We are approaching zero-hour and tensions are running high at Mission Control.

Soon, the greedy jaws of night will consume the last of daylight leaving only an inky nothingness.

It is then when I will rise to smite my sworn enemy:

The Terrible Hornet.

1/
Tonight, the hive of bald-faced hornets, winged spearman from hell, must face its final reckoning.

I will be dispensing them straight to sulfuric hellfire from whence they came.

Or, ya know, that’s sort of how I’m hoping it goes.

Results may vary.

2/
Anyway, it has been said “To defeat the hornet one must become the hornet.”

I cannot be a *human being*.

I must be a *hornet doing*.

I have thought of little else this day.

And I have surveiled my quarry.

3/
Becoming the hornet requires challenging one’s assumptions.

Why is it that I should be forced to attack from an unfortified position while The Terrible Hornets are protected by battlements?

“Become the hornet. Build a hive.” a voice said.

My voice. Muttering in Home Depot.
4/
After all:

1) the opening to the hive faces the back of my property

2) I have one can of spray (with a 20-foot spray range); and

3) I can’t possibly spray the opening and get back to the house faster than hornets can get to me.

5/
Basically, without a hive of my own, I’d get one brief chance at the Carnival of the Damned.

Either get the spray in the Clown’s Mouth or win a terrible prize:

100 hornet stings to the face

I do not like the sound of that. I’m terrible at that carnival game.

6/
I needed a pill box. A fortification like in ye olde times of war.

A hardened battlement with a view of the target but protected from counter attacks.

Enter: The Garment Bag of Troy.

7/
Small, light, mobile, quickly sealable.

All I needed to do was position it within firing position of the hive and then at near dark unleash Apocalypse Then.

Should The Terrible Hornet launch a counterattack, I could zip up and wait them out.

Or go down firing.

8/
First, I had to gain their confidence. Lull them into a false sense of security.

So, I sauntered over casually “Oh, hello, Terrible Hornets. Do not fear me. I am a simple country merchant bringing my wares to market. I mean you no harm.”

9/
“I am weary from my travels and soon it will be dark. I shall leave my garments here and return for them in the morning.” I said to myself but really to them. They were listening. They are always listening, watching, waiting.

Anywho. My improvised man-hive is in position.

10/
It is time, my friends.

You have been good company.

But nothing can keep me from my appointed task.

If the next transmission is pro-hornet, they have overrun my position.

I’m kidding. I am going to go dispense these bastards and watch through my garment bag man-hive window.
Wish me well.

I shall return with stories of war.

//

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More from @TheRealHoarse

28 Jun
I have returned.

That was… a bit of a cluster.

If you’re just joining us, maybe start with the prelude.

Everyone else, let’s dive down in, shall we.

1/
So, I sign off and get ready to enter my garment bag man-hive for a final assault on The Terrible Hornet.

But, I’ve got flashbacks to yesterday’s go-round in my head.

One of those bastards stung me *four* times in about two seconds flat just for walking by. Zap-zap-zap-zap.

2/
I would very much prefer not to repeat that, so I decide to put on my heaviest rain gear as an added layer of protection.

In my pocket: a flashlight, beer and bottle opener. I could be in that vinyl mausoleum for awhile.

3/
Read 16 tweets
27 Jun
Someone “warned me” they would unfollow me if I killed the aggressive hornets that have stung me twice in my yard.

These aren’t honeybees. They are bald-faced hornets. They are very aggressive. They attack over almost nothing. Vibrations. Movement close to their hive.

1/
They actually remember faces.

When they sting, they leave a chemical summoning the hive to swarm.

They are dickheads.

2/
And they are nesting right next to where my neighbors’ boys have a soccer goal - and they are going to kick the ball into that bush at some point this summer.

The problem ain’t bees. I sit with bumble bees all around me on flowering bushes. I leave them alone; and vice versa.

3
Read 5 tweets
27 Jun
So, I got stung by something while doing yardwork today and that, of course, cannot be let to stand without recourse.

I regard the sting as unprovoked.

Therefore, according to man-bee law, unless it was a pollinator, I am within my rights to exact a terrible vengeance.

1/
The minor issue is that I didn’t actually see what stung me, so I really didn’t have enough to indict a culprit.

An investigation was needed. Research. Detective work.

There are a lot of stinging insects, you see. This wouldn’t be an easy case.

2/
When I interviewed the victim (me) I was told there was another incident last night. Another attack occurred near the same bush.

Pissed off insect(s); sudden ambush.

Victim reported a mild sting and some screaming and running like a young schoolgirl.

Interesting.

3/
Read 17 tweets
26 Jun
Trump left office with billions in debt he needed to refinance.

Even worse, many of his properties turn operating losses. They need inflows of new money to even stay in business.

All it would take to kill the Trump Org. is one domino: Deutsche Bank calling his loans.

1/
Trump is leveraged to the hilt. His business is a house of cards built on debt he can’t afford to service.

One tiny push and he would suddenly have to hastily sell off assets in a fire sale… which would make all of his other loans suddenly even riskier to lenders.

2/
High-debt businesses reliant on constant access to credit can go down in flames surprisingly fast.

Happens with retail brands a lot. They eke by until it just implodes. Doesn’t matter how big the retail chain is. Once they are in a credit squeeze, it’s a steep spiral.

3/
Read 11 tweets
25 Jun
There are 10,000 bread choices.

How come not even one of them is thicker slices?
People like bread. That’s all I’m saying.

And people like french toast.

Make a bread good for french toast. Fat slices, all swirled up with cinnamon and shit. Soft like challah.

Thick & Twisted Bread™

Presto. You’re rich.
10,000 kinds of bread. 9,900 of them are the same boring-ass wheat, rye, and white from different companies.

Not a single fat slice option in the whole lot of them.

Missed opportunity.

Makes me Thick to My Stomach™.
Read 6 tweets
24 Jun
Johnny Podcast is back. Pulled in at 6:40 with windows down and some droning podcast playing loud enough for me to hear every word.

Okay, let’s go. It’s on.

If we’re going to listen to each other’s radios, I’m opening with Meat Loaf’s classic “Bat Out of Hell.” ImageImageImage
Johnny Podcast is dug in. This is going to take higher firepower.

The heavy artillery. That can mean only one thing:

Sisqo - “Thong Song”

Lace up and Bass up. It’s game time. Image
DJ Hoarse just crossfaded into Public Enemy’s “Bring Tha Noize” - the high octane duet with Anthrax.

This version just kicks. Now I don’t even care if he turns down his podcast. Image
Read 7 tweets

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