My love of Maple Leaf Gardens helps explain, in part, my hatred of the Leafs. A couple of years after school, I was a sportswriter for the National Post. I got assigned the first practice at the new ACC. It was timed for the lunch break for the hard hats, still finishing it.
I hated that the Leafs had left, but the ACC, for a new arena, wasn't bad. Anyway, I'm sitting there with these electricians, and pipe fitters, and joiners. They had tears in their eyes, watching their team take the ice they had made from seats they could never afford.
Then we hear someone hollering. From a luxury box. It was Steve Stavro, the Leafs owner, yelling at the workers to get out of the seats. They were covered in plastic, but I guess he was worried they would damage them somehow. The guys moved onto the concrete steps to watch.
The guys who built the place, being told to sit on the cement. It was as if the rooftop beer-drinking scene in Shawshank had been interrupted by some rich asshole. That's when I decided: I will hate this team forever. But the Gardens remain a palace to me. Perfection.

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More from @EnswellJones

16 Jul
I was once a teenage boy, and I have vague memories of being a relentless eating machine. But watching my teenage sons destroy my well-stocked fridge like locusts devastating a farmer's life's work, I feel as though I am watching something not born of this Earth, let alone to me.
I wish to replace the second use of "watching" with "bearing witness," please and thank you.
To, of course. "...bearing witness to..." Goddammit. Thank you.
Read 4 tweets
29 Jun
My VERY REAL GIRLFRIEND and I were talking about our respective superpowers, as you do, and I told her I'm very good at eyeballing leftovers and knowing what Tupperware container will fit them, and I'm pretty sure no human has ever looked at another human with such pity.
I still think there's room for Optimal Decanting Man in the Marvel universe.
BOOM
Read 4 tweets
25 Jun
This wasn't my preferred way for the world to find out that I'm currently stuck in a Chinese well.
Anyway, I'm stuck in a Chinese well. Please send actual help. These asshole scientists just keep measuring my head and whispering mean things about me to each other.
They're acting like I can't hear them, but we're all in the same Chinese well. Do they not understand acoustics? If anything, I can hear them better.
Read 4 tweets
13 Jun
My shitbox truck has finally died a noble death, and for the first time in my life, I might treat myself to a semi-fancy motor. I love this Triumph—so stupid sexy—but fear it will be like buying a boat. What's a nice, new car that will make me happy but not look like a douche? Image
(Also I live in Canada and will need to winter drive for, like, eight fucking months a year. This is a consideration.)
Thank you so much for all of your kind suggestions. Some of you drive really nice automobiles! We are going to test drive a Mazda Miata this week. And a VW Golf. Also... that gosh-darn Triumph. Because I am a moron who does stupid things.
Read 4 tweets
10 Jun
Okay, quick fish story: When I was a kid I had a paper route. I saved up for MONTHS and finally bought my dream purchase: a big fish tank. Little coloured rocks, tiny plastic SCUBA diver, the works. I also bought a bunch of tropical fish. I didn't know I needed to buy a heater.
My granny was visiting from Wales. We stashed her on a sofa bed that happened to be next to my new fish tank. Well, it turns out that tropical fish in cold water try to escape cold water. My granny woke up with the stiff, dried corpses of my beloved fish all over her bed.
I was so upset. My tank was a goldfish operation thereafter. But that night at dinner, my granny suddenly said, "I was dreaming all night that it was raining." She was splashed all night long by suicidal fish but didn't wake up enough to save them. The nightmare!
Read 4 tweets
10 Jun
I was profiling Clinton Portis when he played for Washington. His house was full of giant aquariums. One of them had a lionfish in it. I was like, "Wow, that fish is super venomous if you step on it." He sort of frowned at me and said, "Ain't got no plans to step on it."
This remains the world's only known instance of fishsplaining.
I also accidentally beat Santana Moss at pool that night. I am a terrible pool player, but I couldn't miss. Well, it turns out professional athletes are quite competitive. You don't want to announce you're terrible at pool and then roll them. Little pro tip for the Youngbloods.
Read 4 tweets

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