Thread by @AutSciPerson

I've had a thought I've been mulling over the last few days about parenting autistic kids and emotional regulation.

I'm not sure if I agree with myself yet, but here's my take at the moment -

Parents often place limits on their kid, just generally.

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This can include when the kid eats, when they go to bed, when they have to brush their teeth, when they have to do homework, when they can do activities they like, etc.

And yes, of course much of that is often necessary especially for young kids.

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Emotional regulation and figuring out what your body needs to be stable is hard for anybody, period.

Often for autistic people it can be harder for any number of reasons, many that I've gone into before on here.

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But when I think about how allistic people learn to regulate, usually it's by doing something that dysregulates them first.

People talk about how they ate too much candy and their stomach hurt, so they tried not to do that again.

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cw alcohol

And the same thing can be said for young adults drinking alcohol for the first time. Many young adults end up drinking too much without realizing that they've gone past the "good" part.

But then they figure out, based on how many drinks made them feel sick,

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cw alcohol

How many drinks they can have -before- they start feeling bad or have bad physical effects.

Many people learn how to regulate by experiencing dysregulation - and usually that works.

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But this isn't the way people parent generally, is it? Instead, parents make sure kids have a strict routine and try to get their kids to follow orders so that they don't become dysregulated. I find that really interesting. And I'm not saying that's not needed.

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For autistic kids, esp. autistic kids with alexithymia, that dysregulation only becomes recognized internally when it gets really really bad - 8/

https://twitter.com/AutSciPerson/status/1391867993634840578?s=20

I think autistic kids can still learn from dysregulation, in the same way any adult learns from having a few too many drinks.

And I actually think that the more times dysregulation occurs & is acknowledged and the trigger can be found, the lower that "I'm not okay" bar gets. 9/

It may be that it only becomes lower in certain scenarios (i.e. where an activity or sensory environment previously dysregulated that person), or that it only can become lower with age.

I guess I'm wondering if imposing rules, esp. on older autistic kids, is helpful or not 10/

On one hand, I feel like most of the way I learned emotional regulation has been through being dysregulated and doing it myself (i.e. binge-watching TV shows without eating for 6 hours). And that sticks with me more than if someone else tells me to do something. 11/

On the other hand, a lot of autistic people need routines to help with executive functioning and also to help regulate stress levels generally.

When autistic people learn from dysregulation, to everyone else, it can look really bad/upsetting. It's shutdowns/meltdowns/crying. 12/

I've implemented my own rules based on what I know works for me and hasn't worked for me in the past. I know that I will become irritated and snappy at people if I don't wear headphones when I go outside for 2 days in a row. You know why? Cause I've tried it! 13/

If someone told me to wear headphones every single day when I went out as a kid, would I have done that?

Honestly, probably not. Because I didn't have the knowledge that it would help. If it's my idea, I'm more willing to implement it (like most people honestly). 14/

And if I -know- something will help, because in the past I was dysregulated, then I will definitely implement it. And I think that's where experiencing dysregulation (due to your own actions) can be helpful. 15/

Now of course I'm not saying drop everything and let your kid do whatever they want at all times. But I do think that the way I figured out what works for me has been through very specific avenues:
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1. Experiencing dysregulation myself and knowing what the issue was.
2. Reading other autistics' experiences of their dysregulation and acknowledging that in myself.
3. Thinking about my body signals (pulse/sweaty palms) as clues to my emotions & reading about alexithymia.
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And as for whether I did something I didn't like or not (not something that was painful, but something I really just didn't like),

natural consequences went a long way. Ex., I knew what it was like to get a cavity filled. I diligently brushed b/c I didn't want that again. 18/

Hopefully there's something valuable in this thread because I really don't know where I was going with this.

It might take longer for autistic kids to "seem" more regulated because they're hitting shutdown/meltdown, but they may still be making progress with regulation. 19/

And when you get older, you have a more variety of experiences and knowledge of what overloads you or puts you in shutdown, so you have more tools or at least understanding to draw on and figure out what you can and can't handle each day. 20/

Parents, especially parents of autistic kids, may think or be told that being even more strict is better for their kid -

But I guess my point is, that may potentially make things worse by basically not allowing a kid to figure out what they need on their own. 21/

And they might not know! And they may be too young to learn or too disconnected to learn from it. But I do think that in certain circumstances, too much strictness can be a barrier to figuring out what your body needs and figuring out when you are regulated vs. dysregulated. 22/