub-Scandinavian European nation of Italy temporarily blocks potentially catastrophic release of hot air emissions from England, home to the largest tribe in reclusive, flavour-starved, Mid-North island kingdom of Britain.

#BREAKING AU calls for calm in morally-deprived southern areas of reclusive UK, after far-white mobs attack children and foreigners whom they blame for major losses of self-respect following collapse of "it's coming home" Ponzi scheme in which many had invested life meaning.

#BREAKING Anger and disbelief sweep southern district of England, home to most populous tribe in reclusive, flavour-starved, island kingdom of Britain, as bursting of "it's coming home" bubble reveals tribe's ugly, racist side destroying carefully cultivated image of civility.

#BREAKING Following collapse of ICH bubble, English tribal leaders try to appease ordinary tribespeople who, after decades of historical whitewashing by corrupt ruling elite, have been shocked to discover their nation is as brutal, cruel and small-minded as others have warned.

#BREAKING Shock as aging US ruler, Joe Biden, announces military invasion of neighbouring Haiti "not on agenda" for now, stunning observers accustomed to the belligerent, militaristic, nuclear-armed banana-exporting republic occupying and destroying countries around the world.

#BREAKING Police in oil-rich, ethnically-divided, politically troubled, Far Northwestern nation of US disrupt peaceful pro-democracy protest on Parliament grounds in coastal capital of Washington DC, arresting MP, eight others for demanding voting rights for oppressed minorities.

BREAKING: Nearly six of every thousand ballots cast in former separatist state of Arizona during last year’s violent and disputed presidential election in crisis-battered, North American banana-exporting republic of US, were known to be potentially fraudulent by local officials.

#CORRECTION Nearly 6 of every 100,000 ballots cast in former separatist state of Arizona during last year’s violent and disputed presidential election in crisis-battered, North American banana-exporting republic of US, were known to be potentially fraudulent by local officials.

#BREAKING Shocking scale of US voter fraud prompted ex-dictator Donald "Papa Don" Trump to launch Commission on Election Integrity in 2017, but obscured issues like gerrymandering and voter suppression, traditionally how elections are stolen in first world shithole countries.

#BREAKING Revelations that nearly 200 out of 3.4 million Arizona ballots for President could be fraudulent seen by far white, anti-math, Shite Christianist extremists loyal to Papa Don as vindication of refusal to accept election results and of failed Jan 6 "Day of Pigs" putsch.

#BREAKING Many supporters of "Papa Don" Trump reject modern medicine and modern science, and believe mathematics to be part of secret plan by fundamentalist Muslim terror network, Al Jibra, to brainwash US children and introduce Sharia Law into school curriculum.

#BREAKING US Shite Christianist anti-mathists also believe Donald "Papa Don" Trump is the long awaited Covfefe who will destroy Al Jibra, end the tyranny of science and divisive ideas like equality, and restore a bygone era of blissful noble ignorance and racist harmony.

#BREAKING Donald "Papa Don" Trump, who fled the capital, Washington DC, after defenestration in January, has set up base in south-eastern jungles of Florida from where he hides from tax authorities and continues fan flames of the Orange Revolution he hopes to ride back to power.

#BREAKING Aid agencies struggle to reach communities across sub-Scandinavian Europe following devastating floods that have killed over 150, left dozens missing and many more homeless in a region already reeling from disease and effects of Caucasian Spring pro-democracy protests.

#BREAKING After collapse of It's Coming Home bubble devastates southern areas of reclusive, Mid-Northern, flavor-starved kingdom of Britain, leaving trail of self-esteem losses, "the Black Knight", a driver of African heritage, hopes to uplift spirits in weekend's Formula 1 race.

#BREAKING Many in England, home to the island's largest and most warlike tribe, with a traumatic history of sporting loss, place hopes for swift recovery from ICH collapse on reigning 7-time Formula 1 world champion Lewis Hamilton, prompting allegations of Black Saviour Syndrome

#BREAKING Aging US ruler, Joe Biden, calls it ‘national imperative’ for world's newest democracy to pass laws to stop attempts by the crisis-battered, oil-rich, Far NorthWestern nation's Shite Christianist opposition party to deny voting rights to country's ethnic minorities.

