Thread by @TheRealHoarse

So, I got stung by something while doing yardwork today and that, of course, cannot be let to stand without recourse.

I regard the sting as unprovoked.

Therefore, according to man-bee law, unless it was a pollinator, I am within my rights to exact a terrible vengeance.

1/

The minor issue is that I didn’t actually see what stung me, so I really didn’t have enough to indict a culprit.

An investigation was needed. Research. Detective work.

There are a lot of stinging insects, you see. This wouldn’t be an easy case.

2/

When I interviewed the victim (me) I was told there was another incident last night. Another attack occurred near the same bush.

Pissed off insect(s); sudden ambush.

Victim reported a mild sting and some screaming and running like a young schoolgirl.

Interesting.

3/

I took this back to the lab and ran it through the system.

Suspect: Hornets.

Not big fans of commotions around their nests - like hedge trimming and such.

And here’s a hornet fun-fact: when they sting, they emit a chemical that tells other hornets to be dicks to you.

4/

So, basically, I had been marked for death last night and today was just the first of a series of follow-up attacks meant to drive me to madness.

Hahhahaha. I laugh at this. As if I could be driven from my homestead by pestilence. I don’t think so.

5/

But now I had a suspected hornet’s nest in a half-trimmed bush and had two choices:

A) Avoid that bush like it was packed with explosives until at least the first hard freeze of winter

B) Find the hive

I was leaning toward A.

6/

But I am a notorious dumbass with a need for instant gratification, so I chose B.

But first, I kid you not, I took a hot shower and used a variety of fragrant soaps and shampoos to rid myself of the hornets’ scent of scorn.

7/

So, I get outside and approach the bush like it is a live sea mine washed up on a family beach.

I’m out there in the gathering dusk staring at my own bush from 20 feet away with a pair of binoculars.

Not my bravest moment.

8/

No sign of hornets.

They’re in there though - and again, I am a tremendous dumbass with a need to know things immediately - so, I creep closer and closer until I am almost *in* the bush peering between branches.

9/

This is a spectacularly dumb idea but I’ve got it in my head I need to know if there is a hive.

I mean, I’ve gotten stung in front of that bush twice in two days and my conclusion was “hey, go use some of that nice body wash and the hornets will forget they hate you.”

10/

I’m legit face-in-the-bush now banking on some body wash I bought at CVS functioning like a cloak of invisibility.

And I can’t find the hive.

And it’s getting dark.

And now I’m frustrated and moving a little less cautiously.

11/

So, I move around to where I abruptly left off trimming last night (see earlier witness statement re: running and screaming).

I’m crouched down…

I come up between branches…

And come face to face with…

12/

This.

13/

I swear to God, I come eyeball-to-nest from about a foot away…

And that hornet comes to the door like “Can I help you with something? I’d back my ass up real slow and then run if I were you.”

But I smell like an Irish meadow, you see. Dude doesn’t realize I’m on the hit list.

So I acted all chill and was like “Oh, hey, what’s up, I was just getting some fresh air. Didn’t know the hornet Ravenite Club was on this block. My bad.”

And then I backed away unstung.

15/

And tomorrow, I shall purchase a hornet spray.

And I will point it at the gaping maw of their hell cave.

And they will be dispensed back to the hell from which they came.

And then I will display their hive on a pike as a warning to others of what I’m capable of.

16/

Sleep well, hornets, perpetrators of the double attack upon my person, sleep well… for tomorrow shall be your last.

At dawn, my sweet mistress, Vengeance, returns to me.

I shall wear my finest body wash.

(Cut to me laughing diabolically in an Irish meadow. Fade to black.)
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