Thread by @AutSciPerson

This is a thread on my (very recent) experience about “delayed emotional processing,” or more accurately:

Forcing yourself to look okay even though you are not because you cannot communicate the complexity of the situation to other people,

1/25
[CW dentist]

and it would not be “appropriate” to break down in front of those same people.

CW dentist
I went to the dentist today, a place that actually has good, supportive staff and has generally been very accommodating and kind. I even got a room on the first floor

2/25

because I told them about my ankle injury. No issues there.

And it’s important to note that sometimes there isn’t any one person at fault, but is simply how us autistic people are required to navigate the world. When I went in, I had to tell the receptionist

3/25

that my “preferred name” was now my legal name.

I told her this and she paused and said “Okay but what was on your insurance before?”

Somehow having to deadname myself is worse than someone else doing it. Couldn’t she have just looked up my last name instead?

4/25

I was surprised how awful it felt to say my deadname to her. “But at least it’s changed now” I thought.

I didn’t change my gender, which was still listed as F, even though they had nonbinary (I didn’t know how welcoming the practice was at first so I didn’t try it).

5/25

As many of my dysregulation stories start out:

Although I brought earplugs in case, I decided not to bring headphones.

I usually don’t have to wait very long & it'd be hard to wear headphones with a teeth cleaning. This is the first time it was so busy

6/25

& I had to listen to a discussion between another patient & the (somewhat loud) receptionist. But it wasn’t horrible, I was still okay. The hygienist took me back and she talked very, very loudly, possibly because it was so busy. She talked at a more manageable volume later

7/25

but the first 3 minutes were rough. But she was nice enough. Unfortunately, it turned out I had gingivitis & swollen gums, so my teeth cleaning was really, really painful. She also told me multiple times that I need to brush more often as if I didn’t hear her the 1st time.

8/25

She wasn’t patronizing, just very emphatic about it (and just, loud).

It was the most painful cleaning I’ve ever had.

She got through nearly 75% of my teeth before she asked if I was okay & during it I was making noise (& wincing) to imply that I wasn’t okay

9/25

but she didn’t hear me over the water pick. It probably didn’t matter b/c she had to do it anyway to clean under the gums.

But when she finally asked me if I was okay I was even proud of myself for not saying “mhm” right away like I often do.

10/25

CW blood
Instead, I paused & actually made a wobbly hand gesture to indicate I wasn’t okay.

But instead of stopping and giving me a break.. she just continued.

I was spitting out blood multiple times when rinsing when it was done & it was honestly pretty freaky to see.
11/25

The main dentist was very nice as usual & actually helped me calm down a bit (but didn't know I was in distress). While he was looking at my teeth I even shed a tear which he probably didn’t see since I was laying down.

I was trying really hard not to crack

12/25

but everytime I talked I was worried I was going to cry.

I couldn’t tell if he noticed the tears welling up in my eyes or not.

Do you want to know why I had gingivitis? Because last time I was there, he suggested an electric toothbrush to me. But the one I got
13/25

doesn’t have long enough bristles to brush the same way that I do with a non-electric toothbrush which meant I wasn’t getting under my gums enough.

It wasn’t because I didn’t brush enough (the one thing I do consistently is brush and floss). 14/25

If I hadn’t switched toothbrushes, I wouldn’t have had this terrible of a problem because I wouldn’t be brushing differently. Somehow I don’t have any cavities at least. The main dentist was about to dismiss me when the hygienist said “No I have one more thing to go over.”

15/25

The hygienist gave me useful tips for brushing (using a pink toothbrush) & was practical at explaining it which I definitely appreciate (though she again brushed over my very tender bleeding gums),

but the startling response of “no I’m not done with her yet” 16/25

really made me unable to hold my emotion in. She also tried to give me pain remedies for my bleeding gums & said sorry that the cleaning hurt so much, which just made my ability to keep everything in even less possible. By the time I saw the receptionist to schedule,

17/25

CW misgendering
I was full on crying, but I had my mask on at that point so I don’t know if they could tell.

One of the worst parts was that I had a they/them mask on (which wasn’t super easy to see from all angles, so the hygienist probably didn’t know),

18/25

& the hygienist kept misgendering me so much when talking to the dentist. Honestly I think that’s why I started full on crying at that point.

People didn’t seem to notice since I had my mask on, and the scheduler person was nice, so I immediately left & in my car,

19/25

started really crying/hyperventilating. I felt better after crying once I got home, but when I looked in the bag she gave me, I was floored to see the pink toothbrush from the appointment. Then my spouse asked how it went & I started crying/hyperventilating again.

20/25

What I want allistic people to take away from this:

When autistic people are under stress, it also often impedes our ability to communicate this distress.

And when we know that most of the time our distress is ignored, we’re unlikely to even attempt to communicate it

21/25

because we know that other people aren’t going to understand, know how to help, or honestly, aren’t going to care because we don’t “look” like we’re in pain, or like we need support. There are so many reasons to be upset & these “little” things compound themselves.

22/25

There is no way to explain this to NTs in the moment it is happening. I knew I just had to exist & be in pain b/c there was no other option.
I didn’t want to be the person to “make a scene” because the only other way I could communicate was if I took her hand/tools away.

23/25

It just makes me think of the podcast I listened to yesterday & how trauma happens when you are not in control of your environment.

No matter how nice the people are, no matter how much they think they care -

24/25

If they don’t know what your distress looks like, or that you can “look fine” and be in pain, and you cannot communicate in a way that they will listen to you -

They can traumatize you.

That’s why ABA therapy is so traumatizing.

25/25

What I experienced today wasn't traumatic for me, but it could've been. The only reason it wasn't is because
1. I consented to the procedure & knew what was going to happen in it
2. I knew why they were doing the cleaning
3. I knew I could leave if I had to (was not restrained)

But if it had been any more painful or any longer than it was, it could have seriously been traumatic, especially if I -wanted- to leave but I didn't have the mental capacity under stress to be able to. That's why attempting to "desensitize" autistic kids is so terrifying.

What if they are trying to communicate but they can't? What if they want to say that it hurts but they can't?
What if they are showing you that it hurts but you don't notice that what they are doing is expressing pain, or don't interpret it as pain?
And we don't "desensitize."

And what ABA does -

It attempts to extinguish "challenging behavior."

That "behavior" they are incentivizing autistic children to stop doing is their external distress signal. You're getting rid of sometimes the only way a child can communicate their pain & distress.

So yea, parents might think they have a "happy" kid because they're not -externally showing- their dysregulation anymore.

That does NOT mean that those kids are regulated.

It means they were taught to hide their dysregulation, their pain, and any other negative feelings.

We know what happens when children bottle up their feelings. It's not good. And it's not healthy.

Yet this is what ABA therapy is meant to do. You're training children to stop showing signs of stress, as early as 2 years of age!

No "therapy" does that!

ABA isn't therapy. It's compliance training. It makes non-autistic people's lives easier.

And it makes autistic people's lives traumatic.

#SayNoToABA

Another good thread on this:

https://twitter.com/RealKaristina/status/1407432816091086849?s=20

Also, if you wanted to know if I have eaten food since my appointment this morning, the answer is no. It's been 8 hours since I've had food, and all I had was some poptarts this morning.
Cause I can tell eating food will probably hurt.

This kind of stress destroys my appetite.

https://twitter.com/AutSciPerson/status/1408586322000891909?s=20