#BREAKING Fears of further ethnic violence after yet another traumatic round of losses in inaugural F1 Sprint race in southern region of reclusive, flavour-starved, tribally divided island kingdom of Britain, just a week after real esteem crash caused by It's Coming Home bubble.

#BREAKING Celebrations erupt in northern separatist regions of beleaguered UK as reigning F1 champion Lewis Hamilton appeals for calm across volatile, disease-ridden, southern tribal district of England, following failure to win inaugural F1 Sprint despite starting at the front.

#BREAKING Last chance for largest anti-flavor tribe in reclusive island kingdom of Britain, the English, to salvage dignity and forestall ethnic conflict as 7-time F1 champion, Lewis Hamilton, starts second in British GP days after collapse of It's Coming Home self esteem bubble.

#BREAKING Ex-colonial power, UK, gets taste of own medicine as much ballyhooed Freedom Day in southern region of England, home to its most populous tribe, turns out to mean even less than independence did for colonies, with strongman Boris Johnson still forced to self-isolate.

#BREAKING African humanitarian agencies fear Freedom Day could spark intense period of ethnic and political instability for UK as the English tribe has shown little maturity either in talks with sub-Scandinavian European neighbours or managing health on the disease-ridden island.

#BREAKING Fearing repeat of last year's American Spring protests, authorities in troubled, ethnically-divided, oil-rich, banana-exporting Far NorthWestern US republic, strategically located on border of Mexico and Canada, brutally crack down on peaceful pro-democracy marchers.

#BREAKING Strongman Boris Johnson declares reclusive flavor-starved England's independence from Covid, compares it to signing Brexit peace deal with sub-Scandinavian Europe allowing the clammy, disease-ravaged nation to institute multiple lockdowns to stop Britons fleeing abroad.

#BREAKING Medical community yet to formally recognize newly independent nation of England, home to most populous and warlike tribe in oil-rich, strategically located, Mid-Northern island kingdom of Britain, which celebrated first day of freedom from Covid amid rising infections.

#BREAKING English revolutionary leader and freedom fighter Boris Johnson in hiding following declaration of independence amid fears he may be targeted by covid as many anticipate deadly response from the virus which has already killed over 130,000 on the flavor-starved island.

#BREAKING After learning it predominantly killed people over 80, English liberation hero, Boris Johnson, plotted to use covid to assassinate nonagenarian UK monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, who has clung to power in the reclusive island nation for seven decades, former aide reveals.

#BREAKING “You guys paid for all of this” US oligarch, Jeff Bezos, whose fortune in 2020 grew by KSh7.4 trillion as the Far NorthWestern banana-exporting republic suffered its worst economic and humanitarian crisis in nearly a century, tells Americans after pricey space joy ride.

#BREAKING Traditionalist, anti-flavour ruling junta based in newly independent southern areas of reclusive, tribally divided, island nation of Britain, proposes laws to treat journalists who embarrass the regime as counter-revolutionary spies with prison terms of up to 14 years.

#BREAKING Led by liberation hero, Boris Johnson, revered by English tribe for risking life and reputation on zipline to wave plastic flags nearly 10 years ago, the region declared independence on Monday following bloody campaign against covid which claimed over 130,000 lives.

#BREAKING Shock as court in troubled, ethnically-divided, banana-exporting republic of US jails confessed "Day of Pigs" putschist for 8 months, with analysts saying light sentence will bolster Shite Christianist belief in powers of defenestrated ex-ruler, Donald "Pap Don" Trump.

#BREAKING Tensions rise in volatile, separatist tribal region of N Ireland, in reclusive, ethnically-divided, ironically-named UK, as sausage wars pit pro- and anti- flavor groups, and strongman Boris Johnson threatens pull out from Brexit peace deal with sub-Scandinavian Europe.

#BREAKING Officials in Off-White Europe refuse demands by Mid-Northern Atlantic Islanders in reclusive kingdom of UK, to renegotiate Brexit peace deal, which many blame for flavour wars on the strategically located island with a cherished tradition of bland, teeth-eroding food.

