I was profiling Clinton Portis when he played for Washington. His house was full of giant aquariums. One of them had a lionfish in it. I was like, "Wow, that fish is super venomous if you step on it." He sort of frowned at me and said, "Ain't got no plans to step on it."
This remains the world's only known instance of fishsplaining.
I also accidentally beat Santana Moss at pool that night. I am a terrible pool player, but I couldn't miss. Well, it turns out professional athletes are quite competitive. You don't want to announce you're terrible at pool and then roll them. Little pro tip for the Youngbloods.
One of the great miracles of my career—nay, of the entire history of human existence—is that I got through it without anyone picking me up, turning me upside down, and dropping me into a garbage can.

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More from @EnswellJones

10 Jun
Okay, quick fish story: When I was a kid I had a paper route. I saved up for MONTHS and finally bought my dream purchase: a big fish tank. Little coloured rocks, tiny plastic SCUBA diver, the works. I also bought a bunch of tropical fish. I didn't know I needed to buy a heater.
My granny was visiting from Wales. We stashed her on a sofa bed that happened to be next to my new fish tank. Well, it turns out that tropical fish in cold water try to escape cold water. My granny woke up with the stiff, dried corpses of my beloved fish all over her bed.
I was so upset. My tank was a goldfish operation thereafter. But that night at dinner, my granny suddenly said, "I was dreaming all night that it was raining." She was splashed all night long by suicidal fish but didn't wake up enough to save them. The nightmare!
Read 4 tweets
3 Jun
A local high school student profiled me for his English class, and I swear to you, he included the following sentence in his story: "Jones lives with his two sons and, supposedly, his girlfriend." I told his teacher that a burn like that deserves an A.
Imagine, for a moment, you take the time to talk to a high school student, and he turns around and does that to you. I think I might try to adopt him. His parents have obviously done an amazing job, but I want to take it from here. This is a once-in-a-generation talent.
Behold, the most devastating adverb in human history.
Read 9 tweets
3 Jun
It might have sneaked up on us—or on me, anyway—but I think we might be in a golden age of music. There is so much catchy, creative stuff right now. I have a new favourite song every hour. Total delight.
For instance:


Read 7 tweets
1 Jun
When my boy Sammy was born, his head was so big that our paediatrician worried out loud that he had water on the brain. Kid had an off-the-charts cranium. The doc took out a tape measure and then stopped, looked at me, narrowed his eyes, and said, "You know what? Never mind."
This story is 100 percent true. In high school, I made a new friend, Richie Chaplin. I went over to his house for the first time, and his older brother, Ed, burst out laughing and said: "Look at the fucking head on that kid."
Just remembered that when I worked for the Ottawa Lynx baseball team, they had to special order my hat. "Kid needs the Bochy." Imagine having a head so big that no one else in an ENTIRE BASEBALL ORGANIZATION has a head the same size.
Read 4 tweets
20 May
Non-golfers don't get why golfers have been so upset about courses being closed in Ontario. Well, every golfer is a would-be murderer who isn't murdering people because we can spend hours walking around hitting golf balls instead. This is about your safety, not our pleasure.
Because I'm on a cold streak of people misreading everything that I've perfectly written: This is a joke.
The "perfectly written" part of the above tweet: also a joke.
Read 4 tweets
11 May
HOW TO BECOME A REGULAR IN A BAR, by me, a man pictured with the drink named after me at my local. You don't have to thank me. You’re most welcome.
1. Go to the right place. You want a bar with the longevity to which you aspire. It should be somewhere people sit and drink and talk. Not fancy. Neon is nice. Long-time staff. Bartenders named after cities (e.g. Chicago Mike, Omaha Jenny.) Urinal with some heft and character.
2. On your first visit, scout it out for a beat before you sit down. Because wherever you sit, that’s gonna become your seat. I like a corner of a bar (two possible conversations to join), or a corner table, back to the wall. Wherever you sit, face the bartender or the room.
Read 16 tweets

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