Thread by @FierceMum

This evening I wanted to share some thoughts on what we mean by 'security', and how security interplays with community and with support. Informed by today's ICO fining of Mermaids, as well as years of UK establishment hostility towards Mermaids and parents of trans kids 1/

I know the email group that resulted in the ICO form. I was in it for years and without doubt my data would have been part of dataset the ICO has fined about. As someone who values my own and my child's right to privacy highly, any data insecurity is obviously a concern. 2/

When the email group was set up, many years ago, Mermaids was a tiny volunteer led support group, with no media attention. It had no staff and developed things on the fly. As many informal support groups do. 3/

Perhaps it could have evolved quicker. I wonder how many other tiny newly formed charities with their first full time member of staff are put through a baptism of fire the way Mermaids was from 2016 onwards. It's hard not to drop balls when people are throwing knives at you. 4/

The old email group was cumbersome, and most people moved to the facebook group. The facebook group was an absolute lifeline for many many parents of trans kids. 5/

I know people get (rightly) pissed off when parents are 'woe is me I have a trans kid'. But that wasn't the focus of the facebook group. Instead day after day, it provided a safe space for people to talk about the hate & ignorance they faced for daring to stick by a trans kid.

It was the only safe space to talk about feelings when parents faced hostility from their ignorant family, hostility from co-parents, hostility from former friends. The level of hate directed at parents of young trans kids can be overwhelming. 7/

It was a safe space that provided a security blanket against a hostile world. From that safety, parents learnt the confidence to truly stick up for their trans kids rights. Parents shared advice on rights, on best practices with schools, information on healthcare 8/

It provided a hugely rich source of information, from parents and families who had been there and got the T-shirt. If you had a problem with your GP, someone on the group had been there. If you had a question about name change at the GP, someone on the group shared a template 9/

It was also valuable in showing new parents through example the importance of affirmation & support. Many parents first tried out using their child's pronoun in that space. Many parents started on the group with awkward & ill-informed language and learnt trans-positivity 10/

It was a safe space to ask dumb questions. To share fears. To work through thoughts or emotions that trans kids do not need to hear. It let parents decompress, so that they could be better parents to their trans kids. 11/

And then the media attacks began. The first time we heard that The Times had purposefully infiltrated supposedly safe parents support groups, that content from there was being shared, many of us parents felt extremely violated. 12/

Some quit the group straight away. Trans kids have a right to privacy and the thought of that right being taken away through the action of a supposed journalist was completely shocking. 13/

I don't think it takes high calibre investigative journalism to infiltrate a safe space for parents of trans kids. Anyone can phone up & lie about having a trans or gender questioning kid. Parent support groups were meant to be able to rely on some basic ethics 14/

But we live in the UK, and there is no respect for trans kids. One of the only supports for parents of younger trans kids was then under threat. Taking away this support harms parents, and it particularly harms trans kids. 15/

It especially harms those parents who are first reaching out for information & support. Without a welcoming & safe community to pull upon, parents are surrounded by ignorant or transphobic family, friends, colleagues. It's hard to find the right information without community 16/

The second time 'journalists infiltrated and shared screenshots of private messages in private support groups for parents of trans kids, a bunch more parents quit. Went out into the world with no support and no-one around them to go to for advice. 17/

Mermaids eventually pulled the facebook group entirely. A community that meant a lot to me and to so many others was gone. It had made so much difference to so many families. So many nights I'd stayed up messaging with parents providing support and advice. 18/

So many times I'd turned to that space in tears after an encounter with hate or hostility. After yet another encounter with cisnormativity or transphobia. Yet another ignorant comment or active rejection just for supporting my (happy, cheeky, awesome) trans kid. 19/

The facebook group did not have perfect security. People used their real names, the group could be accessed by unethical journalists. Screenshots could be taken and shared on social media by total arseholes. 20/

But, the group was warm. Friendly. Kind. It was community. I made friends there I hope to keep for life. Many people who I have never even met are people who I hold dear. It made the world safer, brighter, better. It helped us get through whatever bullshit obstacle came next. 21/

It was a safe space to scream at the latest Sunday article of ignorance without our kids hearing us scream. It was a safe space where people supported each other through the darkest of times, when sat up on suicide watch, when sat at A&E, when times were bleak. 22/

And then that safe space was taken away from us. Taken away in the interest of data security, privacy and confidentiality. Of course I want data security, privacy and confidentiality. I also want warmth, friendliness, community 23/

The replacement that has been set up has not worked. It is secure and anonymous. But detached. Isolated. Not a warm community space. Months ago I dropped out of that space, as did the vast majority the parents who frequented the previous facebook group 24/

I feel sad for what we have lost, for being back to our isolated lives. Some of us have set up our own smaller spaces, but these are not accessible to new members. Most of all I feel very sad for the people who are just reaching out now. 25/

They won't get the warm embrace of a friendly community that I was welcomed into. They won't get the always available wealth of knowledge and experience-based insight, especially as most old-timers have completely disengaged. 26/

It feels like Mermaids is close to non-functional as the intimate online parent support family that it used to be. That makes me sad. 27/

I haven't tweeted about this before now. I don't like to criticise Mermaids, as they have meant the world to me, have greatly improved my life, my child's life and have improved the lives of so many families and trans kids who I know. 28/

I also know that Mermaids were between a rock and a hard place. How can they keep vulnerable parents and kids safe from proactive attacks by journalists with zero ethics? They were forced to take an approach with security as their number one priority 29/

But security and privacy at what cost? Are parents of trans kids better off being completely isolated? Or being left to reach out to community spaces that are less private, less vetted? Or being left to get advice from their ignorant family & friends. 30/

I don't have a conclusion to this thread. I just feel sad that one of the few good things that helped keep parents of trans kids afloat through the hard times has been taken away, after years of concerned attacks that no other support group would face. 31/

We need security & privacy. We also need warmth, friendliness, community. For parents of trans kids, especially those who are guarding their child's privacy, it can be hard to find trans-positive community. We all need to know that we are not on our own. End 32/

One important correction, especially for any fellow Mermaids parents reading. The ICO fined data breach was not the old parent email group, but a tiny Mermaids email sub-group with anyone whose data was in there already notified. So if you haven't heard your data was not breached