#BREAKING Researchers find shocking rates of hunger and inequality in newly independent anti-flavour extremist enclave of England, which has highest and lowest rates of food insecurity in troubled, tribally divided island kingdom of Britain where millions struggle to find food.

#BREAKING Opposition MP kicked out of Parliament in ethnically-divided, oil-rich, flavour-starved Middle Northern tax haven of UK, for calling mendacious strongman, and liberation hero for largest tribe, the English, which recently declared independence from covid, a "liar".

#BREAKING AU envoys express "grave concern" over clampdown on dissent and criticism of supreme leader Boris Johnson in newly independent tribal nation of England after MP is forced out of Parliament for demanding truth on independence campaign which cost at least 130,000 lives.

#BREAKING Mwai Kibaki Institute, established by former Kenyan President to foster democracy in the first world, urges UK to commit 0.7% of GDP to lifting millions out of poverty, helping more children into school and dealing with humanitarian crises in newly independent England.

#BREAKING Regime in troubled US, where routine police crackdowns on pro-democracy protests are rewarded with military grade equipment and immunity from prosecution, to impose sanctions against Cuban minister and special forces unit over abuses during protests on the island.

#BREAKING Thousands of far-white, anti-math, Shite Christianist extremists queue for chance to get covid at rally in former separatist state of Arizona by defenestrated US ex-ruler, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, whom many in the oil-rich, banana-exporting republic say is true Covfefe.

#BREAKING Having apparently given up on stopping brutal crackdowns on protests at home, members of US whitewing Republican opposition hold rallies demanding aging ruler, Joe Biden, whose regime has balked at police reform, punishes Cuban government for clampdown on demonstrators.

#BREAKING Michael Flynn, far-white, Shite Christianist former Minister of Defense in Far Northwestern, gun-riddled, violence-wracked nation of US, with more firearms than people, threatens to randomly shoot someone in coastal capital, Washington DC, stronghold of ethnic Blacks.

#BREAKING Only two opposition MPs join commission set up by ruling party in troubled North American nation of US to investigate January 6 "Day of Pigs" attack on Parliament by far-white, anti-math, Shite Christianist extremists following violent, shambolic presidential election.

#BREAKING Descendant of independence hero imprisoned for four years in ongoing crackdown against transparency and accountability in nominally democratic, ethnically-divided, banana-exporting republic of US targeting those who embarrass regime of aging, white moderate, Joe Biden.

#BREAKING Descendant of Nathan Hale, hanged by the UK 245 years ago for stealing documents during brutal, internecine, US colonial separatist war, Daniel Hale jailed for revealing details of murderous drone programme that has killed up to 17,000 people, including 22,00 children.

#BREAKING Joe Biden, aging millionaire white moderate who rules over the vast, ethnically-divided, Far NorthWestern, banana-exporting republic of US, announces plan to "support and grow more American-based companies" by extending predecessor's 'Buy American from China' plan.

#BREAKING Third ethnic Black, woman MP arrested in fresh crackdown on pro-democracy protests in Washington DC, capital of troubled former British colony of US, after state legislatures dominated by far-white opposition Shite Christianists pass laws to facilitate election rigging.

#BREAKING Media reports in reclusive, flavour-starved, tribally divided, Middle Northern island kingdom of Britain, strategically located off coast of sub-Scandinavian Europe, show corrupt nonagenarian monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, has for decades abused power to benefit self.

#BREAKING Outrage as, following meeting with Kenyan President Uhuru Kenyatta, British strongman, Boris Johnson, celebrates "long and rich history" of the reclusive, tribally divided, flavour-starved island kingdom profiteering from murderous, racist, colonial occupation of Kenya.

#BREAKING US Defence Minister, Jake Sullivan, urges Tunisia to avoid path taken by the oil-rich, Far NorthWestern, tribally divided republic, where religious extremists wield great influence, and instead form government led by capable officials and focus on restoring democracy.

#BREAKING Ever since defenestration of far-white dictator, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, the US has dedicated itself to showing the world the consequences of failure to pursue democratic reform, arresting pro-democracy protesters and passing laws to stop ethnic minorities voting.

