Thread by @pptsapper

Ya know, there's birthday drunk and then there's engineer birthday drunk

Engineer birthday drunk is like birthday drunk except you really want to set off some demo

Goddammitall, I'm trying to tell a story here, so shuttup and siddown. Unruly pack of walruses. Ok. So. I got my gin. I got a rudimentary and tenuous grasp on some historical facts that may or may not be changing in my head. And we've got a day ending in y for #drunjhistory

Ok so it's 1779. No, not right NOW, but, like, sometime. There was once a time when it was that date. And that's what's important here for this story.

The RevWar is four years old at this point - like all good toddlers, its got an attitude, it doesn't wanna sleep, & it's noisy

Stuff is happening all over the place, historical stuff, so I'm told, but let's take a mosey over to Washington's army outside NYC where there is some top level plotting & scheming and shit going down. Because GW is BORED and wants to do something other than stare at boring Brits

GW, he's got this new shiny toy that he's made over the winter called the Light Corps, which are the most badass dudes from every regiment in his army who apparently checked "yes" to the question "do you like bayonets and would you like to fight with just them"

See, there's this whole thing about the American revolution that the Patriots were all born woodsman and were like "imma hide behind this wall and shoot you with a rifle, ya dumb Brit" and this is pretty much all actually bullshit, which is the technical historical term for it

In point of fact, fighting on European terms was the best way to beat a European army, so GW welcomed the advice of the European officers that flooded the continental army at this time. One, specifically, brought in from Prussia by Ben "I just did Paris; ALL of Paris" Franklin

The dude in question was Wilhelm Augustus Henry Ferdinand von Steuben. yes, I damn sure copied and pasted that shit, I'm three gins in, what do you think I am. Steuben was coming from Prussia where they made war like the French made love - passionately, loudly, & professionally

And speaking of making love, von Steuben may or may not have been lightly to very gay. Trending towards the latter, if gossip of the time is to be believed - which he never denied. However, he also didn't directly confirm it, which leaves historians in a conundrum

Regardless - altho he was good buds with Freddy the Great who, in addition to reforming the use of artillery in combined arms was also gay, so that points to a probable yes - Steuben knew a thing or two about how to make war in the Prussian way. Loudly, professionally, etc

Steuben teaches the continental army how to army in the winter of 1777-78, in his quaint German way of mixing profanity with profanity to form discipline. "I want for someone to swear for me in English" should be carved on the walls of the Infantry school, let's be honest

During the winter-spring of 1778-79, Steuben gets to train the Light Corps, who are yeah, elite and shit, but also, if their courts martial records are any evidence, highly prone to getting loaded and making everyone's lives harder

Kinda like toddlers, yeah

So Steuben is all "you must give them the bayonet" and these guys are like "sure, makes sense" which is just not a normal response so you know they're all kinds of fucked up. So he's training them and all, and GW, he picks their commander: Anthony "I'm batshit cray" Wayne

Wayne gets known by the sobriquet, "Mad" as in "it would be insanely mad to storm the Gibraltar of the Hudson with only bayonets and no loaded muskets." That kinda mad. Which kinda dovetails into Steuben's thing about closing with the bayonet and now Henry Clinton shld be nervous

Ok, so, earlier that year, Brit gen Clinton got bored and did some expeditioning up the Hudson from NYC, as all NYCers do in the summer to get some fresh air, and seized some key positions just to show that he could. One of these was a spot called Stony Point. Cause it wuz a...

Well, it was a point. With rocks on it. Super imaginative. The dude leaves like 550 Brits to fortify and guard it, which they do, calling it a Gibraltar. And, I mean, other than being on the wrong continent, yeah, they get that right. It's defensible as fuck all

And it's a thorn in GWs side, and he doesn't like thorns, so he's like "yo, Tony, do something about this for me, make em an offer they can't refuse" because somehow GW is the godfather I dunno, the gin is flowing like gin over here

So GW and Tony Wayne go recon Stony Point and GW is all "FUCK that's a strong point" and Wayne is like "jfc I wouldn't wanna attack that" and GW is like "what if you totally hit that" and Wayne was like "uhhhh, sir..."
"... "
"... "
"... "
"I'D LOVE TO ATTAC, YES"

So here's how it goes down, July 16. Wayne marches his 1100 dudes into position at night, total secrecy, unloaded muskets, the works. Everyone was given the order to "shut the fuck up" which is totally lawful. Wayne is gonna attack with two columns & do a fake in the middle

One gonna go north, one gonna go south, & Wayne gonna go south. The southern party also contained a Frenchman who didn't know how to lose, francois de Fleury. Like, the only way he'd lost fort Mifflin was that he'd been carried out, stunned. If he hadn't, he'd still be holding it

So the light infantry get into position in some swamps, because that's where light infantry almost always end up. They cursed their way thru the swamp without too much incident & got into their jumping off points without anyone ruining the plan

Well, except for one Pennsylvanian

Captain Ashmead, of the 2d Pennsylvania, was more or less in the mindset of "life is a party" and was mildly to uproariously drunk during the assault,"behaving ridiculously" during the assault and "frequently huzzaing during the approach to the enemy's works"

This checks out

Gibraltar-on-Hudson realized there was an attack when the tricksy force in the middle started shooting but then all of a sudden all these bayonets followed by Americans started showing up in the fortifications and the Brits were puzzled/bemused/confused/dead

The northern storming party managed to find a gap in the line and raced through, its progress noted by the huzzaing captain who was probably well into the best buzz he ever had, while the crazy Frenchman led the way thru the enemy defenses like a, well, cray Frenchman

Now Wayne is all "DEATH AND GLORY" when his dome gets creased by a British bullet and then he's all "CARRY ME INTO THE FORT, I WOULD DIE IN GLORY" because, fam, he extra as fuck

There's like cannon and shit going off and all the forlorn hopes with axes to chop down the British obstacles are mostly dead and wounded, so it's basically a nightmare of confusion, like a rave, if instead of glow sticks there were bayonets

Basically about the same, yeah

Now, SOMEHOW, frenchy mcfrenchface defleury spots the British colors in the darkness, coz they did this thing at midnight because fuck all, that's why, and legs it up the mostly rocky very filled with British hill and they're like "my good sir, you mayn't" & he all "Mon dieu!"

Now the Brits are surrounded by a buncha super angry bayonets & a Frenchman who chops down their flag with his saber which is what we all wanna do at some point in our lives, don't lie, and theyre like "soooooo, maybe these guys are actually really fuckin good" and they surrender

After half an hour of fighting and shit, it's all over, the fort is taken with lots of prisoners.

GW gives the middle finger to General Clinton. Well, metaphorically, at least. And then the Light Corps gets really drunk again. Because, well, light infantry.

Now 1779 is a year of some bad news bears for the Continental Congress, where their armies get their asses handed to them from Georgia to Maine. So, obvs, this one win was kinda a big deal. And it all happens because of an immigrant engineer and a gay drillmaster.

Anyways, that's the story.

Wait. What was the story. Dammit, I've reached the point where I've forgotten what the drunjing was about. Occupational hazard.

Here's to the engineers! We are we are we are we are we are the engineers, we can we can we can we can demolish 40 beers...