#BREAKING Stirring tales of resilience amid desperate hunt for food on empty supermarket shelves, outbreaks of separatist tribal violence, as UK central bank says Brexit peace deal with sub-Scandinavian Europe costs reclusive, diseased, anti-flavor island kingdom KSh666B weekly.

#BREAKING The oil-rich Middle Northern kingdom, where nonagenarian Queen Elizabeth II, has clung to power for 7 decades, has seen flavour imports dry up following last year's Brexit deal, with even hardliners starting to question return to traditionally bland, teeth-eroding diet.

#BREAKING UK strongman Boris Johnson will not apologize for laughing at economic hardships imposed on separatist, oil-rich, northern tribal district of Scotland by hardline traditionalist predecessor, says he wishes to avoid accusations of hypocrisy since he is doing the same.

#BREAKING Global musical superstar, Ben Githae, founder of Adopt-An-American humanitarian aid group, appeals to African nations not to ignore plight of millions across sub-Scandinavian Europe who are suffering due to effects of climate change and incompetent, corrupt leadership.

#BREAKING Shocked by images of empty supermarket shelves, Tano Tena star, Ben Githae, launches fund appeal to combat crippling Brexit-induced flavour shortage in corrupt, reclusive, oil rich, Middle Northern, tribally divided, disease-ridden, Atlantic island kingdom of Britain.

#BREAKING Forced to resign following multiple allegations of sexual misconduct, Andrew Cuomo, Governor of disease-ridden state of New York in troubled Far Northwestern, banana-exporting republic of US, complains of lines being unfairly redrawn to demonize exploitation of women.

#BREAKING Election observer mission from troubled, violence-wracked, ethnically divided nation of US, which is still emerging from post-election turmoil following shambolic presidential election last November, on benchmarking visit to Zambia which holds elections on Thursday.

#BREAKING Report from Lusaka-based think-tank, Kanegi Foundation, says Zambia should learn crucial lessons from chaotic, violent and divisive election in unstable, crisis-battered US, especially on need to avoid ethnic mobilization and for losing candidates to accept outcome.

#BREAKING DHS, the feared state security agency which spies on citizens in disease-ridden, violence-wracked US, warns of covid-related terror plots by far-white, Shite Christianist anti-math extremists angered by failure to reinstate ex-dictator, Donald"Papa Don" Trump, to power.

#BREAKING Less than a year after claim to being world's greatest democracy was debunked in shambolic, violent presidential election, self-proclaimed "world's greatest military power", Far Northwestern banana-exporting republic of US, humiliated by student militia in Afghanistan.

#BREAKING According to Accra-based Royal American Society, since 1975, the belligerent former superpower has been forced into a series of humiliating military retreats following ill-advised, hubristic invasions of countries from Vietnam to Somalia to Iraq and now to Afghanistan.

#BREAKING Speaking on condition of anonymity, sources within US presidential palace in coastal capital of Washington DC say aging moderate white ruler, Joe Biden, is listening to "White Christmas" on repeat while watching televised images of Americans fleeing from Kabul.

#BREAKING US Foreign Minister Antony Blinken rejects comparisons between headlong retreat from Kabul and departure from Saigon in 1975, noting that the US had only 19 years to design chaotic exit from Vietnam, but has been preparing for this moment in Afghanistan for 20 years.

#BREAKING AU urges review military ties with struggling US as Taliban takeover of Afghanistan signals collapse of second army trained by the former superpower in 7 years following routing of 60,000 US-trained troops and police by 1,500 Islamic militants in Mosul, Iraq, in 2014.

#BREAKING Kenyan envoy urges diseased, graft-ridden US to investigate allegations of massive theft and corruption after fall of Kabul to the Taliban raises questions about KSh9 trillion in public money that American generals claim to have spent training Afghan army and police.

#BREAKING Defenestrated anti-mathist ex-US dictator, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, revered by whitewing Shite Christianist extremists as true Covfefe, and who initiated humiliating retreat from Afghanistan, admits "it will go down as one of the greatest defeats in American history".

#BREAKING Officials in troubled, oil-rich, ethnically divided, banana-exporting, Far Northwestern republic of US blame "intelligence failures" for Kabul debacle in tacit admission that humiliating retreat is culmination of 2 decades of inane decision-making at the highest levels.

#BREAKING Report by Lusaka think-tank Kanegi Foundation blames collapse of Afghanistan government and military on "over-reliance" on advice from greedy, corrupt and incompetent military "experts" and politicians from violence-wracked, disease-ridden, ethnically-fractured US.

#BREAKING Once considered one of the more stable and better-governed nations in North America, US reputation has suffered from years of corruption, dictatorship, shambolic elections, an attempted coup, ethnic and political violence, police killings and foreign military defeats.

#BREAKING Over 221,000 Americans have died in 7 months since aging moderate white ruler Joe Biden's took power in traditional oathing ceremony following defenestration of incompetent, corrupt far-white dictator, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, whose bloody reign cost over 400,000 lives.

#BREAKING In speech characterizing decision to flee from Afghanistan as courageous, aging US ruler Joe Biden sidesteps charges of massive corruption during 20-year occupation which has seen trillions of shillings spent in phantom project to train and equip Afghan security forces.

#BREAKING Following humiliating rout of self proclaimed world's greatest military powers by ragtag student militia in Afghanistan, UK strongman Boris Johnson and aging US ruler Joe Biden ask for help from allies in disease-ravaged sub-Scandinavian Europe, North America and Japan.

#BREAKING Uganda offers to take in 2,000 refugees fleeing US debacle in Afghanistan amid desperate scenes in Kabul airport as chaotic retreat of Western armies before ragtag student militia turns into headlong flight, 7 months after collapse of Shite Christianist regime in US.

#BREAKING Far-white UK strongman, Boris Johnson, rejects weak calls by MPs for inquiry into military collapse in Afghanistan; blames parliament and people in reclusive, flavour-starved island kingdom for failure to send "tens of thousands of British troops to fight the Taliban".

#BREAKING Top US military general Mark Milley admits leadership of troubled, oil-rich, ethnically divided, banana-exporting Far Northwestern republic did not have the intelligence to anticipate its forces would be driven from Afghanistan by ragtag student militia in just 11 days.

#BREAKING After threatening to blow up rarely used parliamentary library in Washington DC, coastal capital of ethnically divided, violence-wracked nation of US, suspected far white anti-math Shite Christianist extremist terrorist of Midwestern appearance surrenders to police.

#BREAKING Whitewing Shite Christianist militant who threatened to bomb parliamentary library in capital of troubled US, Washington DC, is follower of ex-dictator, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, whom anti-mathists believe is true Covfefe who will crush Al Jibra Islamist terror network.

#BREAKING Anti-mathists, who want to impose a strict interpretation of Christianist law which limits women's rights, see the use of Islamist math in counting votes during elections as a perversion of democracy and part of an Al Jibra plot to introduce Sharia law into the US.

#BREAKING Despite being pushed out of the capital after failed January 6 "Day of Pigs" putsch, heavily armed far-white anti-mathist extremist groups still control much of the US interior where they roam freely in pickup trucks targeting members of ethnic and religious minorities.

#BREAKING In apparent martyrdom video recorded before his surrender, far-white militant who threatened suicide truck bombing in coastal US capital, Washington DC, pledged allegiance to Orange Revolution which aims to return corrupt former ruler, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, to power.

#BREAKING Scientists say newly discovered asteroid is one of fastest objects in solar system, orbiting sun quicker than other asteroids, even outpacing scramble of sub-Scandinavian European and North American armies to flee Afghanistan after humiliating defeat by student militia.

#BREAKING League of disease-ravaged struggling democracies and former global military powers known as G7 to meet in bid to stem chaotic retreat from Afghanistan following defeat by student militia, as shocking scale of military collapse after 20-year occupation becomes apparent.

#BREAKING Tribally divided, ironically-named UK, strategically located off coast of sub-Scandinavian Europe, along with troubled former colony, the banana-exporting US republic on the Mexico-Canada border, to call for united G7 front against ragtag student militia in Afghanistan.

#BREAKING Newly minted Governor of New York, Kathy Hochul, in the Far Northwestern nation of US, once thought a promising democracy in a troubled region, pledges allegiance to aging, inept ruler, Joe Biden, vows to use office to rig elections in favour of ruling party.

#BREAKING “The sooner we can finish, the better,” aging US ruler Joe Biden declares, as the former superpower and self-declared greatest military power in history prepares to exit role as major player on global stage following humiliation by ragtag student militia in Afghanistan.

#BREAKING Violent ethnic-based clashes break out between far-white, anti-math, Shite Christianist terror group, Proud Boys, and moderate groups in Portland, Oregon in troubled US, months after city police violently disperse desperate residents scavenging for food in rubbish bins.

#BREAKING Riven by ancient hatreds, Portland has history of ethnic violence, with latest following nationwide police clampdown on political protest in December as unstable US, whose currency had fallen 10 percent after disputed presidential election, teetered on brink of anarchy.

#BREAKING African journalists scramble to reach scene of latest clashes in Northwestern US, close to Canadian border, as concern mounts in disease-ridden nation which witnesses regular violence by majority white police and Shite Christianist militants targeting ethnic minorities.

#BREAKING Ethnic clashes in N. West US blamed on Shite Christianist anti-math extremists loyal to ousted far-white dictator, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, who has mounted Orange Revolution in bid to regain power following defenestration in wake of failed January 6 Day of Pigs putsch.

#BREAKING With regime of aging white moderate, Joe Biden, distracted by military humiliation in Afghanistan, analysts worry about lack of political will to confront heavily armed whitewing ethnic extremist groups roaming the US interior in pickup trucks flying Confederate flags.

#BREAKING: Member of far-white extremist terror sleeper cell which plotted to kidnap female Governor of remote northern US border region of Michigan in bid to establish strict Shite Christianist tax haven ruled over by true Covfefe, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, jailed for six years.

#BREAKING Regime insider-turned-democracy activist Eric Holder, a former adviser to deposed ruler of Far NorthWestern banana-exporting republic of US, Barrack Obama, who hails from same minority Black ethnic group, blames far-white opposition for continuing push to rig elections.

#BREAKING Aging moderate white ruler of troubled US, Joe Biden, whose gun-ridden, ethnically-divided, violence-racked nation has never once in its entire history been united, says country's military will not be deterred by terrorists from mission of fleeing from Afghanistan.

#BREAKING Hopes for one-man-one-vote elections fade across corrupt, disease-ravaged US republic, the world's top exporter of democracy, as whitewing opposition targets ethnic minority voters and analysts worry beleaguered nation may be low on stocks after 20-year export binge.

#BREAKING One of the most Heavily Indebted Shithole Countries, the crisis-battered Far Northwestern nation, strategically located on the Mexico-Canada border, has been hard-hit by declining global demand for its democracy exports, the engine for a large, militarized war economy.

#BREAKING In wake of humiliating military defeat by ragtag student militia in Afghanistan, aging moderate white US ruler, Joe Biden, reassures head of proxy apartheid Israeli regime, Naftali Bennet, that the former superpower has "other options" in meeting at presidential palace.

#BREAKING Israel has been one of the main beneficiaries of US democracy exports to other countries in the region which have allowed it to amass an illicit nuclear arsenal and pursue colonial policies of apartheid and ethnic cleansing against the indigenous Palestinian population.

#BREAKING Expressing skepticism over assurances from aging US ruler, Joe Biden, Naftali Bennet, who took power following ouster of long-reigning corrupt strongman, Benjamin Netanyahu, says the Israeli regime "never will" rely on US troops to defend it after Afghanistan fiasco.

#BREAKING Tens of thousands of internally displaced people flee as massive storm nears poverty-stricken, oil-rich, former separatist, southern coastal region of Louisiana, a stronghold of Shite Christianist anti-math extremists in crisis-battered Far Northwestern republic of US.

#BREAKING Louisiana is controlled by extremist far-white opposition group, the Republicans, that seeks to impose strict Shite Christianist interpretation of Bible across the whole US, roll back women's rights and stop teaching of "Islamist" math to count votes during elections.

#BREAKING The Republicans are battling to oust aging US ruler, Joe Biden, and to govern the gun-ridden, disease-ravaged nation that, according to one observer from Afghanistan, has "never been united" and is made up of "tribes that have never, never gotten along with each other".

#BREAKING Extremist Republican governor of remote former separatist region of Mississippi, a stronghold of Shite Christianist insurgent groups in Far Northwestern, banana-exporting republic of US, Tate Reeves, suggests belief in "eternal life" reduces need for Covid precautions.

#BREAKING New study finds nearly half of children aged 5-11 in crisis-battered US suffer from acute malnutrition and obesity. In the last year, the troubled country has lost hundreds of thousands to disease, political instability, ethnic violence, and environmental catastrophe.

#BREAKING Global superstar and philanthropist, Ben Githae, founder of Adopt-An-American aid agency which works to better the lives of US children, plans to re-launch hit single, Do They Know Its Jamhuri Day, to raise funds following shocking report on US childhood malnutrition.

#BREAKING: Troubled Far NorthWestern ex-superpower, the US, announces completion of escape from Afghanistan following humiliating military collapse before ragtag student militia, ending corrupt, murderous and ineffective 20-year Western occupation that killed over 240,000 people.

#BREAKING In bid to prevent further US instability, Lusaka-based Kanegi Foundation calls for AU assistance to establish urgent Disarmament, Demobilization and Reintegration programme for thousands of fighters returning to the ethnically-divided nation after defeat in Afghanistan.

#BREAKING Analysts fear returning fighters may be recruited and radicalized by armed extremist Shite Christianist terror groups roaming the US interior in pickup trucks, brandishing weapons and flags, and which aim to establish a global Covfefephate governed by the Bible.

#BREAKING Humiliating US exit from Afghanistan marks formal end of 20-year mission to re-arm, rebuild and re-energize extremist Taliban group in the country and comes just seven years after ISIS terror group similarly benefited from American-supplied arms in city of Mosul, Iraq.

#BREAKING Regime of far-white UK strongman, Boris Johnson, continues bid to impose handpicked regulator on media in the reclusive, tribally divided, flavour-starved, Middle Northern island kingdom, whose courageous press is considered the most vibrant in sub-Scandinavian Europe.

#BREAKING Extremist Shite Christianist US MPs who back ousted regime of far-white ruler, Donald "Papa Don" Trump and are suspected of participating in failed January 6 Day of Pigs putsch, threaten to "shut down" telcom companies in the Far Northwestern banana-exporting republic.

#BREAKING Aging moderate white ruler of troubled oil-rich, ethnically divided US, Joe Biden, defends chaotic rescue operation in which the former superpower extracted over 120,000 desperate troops, civilians and allies trapped in Afghanistan following defeat by student militia.

#BREAKING Speculation that US troops rescued from Afghanistan debacle may be poised to invade former separatist southern border region of Texas in bid to free women from oppressive rule of heavily armed extremists seeking to impose strict interpretation of ancient religious laws.

#BREAKING Disease-ravaged New York City, in the relatively stable northeastern border region of crisis-prone, ethnically divided, gun-ridden, banana-exporting republic of US, hit by catastrophic flash floods just days after Hurricane Ida battered southern opposition strongholds.

#BREAKING Violent clashes break out in troubled, oil-rich, Far NorthWestern nation of US with police reporting at least nine shootings in 16-hour span in northern city of Portland, in remote border region of Oregon, which has seen over 50 killings since the beginning of the year.

#BREAKING African aid agencies warn of fresh humanitarian crisis in politically unstable US, where nearly 700,000 have died from disease and ethnic violence in last 18 months, as massive storm wreaking havoc in the east of the country forces tens of thousands to flee their homes.

#BREAKING Under sway of extremist Shite Christianist anti-mathist politicians associated with deposed regime of far-white ex-dictator, Donald "Papa Don" Trump, many in strategically located US, awash in guns and illegal drugs, are ill-prepared to face reality of climate change.

#BREAKING The storm comes as the corrupt, belligerent former superpower reels from military defeat by student militia in Afghanistan following ill-advised 20-year war that sucked up equivalent of 10% of GDP, denying many hard-hit communities resources to buy food and medicines.

#BREAKING Until recently, the US, a Kenyan military ally, was seen as the strategic linchpin of North America. But as conflict, disease and political chaos drag on, analysts worry that the oil-rich, Far Northwestern nation is becoming a source of instability in a volatile region.